365/365

FAMILY IS FOREVER

Or is it?

For the record, just as much as I was proud to be a DeLuca, I was proud to be a DiGioia and be "in" the family in some way or another for over 20 years. I am going to be honest here, though. I'm a little disappointed and insulted that few have bothered to ask me anything about all of this. Those that have - thank you.

Does it matter? Probably not. I do feel like I'm being made out to be something that I am not, though, at least in the eyes of some. That hurts.

This was my family too. Like I said before, I feel like I was just plucked right out of it. Father Sam said that one of the last things Mum told him was that she was "at peace" because "all the kids had someone" and that "made her happy..." I do feel like I let her down. At the conclusion of the circle of love, when the circle broke apart, we gave each other a hug. My father-in-law came to me, gave me a hug and said "we all just need to stick together." I found that weird even at that time. What did that mean? And why did he say it to me? I think that statement will haunt me forever. For 16 years I've looked for messages from my mother as she did before me and I don't think I ever really got one. I'll always think that that was Mum speaking through him because she knew I would be the only one that would or could listen at that moment. I know we all try to make sense of something in some way to make it easier for ourselves. We try to find a sign. We see what we want to see. We'll never know, though, if it's the right interpretation of the message.

As this last day of the old year ends and the first one of the new year is about to begin, I've been questioning what makes one marriage over another more worthy of trying to rescue? Why is it ok to try to work on some, even with infidelity or neglect or abuse or any other stressor, and not others? And what does forever really mean?

"...forever always seems to be around when it begins, but forever never seems to be around when it ends.." ~ Ben Harper

Happy New Year's Eve.

364/365

"MERCY, MERCY ME"

I ended up sleeping over Glo's last night because she still wasn't getting the whole pill thing and I knew I had to be at Mercy Hospital early and it takes me three hours to get out of the house... We were up pretty late... the Santa was talking to her again while I was there - she told me his lips were moving and made me watch him. I missed it.

She's been thinking that all her dolls (bears) are talking and that I've been staying there all week (last night was the first) so I probably screwed her up by staying... She told me that I was there with Daddy the other day and he slept in Norman's chair and that me and Dave were there really late and she kept hoping that we were leaving because she wanted to go to bed... she told the doctor she kept telling us we should go home because RoseBud needed to eat.

Betty called at 6 am to make sure we were up - she was supposed to call at 7 so we were early... It was nice to have a little help, though, so I'm glad she came along.

When we were finished I asked them where they wanted to go for lunch and they picked McDonald's. Yes, McDonald's! The cashier at lunch said I was going to go to Heaven for being able to handle them... I said I didn't think so but thanks for the compliment - I think. It's interesting hangin with the over 80 crowd. It's like high school almost... they are a little self conscious, gossip about their friends, reminisce about the good old days, think everything revolves around them... Betty thought some guy was checking her out while we were eating... It was a pretty funny day.

She was telling me about this kid she had a crush on when she was 8 or 9. They went to Lemington School together - his name was Romeo DiGioia. We talked about leg cramps and Ensure. She has a mouth like a truck driver... the guy came out with a little journal for Glo to record what she was doing the next 24 hours... Betty asked if she should put down when she has sex. She told her she can't shower with the monitor on but she can PTA - piss, tits and armholes. I can't believe I just typed that. ;-)

I could go on but it's 1:30 and I'm tired and my eyes keep closing. Interesting day today... in more ways than one.

363/365

WHITE TRASH

Or should I say White Christmas Trash

If it wasn't bad enough to have all those plastic play gyms next door and ghetto fabulous BBQ grill with lighter fluid sitting on top of it stacked by the garage... the neighbors put all their empty toy boxes and other garbage out Christmas morning (Saturday) and it's been blowing in the yard ever since. Pick up is Thursday just so you know. This morning I was picking up dirty diapers from the kids of these twenty year olds that live there. They were scattered around the front yard.

Let's just say... I'm a little agitated.

Yes, this whole baby/kid thing is a big part of it... I've been annoyed. I'll admit it. My chances are pretty much over... stress induced menopause, advanced maternal age, single parent adoption, no job, money or home...donors will be too expensive... IVF or insemination won't be an option without a husband... it's just really overwhelming. It's hard to just take it for what it is.

