60/365

ALL NIGHTER

I was up all night last night with the pup... her ears were bothering her and she kept trying to scratch them every chance she got... all she wanted to do was lick me... she was a nervous wreck... she must have jumped off the bed 10 times and just walked around. This is her make my ears feel better face.

I cleaned them around 4 am... she still couldn't get comfy enough to go to sleep - even though you could tell she was really tired. She was falling asleep standing up.

I don't know what to do with this little girl. ;-(

-------------

I guess I should commemorate this since it only comes by every four years... Happy Leap Year!

59/365

TOT - Ten on Tuesday

1. I thought this was the best thing said at the Oscars the other night - "...now I don't have to wait for her wedding to tell her how brilliant she is..." (The Irish father/daughter team who won for The Shore.) Seriously, how cute was that?

2. Second best thing said (to her husband) from the great Meryl Streep... "...everything I value most in our lives you've given to me..." ;-)

3. I've been having tons of laptop problems and phone problems - it's been one thing after the next the last couple days - and then I got an email last night from the bank - apparently they thought it was strange that I bought a $107 football jersey from manchester, england... WTF? People really like stealing my identity. At least it wasn't as much as the last couple times.

4. You would think I would have thought twice about ordering online tonight, huh? I remembered I had this little guy on a watch list 34 seconds before the bidding ended... Luckily I was quick enough to get a bid in. I couldn't resist it - especially for $4.26.

5. I was never one of those people that freaked out with the new FB changes but I'm going to say it... I HATE the new Pinterest! Why did it have to go all mainstream now and screw everything up? Clooney and Pug pin is still pretty popular, though. I had 216 re-pins on it last week... last I checked it was up to 280+ now. People love them some pugs (and some Clooney, too, I guess.)

6. I watched a really good documentary the other day on HBO... it was kids interviewing people from the great depression. I don't know how I've never seen it before. It was a few years old. We've had HBO since it came out because of boxing and I feel like I grew up on all those documentaries. The Bud's been getting sick of me and my insomnia and is in with the Dad. As we speak, out of the hundreds of things I could have on - I'm watching the fights. I am my father's daughter.

7. Did you see the Cirque Du Soleil tiny mess up on the Oscars? I was sad. ;-( It was still spectacular as always, though. If you've never seen one - you have to go. I've seen several. It will be one of the most extraordinary things you've ever seen.

8. One of the boys on American Idol did Gravity by Sara Bareilles and I'm always reminded of this when I hear it. I posted it a few months ago but it's that good that I'm going to post it again.... Kayla & Kupono - Gravity.

9. I saw the cutest little stuffed elephant the other day in Pier 1. I was going to get it but I don't really have any place for it. It would have been adorable in a little girl's room. My mother collected elephants so I always think of her when I see them. This may quite possibly be the cutest thing ever. ;-)

10. Working on a lesson on self portraits... this was always one of my favorites.

Who do you think you are? When you look in the mirror - who do you see looking back at you?

58/365

HAPPY LAUGHING BUDDHAS DON'T MAKE ME HAPPY

They usually creep me out actually.

I've been collecting some of my favorites here.

And even though I won't be going to get a baby now, I still want to go here.

Leshan Giant Buddha - Leshan, China.

57/365

I BELIEVE I CAN FLY

I woke up to a Jean-Luc Ponty song playing in my mind - loud... New Country - (old video here.) That doesn't have anything to do with anything just thought that was a little weird and I still can't get it out of my head. Anyway, Life Book Week 9 starts tomorrow and didn't I say I was on Week 3 awhile ago? Well, I still am. I got a little set back with some things that were way beyond my abilities - I really just have to change it up and make it work and get on with it because I'm just not getting it... Being immersed in this project is a little overwhelming to say the least...There are so many incredibly talented and creative people involved - teachers and students. I have learned so much already. I have a couple other self-paced classes waiting in the wings that I would like to start as well - until I get caught up with this, though, I don't want to add them in yet... I actually had the guts to consider signing up for another one a few hours ago. How many classes or books or whatever do you need? One? Fifty? Three hundred? I mean you can keep learning forever (and you should) - you just have to start doing something with what you know.

56/365

SHHH...

