331/365

RING A DING DING
I had encounters two days in a row with the lovely Dean... in a little deli in Greensburg...

... and a coffee shop in Lawrenceville.

For more Dino fun... visit the great blog i love dino martin here!

330/365

I'LL BE MISSING YOU
There are three things I can say I miss right about now...my husband, my home and my RoseBud.

Happy Birthday, Pup!  Love The Bud!

329/365

BROKEN DOWN TRUCK

I'm a truck girl... metal trucks are one thing I'm always on the lookout for when I'm out junking or in a thrift store... I couldn't pass this little guy up at Millers. It's only about 3 inches long. I feel like I want to carry it around with me like a little doll.   I felt an instant connection to it when I saw it.  I picked it up and turned it around and noticed it was missing a wheel and it only made it better!  I knew no one else would want it. That's actually why I bought it - because it was broken... kind of like me. I love my little broken truck!

328/265

TBT - TRUTH BE TOLD (Bah Humbug)
I'm officially putting the TOTs to bed - no more ten on tuesdays!  I've been toying with the idea of the TBTs for awhile now and I think it's time. Not sure if I will make it TBT Tuesdays or Thursdays or even both but I may as well start now...

I was out today and met my friend, Mary Pat for dinner tonight. I called Glo-worm on my way to dinner and asked what was going on... she said she heard something beeping and didn't know what it was. She told me she walked around for a couple hours and couldn't figure out where it was coming from - never called me or told me the couple times I checked in to see how she was. She said she finally called Bill or Dan or the other Dan and told me they said it was the carbon monoxide detector.  I don't really know what happened yet until I talk to one or all of them in the morning but she said "he" replaced it and put a big stick in the fireplace and near the furnace and he sat on the couch for 2 hours - I'm not sure any of that is true but the sliding glass door is open just in case.

Actually, it's 4:20 am.  I just heard her fall in her bedroom.  Not sure why. She said she got up to go to the bathroom and just fell. I don't know if she was wandering and didn't know where she was and ran into the nightstand but when I went in she and the lamp were on the floor and the nightstand was pushed to the wall.

My truth for today (which is now tomorrow because I never got to this last night) is that I can't handle any of this anymore... I was going to voluntary commit myself over the weekend but didn't know how that would look on a job application at the time so I talked to my therapist on monday about it...Among other things, he said I had to stop pretending I was ok... I  told him I didn't like that wording. ;-)   I'm not "pretending" anything. I don't do that. I thought I was doing a good job of doing what I had to do with all of this. Until now.  The meltdown last week was it.

I don't really like using what is going on as an excuse because everyone has shit going on in their own lives... jobs and children to take care of... bills to pay... things to do. Everyone has stress in their life and can usually mange to function on a day to day basis. He reminded me of all of my stressors - my mother's death which I yelled at him for because it was so long ago but he was trying to get to the point of being diagnosed at the same age and her being dead now...miscarriages and loss of fertility... losing my home and my husband... the stress of divorce and taking care of my dad and aunt - trying to place her in a home... not having a job or health insurance, even being away from Lily! Add the cancer diagnosis and new medicine and not feeling well on top of it. I think there's a couple more but I can't think clearly right now.  The point is - one of those things, alone, would be and could be enough to send someone spinning.  It's pretty obvious I have an extraordinary amount of stress and grief on my plate.

Making do with everything is not proving to be beneficial...

So... I canceled Christmas.  Not the entire Holiday - just my part of it. I never thought I would be here for over 3 months and I'm behind on a lot of things... As I told the family, in order for me to not have a meltdown (well who the hell am I kidding - I probably will regardless) I think it's best if I bow out now.  The house is too small, I haven't cleaned, I don't have a menu or anything else together yet and it's too hard to be doing all of this back and forth. I had to go over the other day to move boxes in the garage back into the game room so The Dad could get his car in before it snows. My life is too disrupted to do this so my decision is made. It really makes me sad because Christmas was always my thing and, this probably sounds stupid, but it seems like another loss to me. I just don't know what else to do.

327/365

TICKED OFF
Coming off of meltdown week I thought it couldn't get any worse...  It did. I walk in to check on the pup and see this...

Is that a tick?

No - really - is it?

We face timed Carey and got the confirmation... Is mercury retrograde over because - seriously - what the hell???