Maybe it's just the auld lang syne time of year but I've been thinking about a lot... You know I had the husband everyone wanted. The one that brought flowers home for no reason and did the laundry (better than most girls) and always kissed me goodnight... The one that always signed his emails with Love and didn't care if I cooked dinner because he would stop for it on the way home from work. I waited to go grocery shopping sometimes so we could go together because we went to eat first and (9 times out of 10) would skip the store because we were too full and tired from eating! ;-) We were just as content to stay home and watch tv because we wanted to lay around with the dog. Or at least that's what I thought. I feel bad if I wasn't appreciative enough or he didn't feel like I loved him. I did. I still do. It makes me mad seeing people fighting or talking bad about their husbands... I mean - be careful what you wish for... Not that I ever wished for this. It was just the opposite. I just wanted to be heard and I am feeling like it never really mattered what I thought. That makes me mad too... I mean things were not perfect at all... there was a lot that could and should have been changed. I thought we were different, though. I never hid anything from him and I don't think he did from me. At least for the majority of time... I was never the wife that had to "check up" on her husband because he always told me what he was doing. Somewhere along the way, though, he felt like he couldn't go get coffee when he wanted to... and, swear on my RoseBud, I don't know why.

Did I not appreciate him when I should have? Some times. Maybe. I thought I did. You know, Pat said that I didn't realize how much I was affected by all the losses... that I didn't have any more to give either and we never got to discuss that together... I wish we had. She talked about misperception and miscommunication and I think she was right but it just got worse because what communication we did have stopped too. You know we never grieved the loss of any of the babies or my mother-in-law or this marriage. It's hard to get over one "death" let alone multiple deaths in really just a few years... RoseBud - maybe. But I think we brushed the babies aside and just hoped for the best because it was easier that way... Me with the imaginary wishing star and him, the forever optimist. It just seems strange still. I think I've said this before - I was 23 when my mother died... I've been in this family, in one way or another, for the last 21 years. I knew my MIL almost as long as my own mother and it affected me just the same. I feel like I was plucked out of this family... She died, I was pregnant, I was on bedrest then not pregnant, there was a week in vegas and a week of not coming home and the weekend came and went and all was gone. That's pretty much it. Sort of.

It makes me mad that RoseBud never got to wear that big sister tank top and that my dad will never be a grandpa to a baby without paws and a tail. I feel cheated. I feel we were cheated because I know we would have been good parents. It makes me mad that we didn't have to juggle who was taking which kid to soccer or ballet. We didn't get to do the normal things and experience the normal life events 30-40 year olds do and we missed a lot. That can't be easy on anyone. It's not on me, at least. I was looking at some pictures and came across one from Disney with the two of us and the Deasy boys holding up their passports from Epcot and it could be the perfect facebook profile pic... the perfect family... when really EVERY SINGLE YEAR I walked through those gates and said NEXT YEAR we'll be pushing our own stroller. I will forever think of that. I should probably quit now. ;-( I don't know when to shut up, huh? I'm at Glo's and I can't sleep because I miss my puppy and I miss what could have been...

Did you know there was another version of this poem, the first that contains a form of the auld lang syne phrase? It's from poet Sir Robert Ayton (1570-1638)

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

and never thought upon,

The flames of love extinguished,

and freely past and gone?

Is thy kind heart now grown so cold

In that loving breast of thine,

That thous canst never once reflect

on old-long-syne...

362/365

TOT - Ten on Tuesday

1. I can't believe the girl with the camera on her at all times didn't have the batteries charged in either one of my cameras on Christmas... Maybe that's a good thing. No food pictures, though. Just some bad iphone photos.

2. I was able to get Dante playing in the bathroom... he went in without anyone knowing and opened the cabinet and got uncle ronnie's toothbrush and was playing in the sink.

3. At least you can SEE the cloud above Eeyore... mine must be invisible.

4. Got home today... no water in her bowl again. ;-(

5. Glo update - TRIPPED at the eye glass place today - I caught her this time. Went to the Doctor later - possible pacemaker - don't know yet. I think she may have mixed up her medicine and may have too much of one... just figured that out a little while ago so need to check tomorrow... big day of tests on thursday so not looking forward to that. She asked her friend to go along with us to "help" me - she's 82 as well so it looks like I just got myself two for the price of one now. I think I may have messed up my wrist "catching" her yesterday too - starting to get pretty bad. Seems like I can't win for losing with all of this.

6. Poor Mary fell down the hill and dropped Sharon's Christmas Cookies - only ONE of my favorite Jew Cookies was rescued and I think it was a little wet but I still ate it!