55/365

TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS

I got a fortune in a fortune cookie tonight... it said "Patience makes lighter what sorrow may not heal." It's from Horace. Anyway, what do you think that means? Time heals all wounds? Maybe some of you really "deep thinking" people can discuss amongst yourselves and get back to me on that. That's my take on it. It's kind of timely (pun intended) - Cara and I finally celebrated Christmas the other night... I got all kinds of fab goodies including this hysterical journal and this completely awesome (oh yes - I said it) grandmother wall clock. It's over 5 feet tall and, seriously, one of the cutest things ever. I ♥ it.

54/365

HUSH LITTLE BABY, DON'T SAY A WORD...

You can, however, accept this lack of a real post for being very tired.

Good night, all. Sleep tight.

53/365

KEEP SMILING

I told my therapist today about my ten vials of blood they took at the rheumatologist's office and my suspicious mammogram. He asked me what I thought about a potential cancer diagnosis. I just said whatever and more than likely rolled my eyes, I bet. I told him the "it is what it is" story from a few days ago and said I was hoping it was nothing but if it is something - there's not too much I can do about it. I told him when the radiologist came in (which I knew wasn't good) I wasn't even listening to her explain it to me - all that was going through my head was what am I going to do about insurance and would anyone hire me and what does "pre-exisiting condition" actually mean? I mean you hear that all the time but I really don't know how that factors into anything. He also asked me if I was freaking out over my Dad's new health issues and I said no - he was giving himself his own shots so it wasn't hurting me at all. He said that didn't matter - with the kidney failure and uncontrolled diabetes this could be the start of a lot of other problems. I thanked him for making me feel so much better. ;-) No, I knew what he was getting at and I just said we're going to have to see what happens when it happens. Part of me thinks everything is ok because how could yet another thing be added to my already long list of woes?!? Another part of me thinks something has to be wrong... why not? My track record isn't exactly the best. I don't predict anything anymore since I know, very well, anything can happen at any time. It's all good - until I find out more next week - so I'm sticking with that thought for the time being.

I had some time to kill between appointments so I headed over to East Liberty to go to Target to get a light bulb for the stove... some guy was collecting money in a bucket on Fifth Avenue - I grabbed a couple dollar bills I had in my cup holder and gave it to him through the passenger side window. He thanked me and kept walking. I saw him walking backwards out of the corner of my eye and he came back and stuck his head in and said "keep smiling... you have a nice smile - God loves you. "

I went to Target and just kind of walked around aimlessly and then (lucky me) found a parking space near Vanilla Pastry (always a good thing.) I smiled when I got in the car and thought I had a lot of guts coming out of there with a shopping bag full of stuff after I vowed to not make or bring any tempting things in the house because of The Dad (and me.)

So I ate 2 of the 3 pecan chocolate chip meringues so there would be less to bring home. ;-) The no sugar thing starts tomorrow.

Anyway, I went back to Oakland and then headed back to do some errands - I needed to go to the post office so I cut up Sycamore which I haven't done in a very long time - I turned just as Sullivan Street came on the radio... that song always gets to me for some reason. I passed the house and the sign to the park and cried until I got to the shopping center. I did what I needed to do and went home... As I got out of the car I realized I forgot to look for the light bulb I went to Target for in the first place and opened the box and saw my cupcakes all toppled over.

I wanted to cry again but I thought about the man with the bucket and smiled instead.

52/365

TOT - TEN ON TUESDAY

1. Lessons learned.

2. I'm trying not to stress out about all this health shit going on. I am a little worried. I really should be going back to Mo and Dorit - just not sure I can invest the time and money into it.

3. Hmmm... I was looking for something on here and my search strangely brought me here. Found something interesting - I'll keep it to myself, though.

4. Metamorphosis...

5. LOL - I just saw this a little bit ago... If you say "raise up lights" really fast it sounds like "razor blades" in an Australian accent. Try it.

You can stop saying it now. ;-)

6. Did you hear about the One More Disney Day Thing??? Ok - how bad is it that I cried watching that video? Anyway, first time ever Disneyland and Magic Kingdom will be open for 24 hours - on leap day. How cool is that? The only thing cooler would be VIP day where they would let a few (Very Important Pug) dogs in. I think Lily and I are going to write a letter suggesting that.

7. Had this cute movie on the other day on HBO, I think, or one of those channels... Our Family Wedding. Never heard of it before but these two were adorable in.

Loved her parent's neighborhood - turns out it was the street Charmed, among other things, was filmed on...the 1300 block of Carroll Avenue in the Echo Park district of LA.