So late night trip to see The Mann.

FYI - Don't google images "tick on dog."  I'm glad I did it when I got back because I probably would have still been on the floor.  Gross. If you do - you were warned.

If anyone needs me tomorrow I will be at Home Depot gathering supplies to build The Bud an astroturfed bubble with cloud painted ceiling to go potty in.

Sorry puppy.

326/365

"HONEY, THIS ISN'T YOUR WEEK"
That's the response I got from Cara when I sent her this picture... ;-)

The manager at Eat N Park came over with my french toast smile... he apologized and said he would bring fresh eggs out since he spilled syrup on them when he was bringing it out.  I said thank you and started cracking up... I'm done with this week.

325/365

SQUARE TO SPARE
Does anyone remember the Seinfeld episode with Elaine and the "do you have a square to spare" bit? I always think of Denise with that - we were out somewhere and that happened and I remember us cracking up over it... I thought of it tonight when Lizzie didn't have a square. There was enough to spare. ;-)

324/365

WANT WHAT YOU HAVE

323/365

DADS SINGING IN BAD HAIRPIECES
This happens at all Thanksgiving dinners, right?  Video here.

322/365

KEEP CALM AND...
I really thought my freak out would be at Christmas this year... It was a little earlier than expected.

Glo-worm got fitted today for her hearing aids. It was going ok until she went to put them in herself.  They are slightly complicated but with a mind that is able to comprehend things - it's doable. She just wasn't getting it. At all.  Honestly, all I saw was almost $5000 wasted and me having to take them in and out for the rest of my life.  That may have been slightly dramatic but it's the truth. The guy could see my frustration... I just got up and said we're leaving and I'll donate them to some homeless person for Thanksgiving... He asked me to calm down and he tried to tell me she needed to "learn" and I told him she wasn't going to be able to and that both he and I should have known this wasn't going to work given her condition.  I could tell he agreed that it was going to be too much for her to handle but a sale is a sale and he gave me some tag line about everyone deserving the best hearing possible.

I think we know what came next.

I went a little Perkins.  By a little - I mean the biggest fucking Perkins to date. I was about five seconds away from jumping over the desk and knocking this guy out. It was bad. He actually asked me to leave. He was nice about it but still.  I went outside for awhile and came back in - he tried to get her to "learn" how to do it but it still wasn't happening. We have them now but they are going back next week.  I'm done.  In the words of David (but for more legitimate reasons) - "I can't take care of you anymore." I don't know what else to say.  This is beyond my ability in more ways than one.

I apologize to the couple people that pulled off the side of the road on my way to The Dad's house after the appointment - I don't know how I made it there without getting arrested or killed. I called her nurse and told him what was going on and I am removing myself from the situation.  I'm hoping someone can do something next week. This isn't good for anyone.  The nurse said he wasn't surprised and thought I was going to blow at some point - at a too long red light or something else.  He said he never saw someone going through what I was going through handling it as well as I was.

Not anymore.

321/365

TOT - TEN ON TUESDAY

1. I think I may be finished with these TOTs... not sure whether to finish out the year or not.

2. I am so far behind with Christmas this year - sooooooo far behind. Haven't finalized the menu - it's really bad. I'm almost in panic mode, actually. I did start buying some presents but I never really stop buying - I'm a year round buyer.


3. It doesn't really mean too much, though, because most of the stuff is for me. I'm so easy to buy for!


4. Cara was out shopping and texted me a picture of some snowmen. - I told her I am banned from buying another snowman... I've said it before - unless there is a pig in one hand and a pug in the other and it has mickey ears on - STOP me from buying any more snow people... and trees!!! No more trees. I caved and bought this one the other day.  I think I saw this last year and passed on it.  I'm surprised about that because it's very me.  I'm hoping that I actually didn't buy it and forgot about it because you know I won't be able to give this guy up now.


5. Hello, Turkey Butter. Hello.

6. I still call these (cameo apples) "word up" apples.

7. Who needs one of these?  I stood for awhile in Target wondering that... and had a very hard time walking away because I would like to have one.  ;-)


8. School lunches will never be the same.

9. Caution - Dog can't control her licker!

10. Saw this adorable rosebud dress in Marshall's or TJMaxx the other day... $29.99 for the set!   FIRST thought - With my imaginary sewing skills... I can totally make this work for Lily!  SECOND thought - I wish this came in my size! THIRD THOUGHT - Do I add this to my collection of imaginary baby stuff that is scattered all over the city?