7. I pulled a Chrissy on Saturday and had to put stuff in garbage bags and put them in the car because there was no other place to get them out of the way... laundry, clothes, mail, the mixer, etc... it's like a mini storage unit on wheels!

8. I got this because it reminded me of Mum and I liked the rosebuds on it. The icing was delicious but the cake was terrible.

9. My gifts are still unopened in my room and I just remembered that I have a pig Pillow Pet in a bag downstairs. I found it at Target a couple days before Christmas - it was the only pig there and the only pig I EVER saw so I didn't want to pass it up... the ladybug and bee are the cutest, in my opinion, though. Speaking of ladybugs...

10. Turns out I really fucked things up by getting pregnant last February, huh?

It wasn't a band-aid baby at all - just a mistake... and I was the last to know. ;-(

361/365

YOU WOULD THINK I WAS MAKING THIS SHIT UP

Out with Glo today...took her for a blood test... went to lunch...she fell again...we went to the eye doctor... I took her home and went to Target and bought a bunch of Christmas stuff I didn't need...

Yes - I said it. She FELL again - right off the curb coming out of the restaurant after lunch as I was saying "watch the curb." Almost took me down with her. Luckily I was holding her arm so I grabbed her. She went down on her knees and reopened her hand wound but if I wasn't holding her she would have landed on her face again. There was no one around - some girl driving by saw it and pulled in and helped me get her up... I couldn't even move her. I gave the girl a hug - she said that was the nicest thing anyone did. I said the same to her. ;-) So after all that and three hours at the eye doctor I went home and called her. I asked her what she was doing - she said she was looking for the phone because she needed to make a phone call and she couldn't find the other piece to it. She wanted to know how many pieces there were to the phone. She didn't seem to understand that she was actually ON the phone talking to me. Then a minute later I asked her what we had to do tomorrow and she gave me every last detail about every appointment she had... I don't know what the heck is going on. It looks like the poor puppy isn't getting to the vet tomorrow now either - she's been scratching her poor little face.

No pictures from today but here's one of Glo from Saturday. She was so excited to get her lottery scratch tickets... she would scratch off everything that wasn't scratchable even when I told her what to do and then she would get mad and say it was a loser.

If I live to get old - kill me.

360/365

THE MORNING (OR AFTERNOON) AFTER

I want to thank Debbie for helping me yesterday... it was a (partly self -induced) hectic day but hopefully it turned out ok for everyone else - thanks to her. Even she said this wasn't me... no dishes... no post-its... no plan... I think I came to the conclusion that that should go down as my last Christmas. Hopefully in more ways than one.

I can't believe it's actually over. I don't know when I went to bed last night - I'm thinking a little after midnight. It was 11:30 when I got back from taking Glo home and I poured a cup of coffee (my favorite thing of late night Christmas) and got on the phone and forgot to drink it. In fact, it's still on the table right now.

I fell asleep last night on top of the bed and I woke up after 2 in the afternoon. Exhausted to say the least!

It has not been easy staying here and I should have known better than to think that things would just fall into place. My Dad has been on his own (so to speak) for a long time and doesn't like change... I have brought (the majority of) my 13 years of things into a lifetime of stuff and we are to capacity in all ways... it was bound to explode.

I just overheard him talking to a guy he works with about last night... bits and pieces... "we're doing it over here now..." " yeah, he was my champion..." My Dad lost a son in all of this too. It's like he just disappeared. I guess I should have known it would be hard on him but it would be nice if someone just acknowledged that I have a lot going on too. I am not my father's wife and, as we thought, that's what I have become here. I can't do it anymore. It's been a complete setback being here for me and has brought him down as well. You can tell he really doesn't want us here too. Plus everything with Glo this last week just made the whole pot boil over.

The Christmas presents were opened around 10:30 last night. Well, mine are still in an unopened pile on the floor. It was full of guilty appreciation...

and Glo was so out of it she kept putting unopened presents in her bag - saying she "forgot that's what we were doing."

If it wasn't for Lily I wouldn't have even bothered.

What would happen if I abandoned everyone now? If it wasn't for the puppy I would just go... life goes on. They'll be fine.

359/365

MISTLETOE AND MELTDOWNS

That should have been the theme this year... minus the mistletoe.

HUGE fight with my DAD... he tried to punch me...

NOTHING ready, cleaned, prepped or done...

Ate DINNER in my room at my desk...