8. Have you seen those Christian Mingle matchmaker commercials? "Find God's Match for You" is their tag line. God should be pissed about that - that's pretty presumptuous, don't you think?

9. Totally digging Janel's idea to have a "Pinterest Christmas" as our food theme for this year... I think it will go well with the Ugly Christmas Sweater dress code... sort of works as potluck. I'm making it official now - Pinterest Christmas 2012 it is!

10. While I'm on this subject... Man, Pinterest has been going crazy with new members lately. Was there some mass promotion that went out or something? I've been getting notifications left and right - every two minutes for repins on my Clooney and Pug from 44 weeks ago. It really made a comeback after all that time. Seriously, though... easy to see why this is so popular - how cute is this?

More cute pug love here.

51/365

OUT TO LUNCH

Here's The Bud super annoyed that I woke her up from her car ride to go to her vet appointment.

She falls asleep instantly when she is in the car.

Glo needed her pill case filled and I had to pick up some medicine for her... To save me a trip I figured Lily and I would stop after her appointment. I didn't want to leave the dog in the car herself so we picked Glo up and she stayed with her while I went in the store to get her pills. Then we got lunch and brought it back to her house.

Glo gets the biggest kick out of Lily wandering around the house and jumping on the furniture!

That stuffed pug on the right was an 80th birthday gift from RoseBud to Aunt Gloria (RB died that day on Glo's bday.) We bought a dog bed to put some of her pugs and a few of RB's old toys and some of her own bears in... Lily just helped herself to one of the bears and played for awhile while I fixed the pills.

Then she got a bear hug of her own.

Glo said she loves this little wild one... but (she whispered) RoseBud was her favorite. ;-)

50/365

WOULD YOU LIGHT MY CANDLE?

Lighting another's candle will not cause yours to dim.

49/365

PICTURE THIS

I annoy myself sometimes with my constant need to document every moment - there are many pictures that I am glad that I took, though - these are two of them...

This one of David and Mum on her last Disney trip... I can't say I knew it would be the last one of them together... I knew it would be significant, though. We had used a different agency and got our rental car before the others and she just wanted to get to the room. The three of us left while the others waited for their cars. I probably wouldn't have snapped it if we all got there together just because it would have been a little more hectic.

The other is this one in the hospital shortly before she died. Atia was handing out little chocolate hearts and placed one in mum's hand. I thought for a second it might not be appropriate and then I decided I had to do it. It's one of my favorite pictures ever actually.

I was going through a little sketchbook awhile back that I haven't touched for some time. I'm not the best flyer and that trip I brought the book along and a makeup bag full of colored pencils because I knew it would distract me enough to not want to jump out of the emergency exit. Between bead and dog magazines and the SkyMall catalog I would sketch some girls from time to time... quick 20 second sketches to color - not too detailed so I would be sure I wouldn't be enthralled enough to NOT hear the beeps that Rick has forever etched in my brain that mean the plane is going down.

It was Valentine's day (2010) - the medical flight left and we were on our way home on a regular flight... In that sketchbook I drew some twin girls and some monster girls and a sex and the city like girl with her dog and this one.

Named Mum.

Chrissy met me and Aunt Gloria one day a few weeks ago at Casey's for lunch. We all left to go home and Glo got in the car and said how much fun she had and how Chrissy had the same laugh and smile as her mother. She said she'll always remember that smile of hers.

So will I.

Happy Birthday, Mum. ;-)

48/365

Well, it's official. The Dad is now "on the needle," as he calls it! His sugar this morning at his appointment was 280 so there was no choice other than to do insulin now. He got in the car and said "it is what it is." I agreed.

I had a mammogram this afternoon... It's funny when a bunch of nervous women get together in ill fitting gowns all sitting in a waiting room (the holding area as I like to call it) not quite knowing what's going to happen... Everyone is a little loud and overly chatty. There were three of us waiting and one woman came in and sat down and her gown just burst right open so everyone was laughing (including her!) They all thought I was much younger than I was so were kind of interested as to why I would be there. I explained that my mother died at 49 of breast cancer 18 years ago, blah, blah, blah, and I'm not as young as I look. ;-) We were each brought back to wherever we needed to be. They took some views and then I was sent to another (fancier) holding room to wait for an ultrasound... it gets fancier and fancier the worse it gets there. ;-) Then, after the doctor looked at the pictures... they asked me to go back for more views... That happened the last time so I figured it was nothing - it is what it is, right?