Just for the record... Lily actually has a lovely tweed coat of her own that would look adorable with that dress! ;-)  Just saying.  I really think I could make that work for her!

320/365

LOOKING GOOD
I went to this workshop today...

Each of us was given a bag full of makeup and other products all donated by different cosmetic companies.

It was a small group.  I felt a little strange.  I was the only one with hair... and, for that matter,  eyebrows!  A little part of me actually felt like I didn't belong there - like I didn't have cancer "enough."  Does that make sense?

There are so many people that are searching for the ultimate healing in one way or the other...often in the wrong places and for the wrong reasons. Probably best if I don't go into this right now but if you would have seen these ladies today getting so much joy out of putting a simple band around their head with a few wisps of hair attached to it and learning how to tie a scarf so it looked like they had bangs, you would know what I mean. I'll end here for the time being.

Really nice program - if you know someone that would be interested - more information is here.

Click for the Look Good Feel Better PSA.

319/365

SHALL WE DANCE?
The Dad and I went to Eat N Park the other day for breakfast after his cataract surgery...  We were sitting there eating and True Faith came on.  He was jamming to it (oblivious) and I was like really, Eat N Park?  9 am?  Give me a break. It was our "entrance" song.

Our wedding has been coming through to me in different ways lately.  I guess it's because November was always pretty eventful...  Plus, Mum has been coming to me in my dreams in the last few weeks and each time she was wearing what she wore to the wedding.  It's probably because I always liked that outfit on her. When I think of her I always think of her smiling like this...

Anyway, my point for today... Over on Instagram - Clickin Mom's photo prompt for today was someone dancing... for some reason this one photo came to mind. Again, from the wedding. I didn't post it but I thought I would post it over here.

We were out the other night and started looking at Disney beads... Katherine asked if I was going to be ok with that or if it would be too sad. Coincidentally, she was the one that caught one of the mickey/minnie beanies that were hanging out with my garter...

Side note - I hope I'm not the only one that stresses so much about having so much symbolism in her Pandora bracelet.  It's staring to be a big pain in the ass!  Back to Katherine... It was funny because she was asking me if I had the bead she got me (and Chrissy) for Mother's Day on my bracelet.  The sales girl kind of questioned that comment and we laughed and explained. 

Even though she's all grown up -  I still think of her as that RoseBud drawing little girl and am happy to be her pretend gay mom. ;-) 

318/365

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT...

Homemade Twinkie Recipe here. ;-)

317/365

STRANGE THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT ME...
I think I'm going to start a new series.  Let's start here...

I do not like when I am at a restaurant and my salad comes in a bowl. This salad was giant so I see the need, though. The three other people polled at the table didn't have a problem and actually prefer salad in a bowl... I was super annoyed. 9 times out of 10 I ask for a plate.  I didn't this time and I'm not sure why.  Just a strange thing you may not know about me. ;-)

316/365

TOT - TEN ON THURSDAY - 2 weeks of cataracts edition

1. The Dad had his first cataract surgery last week... I was looking forward to not having to make any calls to anyone while I was there and brought a few catalogs with me... I love the Sacred Source but it's probably not the best choice to look through in close corners with a thousand people waiting with you!


2. Don't go chasing waterfalls... Last week was the left eye.


3. I swear these random acts of weirdness only happen to me... He had an early appt because he had to hold his insulin... 1:15 pm he's still not called back yet and I witness this whole catastrophe between the doctors and his anesthesiologist...  she walks out - furious and screaming I'm not coming back!  She finally did but it took awhile. So much for a 20 minute procedure - we were there almost 5 hours.

4. FYI - I hate Applebees and Bob Evans...


5.  We were checking in and this woman was being wheeled out... she had just finished her second surgery  - as she went past us and the girls at the desk she screamed I'll be back next week for my third eye! ;-)

6. We had to go back the next day for the followup appointment... I think this guy may have had his wife's coat on... regardless, I would like to be his friend.