Got YELLED at for buying too many gifts...

BOTH of my cameras are dead...

Merry Christmas

Hoping I die in a fiery crash on my way back from taking Aunt Gloria home.

At least we had pizza frite.

358/365

I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS

if only in my dreams...

357/365

WHAT A DAY TODAY TURNED OUT TO BE!

If I was one of those people that tweeted in a a few words or instantly updated my facebook status to tell their friends and family how awesome or sucky their day was I wouldn't know which to choose! Luckily, I can explain as much as I want here. ;-)

I woke up with a good amount of shopping left, most of the grocery shopping to do, cleaning and prepping and wrapping... I had planned to get Lily's nails done in the morning and go get my headlight replaced... little errands. I spent the last 24 hours back and forth with doctors and dentists trying to put out fires Glo lit... got that all under control - I think! I did a couple things in the morning and then made the decision to completely ditch all my plans and go play in Lawrenceville! It was a day of shopping, coffee and hot chocolate, cupcakes, scones and hand pies and burgers!

You can see where our priorities are. Sweet and Savory goodness. Oh, and aiding and abetting a candy cane robbery should be mentioned too... So much better than real life things to do, right?

So after our little fun I thought I should get something done... I called PetSmart and they were open until 10! Awesome (I thought in my head) not really - but I was kind of excited that they were open so late. I went back home to pick up Lily and find her paperwork and looked in my wallet and realized my license was missing... then remembered I picked up an order yesterday and think I gave him my license... long story short - no one seems to know where it is - including me. So add that to my list of things to do - later, obviously.

Lily and I made it to PetSmart - still one headlight and now - no license but we got there! It is very difficult to handle her by myself. I have to admit that. And it was scary having her out at night in a parking lot... I didn't like that at all. Luckily they weren't busy but they had to call backup because "little miss spinner" was getting caught in the leash thing... we tried grinding instead of clipping. She didn't know what the hell was going on and I think was a nervous wreck so it turned out ok simply because she didn't know any better. I felt bad for the girls so they each got tipped almost as much as it cost but it was worth it!

Lily picked out a Christmas toy... like I needed to buy her another toy, I know! She loved it in the car and for about 3 seconds at home and immediately ripped it apart.

I thought they were going to call dog protective services on me, though, when she was getting her nails done. The one girl asked if she liked other dogs... I said she doesn't get to see many any more and she said it looks like she plays with other dogs a lot and gets scratched in the face. I guess I'm a BAD dog mother because she hasn't been around another dog in months and the scratches are all self inflicted wounds - she's like a cutter. Poor puppy plucked out of her home and mutilating herself to try and cope with her pain.

So here we are now... almost midnight... well - almost Christmas Eve and I STILL don't have anything done I needed to get done since MONDAY actually... just some nails trimmed and a little too full of cupcakes. I'm actually shaking... I totally feel like I'm leaving for a trip and have nothing ready. Debating on just going to bed and worrying about it in the morning.

356/365

CHRISTMAS BELLS ARE RINGING...

I just looked at the time and thought it was around 7 o'clock - not almost 1 AM. I should have known that couldn't have been possible with the day I had today but I didn't think it was this late. I feel like if I stop I'm just going to collapse and never wake up. The bags under my eyes are ridiculous. I lost the last couple days and tried to play catch up today. Sorry, Lily Bud. I know. You are such a good puppy...

It was a little crazy out there tonight - not terrible - still very busy, though... and I think it's safe to say I turned 40 and can't see very well anymore - especially at night. I'm blaming it on the one headlight thing but I think I should probably go to the eye doctor! ;-)

I had (sample) "lunch" at GFS this afternoon - corn casserole, sweet potato souffle, ham and blueberry cobbler.

All were, surprisingly, very good. Old people love their samples, don't they? I wanted to rumble with a few of them today - they don't care much about the (semi) young people that are in a hurry, do they? ;-)

While shopping, I had a really hard time resisting this snowy tinsel guy. I ♥ him and didn't like leaving him in the store. I didn't have much choice, though. I also left the light up pig that they've been selling for the last few years too. ;-(

One, I figured it was going to go on sale in a couple days and B - (did you get that?) - where am I going to put these things?!? I don't even like light up things because I think everything is going to catch on fire but I really think I may have to see if this snow guy is still there in a few days... He can just join the other boxes. There's still a little space before I hit the ceiling.