I went back to the holding area and started talking to the only other girl waiting - who I found out was 8 years younger than me. She was there for something (benign) she's had for many years. She never had a mammogram before so she didn't know what to expect. She was a nervous wreck. She asked if I was married and had any kids so I explained a little of that... we talked for about 40 minutes (all in all I was there for almost 3 hours.) They called her back first and she came over and hugged me and wished me luck, as I did to her, and she said she was so happy I was there with her because I made her much more calm. I never saw her again so I don't know what happened.

I was finally brought back for the ultrasound which seemed like it took forever. The tech kept leaving the room and going out to the doctor. I was all whatev and didn't really think much of it. I figured with all the other stuff that's going on there can't possibly be another thing! Then she came back and said the doctor wanted her to do something else... she did and left again... It was only then that I thought something may be up... I was on the table for what seemed like an hour waiting for someone to come back and say something and then I started to think...Wasn't my mother 41 when she was diagnosed? Hmmm - I'm 41. Then they both came back and the doctor did it herself... she said she didn't want to alarm me (too late) but there is something suspicious and she needs to check further. So I have to do some BSGI thing now. She said "I'll be 97% sure if it's cancer after that," shook my hand and left the room. Not the best bed side manner. ;-)

It is what it is. I guess.

47/365

MAKING COOKIES

I've been making just a few at a time because I only like them warm... and, yes, I whacked them over their little cookie heads with a spatula... No one is going to understand that. ;-) Whenever I'm really happy or really sad I tend to cook... you should see the refrigerator - I went a little crazy this week! Anyway, renal appointment for the dad today... blood work was ok except for his 647 sugar reading. Yes. 647. WTF? Looks like somebody is going to be going over insulin injections tomorrow and I'm going to have to lay off the cookie making.

I need to get some things together for some appointments tomorrow for me and the dad and this little pup and I are going to bed. How did it get to be almost 1 AM already???

goodnight.

(oh, side note...the dad's weight on 2/16/12 was... 216.)

46/365

HUG IT OUT

I think this is my second post with that title. I really need to go back and start tagging each day. Anyway, I've been trying to teach the bud to hug after she jumps up and gives a kiss but it's not working that well. Every time she does it she gets so excited when she hears me go yay!! and she jumps off the bed and doesn't do it again. I guess I need to tone down the yays.

45/365

TOT - TEN ON TUESDAY (Valentine's Day)

1. There's always one in the bunch.

2. Pies are the new cupcake. Click this link for how to.

3. That 85 year old Tony Bennett still has it, doesn't he? He's the only artist to have a 50 year span of Grammy wins. He performed It Had To Be You the other night. I thought about those lyrics. Funny, isn't it? Performance video here.

4. I didn't have time for a new photo shoot so here is an oldie but a goodie... Lily's Valentine from last year - "love is in the air!"

5. I can't remember if I posted this before... Barbie and Ken's Wedding Photos - if you haven't seen them, click here.

6. I love sugar cubes... well sugar cubes in cute little sugar holders with tongs! Love these heart shaped "cubes."

7. There's nothing like the colors of the beach... the browns, blues, whites and sunsets. Here's some beach love ...

8. "Get right to the heart of matters... it's the heart that matters more."

9. Love hurts?

10. Happy Valentines Day...

...and from Lily...

44/365

CRAZY CAT LADY

I'm not really a cat person. I'm assuming that this one was dyed (which I don't agree with) but if one actually existed and belonged to me, I would carry it around morning, noon and night everywhere I went and it would have 365 cute little shirts in the closet - one for every day of the year and when anyone said to me - that is the coolest cat I have ever seen... I would simply say, I know.

43/365

HEARTBROKEN SOUL

I'm wondering - does anyone know who Adele's ex-boyfriend is? If it wasn't for him a lot of people probably wouldn't have realized what rubbish relationships they were in. I guess the statement is true... you should never underestimate the power of an extremely pissed off woman. You go girl.

42/365

(UN)HAPPY PET

Lily's not feeling too great tonight. Poor little pup - can't get her boo-boo on her ear to heal... I thought some happy pet spray would cheer her up... all she wanted to do was sleep on the bottle.