7. This week was the right eye's turn for surgery... we were a little disappointed that we had to be there at 6am. Not because it was early - because we wouldn't be able to have lunch... while we were waiting last week we were in the waiting room and a big wagon of take-out food came in for the employees...  I asked the girls at the desk where they ordered from and we've been obsessing about it ever since. It was from Chicken Derby. I specifically made the followup appointment today around lunch time so we could go!  I was completely nauseated today but we went anyway and it was delicious.


8. The Dad called me hysterical the other day because his radio wasn't working... god forbid he'd have to go without smooth jazz for 20 minutes in the car. I told him I had too many other things to deal with and he'd have to figure it out himself and thankfully he did and I got to listen to this!


9. Things are getting worse with the Glo-worm... It is totally one step forward - two steps back. She went to the store with Betty today - I had no idea what she bought.  I got back pretty late and walked into the kitchen and saw this... apparently just because they are "frozen" waffles doesn't mean they have to go in the freezer when you get them home.


10. I miss my bed already and this little curly tail too!

315/365

MY GIRLS
Got to take a nap with The Lily Bud today. ;-)

314/365

GOING TO BED...
I'm finished with today.

312/365

DANGER - MAD ELEPHANT

A little while ago someone said these words to me... "I have nothing to do with what you are going through."

Just for the record... You do.

311/365

"WHEN YOU BELIEVE IN THINGS THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND... THEN YOU SUFFER. SUPERSTITION AIN'T THE WAY..."
Many know my superstitions... with knives and coats and umbrellas and red ribbons and evil eyes and I could go on and on... Anyway, Morninglory had their November birthday bash the other day and I thought I would look around - I was actually looking for a couple gifts... I came across this bracelet which I LOVE.  So it turned into all about me...

The colors were perfect and the flowers.... in the words of Aunt Joyce - Shut up! ;-) This had me written all over it.  I revelled in how spectacular it was and thought this lovely thing was just there waiting for me to give it a good home.  Then, later that night, I looked at it again and realized there are "pacific opals" in the flowers. OPALS.

Yes - the "bad luck" stone.

The next day I go to my radiation oncologist appointment and tear open my gown and show him my boobs.  His first response was -  Did we even radiate you?  That's how fabulous my boobs look. ;-) Then he pretty much freaks. We started talking and, long story short, he doesn't like the plan my medical oncologist has for the endocrine therapy I'm scheduled to start this week.  Thinks it's too aggressive and unnecessary and is going to do more harm than good. So - what's the first thing that runs through my head?

It's the damn, fucking bracelet!!!!

Now what?

I have no idea what to do now!!!  I have to come to some decision about this next treatment plan and I'm terribly confused.

And I have to exchange my perfect bracelet now too. ;-(

310/365

LET THEM EAT... COOKIES!
Smicksburg cookie walk today... Cookies and Walking can be exhausting.

"I just want to go home and sleep for the rest of my life." ~ MPM

309/365

TEAM PUG
(Lily...earmuffs!)  This may be the cutest pug picture I've ever seen! Saw this little thing on Pinterest with the caption... "Mama... why aren't you wearing your matching running outfit? How will people know we're a team?" ♥

308/365

"... WITH ALL YOUR FAULTS... I LOVE YOU STILL..."

It was late the other night and I was going from one house to the next... I hadn't eaten all day so I stopped at Panera on my way back to Glo-worm's.  As I walked in the music changed and on comes a sweet little piano version of It Had To Be You. I recorded it on my voice memo thing while I was in line but I cant figure out how to post it on here!   I don't think I have ever been this exhausted... ever. I feel like a little gypsy - carrying bags back and forth...not quite knowing where I'm going to end up next.  You would think I would be distracted enough to not realize what day it is...  I'm not.

307/365

THE SWEET LIFE

Going to make this quick tonight since I'm exhausted and this adorable little thing wants the lights out...

Here's a phone pic from this week... I was early for an appointment the other day so I stopped at Dozen for a salted caramel cupcake... I took its picture and got a bonus shot of some random dude in a fab man scarf!

306/365

PEEK A BOO - I SEE YOU
This is the first time I've been in my bed in, I think, 78 days! Here's a throwback of puppy dog Lily to celebrate.

305/365

PUG CONFESSION
Saw this pug picture on Pinterest and it reminded me of when Koko used to come over.