I haven't gotten a chance to read any of my Christmas magazines or catalogs yet...

I think I'm running out of ordering days, don't ya think? ;-) Though I ordered last night for Christmas delivery so I may still have a chance. If I could keep my eyes open I'd consider it. Does the grocery store deliver?

I got a surprise from a secret santa! Thanks, Sue! It's hard to find something "pig" that I DON'T already have. I didn't have this - so cute! ;-)

I don't know why the Bud won't go in and sleep with The Dad anymore... maybe it's because whenever I come home she never has water and is in the dark and always wants to play. This single mother with an uncooporative "the dad" is getting old quick. It's exactly what we said would happen with him... just as expected. I was downstairs for awhile and came up to Lily sleeping on the couch by herself - waiting for me. ;-( She's such a good dog!

Come on pup... it's time for you, me and your blanket to go to bed. ;-)

355/365

TOT - Ten on Tuesday - :-) & :-(

1. The other night we were going from Station Square to Southside Works and then to the Waterfront... the GPS lady tried to take me up this big giant hill in I still don't know where... I'm not sure it was actually a road. It was a little creepy to say the least. We should have gone to Duquense instead. ;-)

2. I kept thinking about those dogs at the drive thru when we were looking for a Burger King on our way to the country living festival... We never were able to locate a Burger King with that thing then. GPS person took us to some rinky dink road/neighborhood then too and when we pulled up to the hotel - there was a Burger King right next to it! I was so sad for those dogs because I thought they were lost and hungry - I think they were just trucker dogs, though. ;-(

3. I got the peppermint mocha at Starbucks in B & N the other night. It reminded me of the peppermint hot chocolate we had at Dixon last Christmas. Just get two pumps though for a tall. That's more than enough. ;-)

4. Many years ago we came up with a big list of things we loved (and hated) about each other - one for D was me hugging him so hard that I would almost knock him over and for me it was the smell of his cologne lasting for a long time when he would come over and kiss his girls (me and the Bud) goodbye in the morning before leaving for work. I rescued the last bottle that was thrown away many months ago and open it and smell it from time to time. I know that's really weird but I miss that smell and that moment. ;-(

5. I really did create a monster by buying that stupid Pandora dice bead in Vegas...I'm just a nervous wreck over the other beads I want.... and the meaning behind all of them. I really shouldn't be so stressed out about this. Where's my xanax??? ;-)

6. I thought he was going to get mad but he actually laughed... I told my Dad that if he opened a restaurant he should call it CRUMBS!!! I can't stand it here. ;-(

7. Glo asked Dr. Blank to marry her today. She was singing All I want for Christmas is my two Front Teeth the whole day. Turns out it's FOUR she has to ask Santa for. And she sounds just like Cindy Brady. ;-)

8. This is a PG blog and all but I can't stop laughing at the "father christmas..." video a friend of mine posted on facebook a few days ago. I don't know what's funnier - the choreography or lyrics or wardrobe or graduation portrait on the wall! If you are easily offended, I am warning you, do NOT even bother searching for it or just turn the volume down and learn some rockin dance moves. Cute little jacket optional. ;-)

9. Last Christmas I gave you my heart... ;-(

10. For something fun - click on this link - "which Christmas-movie house would you love to spend Christmas in?"I had a really hard time with this! It was like choosing my Pandora beads all over again! ;-)

(I'm a sucker for a white house so 5 and 9 are my favorites (too many lights on 10) but I do LOVE #8. After much debate - for looks alone - I chose 5!)

354/365

I'D RATHER BE SHOPPING

That's what Glo kept saying the whole time we were in the Emergency Room today.

First, I thought I was going to be questioned with elder abuse while we were out this morning. She fell last week in the driveway of her apartment. She told me she was all bruised around her chin but I didn't know it was as bad as it was until I saw her today.

I picked her up this morning and we had breakfast and went to a few stores in the Waterworks. She was right next to me talking up a storm. We crossed the street and were almost to the cars and I walked a couple steps in front of her to beep my horn to see if I was parked in the aisle and heard her call my name. To use a phrase my Dad likes - she went down. Flat on her face.

I saw her headband go flying but she had already hit - there was no way I could have caught her. A couple guys jumped out of their trucks and called 911 and what seemed like 600 people came out of the Giant Eagle cafe - workers and customers. They brought one of the restaurant chairs out for her but I didn't want to get her up. A firetruck came and the firemen got her up while we waited for the ambulance.