... and RIP Whitney Houston - I bet there is one big choir of angels singing right about now.

41/365

TRUE COLORS

Did you know that an ant's abdomen is semi-transparent?

I didn't know that....thought that was interesting.

You can read more here.

40/365

FAMILY PORTRAIT

I saw this and my first thought was that it was adorable! My second thought was how did they get them to sit for that?!? Then, I got sad. I just thought of the siblings all lined up for their family portrait and all the photos I'll never get to take on a tree, a canon, in the ocean, etc... You know, even though I was soon approaching forty and it was the third miscarriage in four years, I still was hopeful then. I know that's kind of weird. ;-) Honestly, though, when we left Florida I thought that was the year... somehow, a baby would be in the picture. It may not have been how we thought or originally planned but we would make it happen nonetheless. We walked around Celebration talking about the future and a possible adoption...not knowing we actually conceived then. It all turned out to be different - not too much later. I never thought there would be the death of a mother and a baby and a marriage, to process and grieve, in such a short amount of time.

A very good friend of my husband's sent me an email one day. We knew there was no heartbeat and decided to just wait for it to happen. She sent me a really nice note and told me about what she went through and said to not give up. Because of that, I really did think that one day we would all be sitting around with our kids. That it was still possible. She probably doesn't know how much that meant to me. I'm not sure I ever got the chance to tell her.

I know it's water under the bridge now but I'm thinking that one day I'll forget all of this and I'm going to want to remember what I was feeling when. I just sent my first year of these words off to print. My constant need to document everything forced me to get a pretty little book made.

I think I'm just having a pity party tonight and should probably shut up now. The Bud went in the other room, annoyed, because I still have the lights on and I'm making too much noise for her going from resumes to Pinterest to words with friends with Carey. It's just jobs and money were never that important to me. All I wanted was the husband and the family and the photos and the colored drawings on the refrigerator.... I'm slightly addicted to kid's hand, foot and finger print art!

As much as I love those four little feet, it's just not the same with paw prints. ;-(

39/365

BLOG BREAK

Worst headache ever today... taking a blog break tonight because my eyes are crossing! I think I'm taking a little nap before I go to bed. ;-)

good night.

38/365

TOT - Ten On Tuesday

1. I was totally aggravated yesterday. I went over to fix Glo's pill case and we went to Applebees for dinner. My club sandwich was so gigantic it was annoying to eat it!!! I just sat there laughing... talk about First World Problems. ;-)

2. I didn't know the keypad for the alarm showed the weather! That's kind of neat.

3. I heard the door beep when The Dad left this morning and it scared me. I sat up in bed and looked out in the hall and saw the dog standing there and sighed because I didn't feel like taking her outside - then I looked on the bed and she was there. I looked out again and saw a dog - it was kind of foggy - so much that I thought it was smoky. I figured it was just my eyes playing tricks on me... wondering now if it was RoseBud!?

4. Air guitar makes me laugh. I much prefer air drums.

5. I really need to start working out more. Qigong isn't necessarily cutting it as far as weight loss! My Dad's stress test came back ok - they were concerned he had to have another open heart surgery. I was happy about that especially since I found the list of instructions he was supposed to follow stuck in a pile of papers a few days after he took the test - needless to say he didn't do anything on them. I need to put all the shit I have stacked on the treadmill somewhere so we can actually use it!

6. I was talking with Katherine about TLC/Lisa (left eye) Lopez.... I forgot about the little boy being killed and his last name being Lopez and how she thought a spirit was coming for her and killed him. I liked her... sad story.

7. Do you think everyone says I love you to their dog before they go to sleep? I think they should but I bet they don't. I miss getting into bed at the end of the night and saying I love you to a real person. Not that The Bud isn't a real person - well... you know what I mean. ;-)

7. I miss cuddling too. ;-( I actually wanted to get a smaller bed at Dixon House so we could cuddle more. Oh wait... I have something to go with this. ;-)

8. Is this really true? If so, who is this mean guy that keeps coming to me in my dreams?

9. I went in the garage for something the other night and saw the dad's car...

Yes - it's as close as it looks!

There is a hole (the size of the screw on the shelf) in the tail light!

10. I know wild animals should not be pets but these are some great photos from the 70s in Life Magazine on living with a lion.

Not sure if this is Tippi Hedron's lion or not. Click here for more photos.