There was blood everywhere - her front teeth were gone, chin a hundred times worse than it was, banged up her (other) knee - bruised the other one on the Thursday fall. The ambulance came and they brought her in and she told them she didn't want to go to the hospital but they could take her to Macy's. Her finger was bleeding really bad - so they put a garfield band-aid on it as a joke until they found something bigger and she kept giving everyone the (middle) finger and thought it was the funniest thing in the universe. I brought our packages to my car and I swear I looked back and (for a second) I just wanted to leave. I was going to get in the car, go get the dog and keep driving until I ran out of gas.

I went back though. ;-) The ambulance took her to St. Margarets and I drove over and walked in and went over to the foamy thing and it went flying all over me. I couldn't stop laughing. I think the guy that signed us in thought I was nuts.

We spent 6 hours in the ER.

As prepared as I thought I was going to be for this Christmas - it's all falling apart. Still driving around with one headlight... Lily still needs her nails done.. Oh, I forgot... when we got to the ER she needed to undress. She gave me her glasses, I helped her get changed and sat down. The doctor came in and I got up and told him what was going on and turned around and realized I sat on her damn glasses. She fell THREE times in the last month and a half and never broke her glasses and I DID! So along with the dentist - I guess a trip to the eye doctor is next!

I'm done! I'm going to bed. Wake me up in 2011 - or 2012 for that matter.

353/365

DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY

Lily took a ride yesterday and went to get her picture taken with Santa. Santa was actually a lady. We walked back to where they were taking them and there he/she was - the big guy (or should I say girl) standing there - gloves off, beard down, hat disheveled... I think she might have been eating a Kashi bar! Every "Santa" needs a little snack break, I guess, but I'm glad there weren't any children around. It wasn't Disney - that's for sure - no lines on the ground where you need to stay in character and costume!

You can't see Lily's cute little sweater very well in this but she seemed pretty happy to sit on Santa's lap and tell (her) what she wanted for Christmas. I think she would have stayed there all day and cuddled up on her big comfy santa suit but there were other doggies waiting for their turn. Could this little pup be any cuter??? ♥♥♥

Here's her picture from 2009. I think this guy may have been the real thing. ;-)

352/265

EVERYTHING COMES OUT IN THE WASH

I read about Karen Maezen Miller and her Mama Zen book over a year ago on some fertility thing - she had difficulty conceiving and was in her 40s, I believe, when she got pregnant...

I hesitated to get her second (hand wash cold - instructions for an ordinary life) because I don't like the word ordinary.

I thought it was going to be another woe is me, my life is so hectic, just need to make time to stop and smell the roses song and dance. I figured I liked her first book, though, and think I needed something else for free shipping so I took it out of my saved items and went ahead and ordered it. That was months ago and I started it and kind of lost it in some box somewhere... I discovered it again and finished it last week and thought it was worth mentioning here.

On a side note, my mother LOVED doing laundry... loved it. I think if she could have done the neighbors laundry she would have. Those that know me well know I don't like doing laundry much... I never was quite good at it but I'm getting better.

Anyway, in one of the reviews it's billed as an Eat Pray Love "without the scurrying from something..." I think that's true for it. There is only one place. The one you're in. You don't have to journey off to far off lands to find it. You don't have to wait for your real life to start. It's in the kitchen and in the garden and the laundry. And, as the author says, you don't need a fancy front loading washer to live it. Though I am quite fond of those red ones!!! ;-) Anyway, the ordinary can be extraordinary.

The message behind this book is a simple concept much like the one that was presented to me some time ago. I liked this book for a lot of reasons... it's my favorite size and it's broken up into easily digestible little pieces and I'm a big metaphor girl so it was a win-win for me. I also liked what was in it. I would highly recommend it if you are interested.

Book information and video can be found by clicking here.

"Happiness is simple. Everything we do to find it is complicated." ~ Karen Maezen Miller

351/365

BAH-HUM-PUG

I went to bed at 3am and was up at 5am... so I'll make this quick. I think I need to take a nap before I go to bed!

I'm listening to Frosty the Snowman on TV in the other room and not liking it very much. I don't know where my letters are to him... I would watch it every year and tape my tears to a note I would write to him telling him I didn't want him to melt... I wonder if that's why I love snowpeople so much?? ;-)

I think I'll write a letter to him now. Where's that tape???

Here's a picture of Lily from last year. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

350/365

I don't really feel like talking tonight. Goodnight.

349/365

ECHOES OF ANGELS WHO WON'T RETURN

"You're waiting for someone...

to put you together.

You're waiting for someone...

to push you away.

There's always another wound to discover.

There's always something more you wish he'd say."

(photo taken at Mt. Carmel Cemetery - Iphone: Hipstamatic App, no flash, Jimmy lens, Blanko film, intentional blur.)

348/365

TOT - Ten on Tuesday

1. I heard that 53% of pets will get presents this christmas. What about the other 47%??? ;-(

2. Every time I hear the UPMC Life Changing Medicine commercial - I feel like I should be going backwards down Spaceship Earth.

3. I'm having a really hard time coming up with ideas for my 40 things I want to do before I turn 41 project... I only came up with seven so far... including (re) learn the cha cha... see a professional boxing match... find a black purse I really like... make a pie... learn to sew... Nothing real spectacular.

4. I like this 1000 ways to die show.

5. I checked the weather channel yesterday and this came up :

Some of it was in German for some reason! In case you are wondering - bedeckt means "overcast/cloudy" and (einige) schneesch means (some) "light snow."

6. I think this means NO MORE PICTURES!!! ;-)

It takes about 40 shots like that one to get one OK one.

7. Lily hasn't slept with The Dad since I got back from my birthday trip.

8. Am I too old to ask Santa for this? ;-)

9. I wonder if he remembers what he wrote in here?

10. WOW - if I hadn't just downloaded this I would have totally thought this was RoseBud.

347/365

YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND, BABY... RIGHT ROUND

You can always tell when Lily was outside... the pup loves to spin in circles. It's up to her "elbows" out there tonight... maybe we'll be able to make a snowman tomorrow. I bought this cute little kit the other day... with a nose and pipe and scarf and buttons... just add snow!

346/365

THE NAMES AND FACES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE IDENTITY OF THOSE INVOLVED

I felt like I was in a real life sliding block puzzle today...

The parties involved didn't want to be photographed so this puzzle will have to do.

345/365

ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER

YES, I know I have two different shoes on! Lily has learned to open the closet and help herself to whatever she can reach... or she will bring a shoe from downstairs up or hide one in her bed. She thinks it's super fun to go running around with one shoe in her mouth. She also thinks it's fun to grab anything she shouldn't - kleenex, shopping lists, pens... She got my earrings the other day and chewed one right out of the setting. Anyway, I heard her jump off the Dad's bed and run in the other room - that should have been my first clue she was up to no good. I went to check on her and found she was chewing on something. I bribed her with a treat to spit it out (she gets more treats for being bad!) and it turns out it was a wrapper to a cough drop. The Dad informed me this morning that he thought he broke his rib coughing... Coincidence? I think not. I went into a panic because I saw it was sugar free and I know some of that can be deadly - fast... I had no idea if she swallowed the whole thing or if she just pickpocketed the wrapper. Tragedy was averted but I was not very happy this morning. Don't mess with me and my dog... I'm done being here.

344/365

TOY STORY

I've been thinking about Children's Palace for awhile now... Our last stop of the evening a couple weeks ago (on Black Friday) was Toys R Us and I've been thinking about Children's Palace ever since. Toys R Us was a bit of a disaster that night ... merchandise thrown everywhere, garbage all over near the entrance... still a lot of people in there - even late. I just got a really bad feeling when I walked in. Most shoppers were overworked, annoyed parents looking to get a deal on some toy of the day... I was irritated, of course, by some of them. I was back there again last night and started thinking the same thing... all the toys and games and baby stuff I bought from that place for all the kids that were in my life - and none for my own.

"What were you able to build with your blocks?

Castles and palaces, temples and docks.

Rain may keep raining, and others go roam,

But I can be happy and building at home.

Let the sofa be mountains, the carpet be sea,

There I'll establish a city for me:

A kirk and a mill and a palace beside,

And a harbour as well where my Vessels may ride..."

~ Block City - Robert Louis Stevenson - 1913

I've been thinking about this last pregnancy lately and how we never got to discuss what happened. That doesn't sit well with me. We found out the first was a boy, the second a girl but, even after weeks waiting for testing results, we never got to find out this one. I had a feeling, though. We named this one CJ - the initials of both our mothers. I figured that was unisex enough.

I was in Community Market tonight...

There was a ballon that broke free from all the others that were for sale and this one floated around (almost followed me) as I went through the produce department. Even with my penchant for all things inanimate "talking" to me, I was slightly creeped out by it and hesitated to see what it said. I looked up and (you can't tell from the picture) it said - it's a girl.

Maybe I was right.

343/365

DISPOSABLE

Lily licked the tears off my face all morning after we saw the story about Lil Jordan - a little dog thrown in the trash who was rescued by the people at Rescue Ink.

I don't know why I was so taken by her story - I think it was from her beach pictures from the days before she died.

Some things shouldn't be so easily discarded.

Click here for a video of Lil Jordan.

Wags and kisses, Lil Jordan, from Lily and me. Say hi to RB.

342/365

...IN EXCELSIS DEO...

Now I can't get that song out of my head or the sound of Denise's voice while she was singing it in the car when Aunt GLORIA came to visit and we were going to Kmart for stuff for our apartment at PSU. ;-)

I had to take Glo to the doctor today. We were disappointed because the little dive across the street we usually go to for lunch closed so our plans got all screwed up. She was in rare form, though... I took a deep breath and said I wasn't going to freak out on her (like I did on that lady at the gas station - the other night.) That was bad. I'll save that story for another day.

Anyway, it was ok in the beginning... She read all the road signs under her breath, as usual. She was kind of going down memory lane a lot with memories of her and Uncle Norman. Talking about the Silver Lake drive in and the BBQ place at the end of Highland Park Bridge - that no one seems to remember but her.

She talked about how no one can mess with Steeler fans and those other guys are getting fined for all the bad things they did at the game... She told me her "sweetie pie" Polamalu is a Samoyed and a religious man and so nice and he has two kids now...

She informed me that South Side is going through renovations - and that it has to because all those animals get drunk and set things on fire down there...

She asked if I thought it was going to snow today - WHILE it was actually snowing...

I wish I would have recorded her because there were some good ones. Oh, like the fact that she hopes her doctor never retires - though, she said, by the time he would retire she'll be DEAD so it won't really matter!

I did pretty good - only once did I want to push her down the escalator in Macy's - I stopped myself though. Just being honest here, people. ;-) By the time we got to grocery shopping I was just ready to get home. She stopped in front of something for awhile and I asked her what the problem was and she said she's been wanting pumpkin pie but shouldn't really get it (she lost weight and didn't want to blow it and she didn't want to buy a whole big pie) but then she said, I swear on my mother, "I can do this for me, right? I deserve it!" I wanted to say et tu brute? - but I just said yeah, if that's what you want, Aunt Gloria, get it. ;-)

So you go, Glo. Enjoy the pie and if your sugar goes up to 400 tonight call 911!

And, yes, I know THIS is a Samoyed. ;-)

341/365

TOT - Ten on Tuesday

1. I confirmed the fact that I am afraid of torches when we went to the Pittsburgh Glass Center this weekend. I totally know how Janel felt when we were in Epcot! ;-)

2. Did you see that there were 2 deaths in one week in Celebration, Florida. The grass isn't always greener even in what seems to be a town of enchantment.

3. Now I have to post a picture from our last trip to Celebration in February...

...when I think about what was said on that little walk around that lake and through that neighborhood it kind of makes me want to kill myself too.

4. I think Aunt Gloria is starting to lose it - like for real this time.

5. I forgot about this cute little guy in vegas... I wonder how that big fish is in Harrisburg. ;-)

6. Lily has something to say: Woof... GRRRRR.... woof... woof... wooof... grrrr... woof... woof... WOOF!

For some reason Lily just discovered that the wall is mirrored and has been barking, pretty much, NON STOP (morning, noon and night) at the other dog that looks exactly like her that lives behind those mirrors. She is just not getting it no matter how much I try to tell her that the other dog is HER! It was really cute for the first 10 minutes when she first did it but now it's getting a little annoying. ;-)

7. When I heard the news yesterday that Elizabeth Edwards was told she had weeks to live I thought about making the call (over 16 years ago) to everyone when we were told that about my mother... I don't know which is better - to know death is imminent or to be surprised by something somewhat sudden???

8. We were always big " I Love You" people... on the phone, leaving the house, going to bed... I feel like I don't say I Love You to Lily as much as I should. ;-)

9. There's nothing that bothers me more than liars... well, maybe hypocrites!

10. Saw this at Giant Eagle... A sweatshirt for the naughty - soon to be on clearance I would bet. ;-)