241/365

"WELL, GUYS - YOU'RE GOING TO GO TO A NEW HOME... SO AM I."
I overheard Glo say that to my pigs when I went in her storage closet to grab another box... She said it with a bit of a sigh. Some days it seems like she knows that she has to live somewhere else - like that would be the best thing... other days she kind of thinks differently.  She'll ask if she's doing better... if the medicine may turn things around...One minute she's worried about her stuff - then she goes around and says I want you to have the wine glasses with the flowers on them and maybe your Dad might want the kitchen stuff.  This isn't easy for anyone... I know what it's like to be asked to leave your own house when you don't want to. It's not that nice.

Anyway... I have a good amount of things at her place... Special pigs (and pugs) that I didn't really want in storage but couldn't fit at The Dad's.  Little tiny pigs from the curio - bubble wrapped in under bed bins... giant chef pigs from our dining room... bronze pig lamps... I tucked them in closets and boxes over here because I had no other place to put them. I pulled all of them out today and binned what I could.

As I went through the boxes, I discovered things I haven't seen in a long time - each with stories of their own. Honestly, it was too much to handle.  I took a few things out that I wanted with me for the time being... who knows when these bins will be opened again.

Before Piglet could think, Pooh answered for him. "He'd come and live with me, " said Pooh, "wouldn't you, Piglet?"  Piglet squeezed his paw.  "Thank you, Pooh," he said, "I should love to."

240/365

FLIGHT RISK

I didn't have a sitter today so I brought Glo to the hospital with me. I sat her down and gave her a puzzle book.  One of the girls brought me back to get changed and I went in and held my breath...  I didn't think she would wander off but I just wasn't 100% sure. One of the radiation techs came in part way through and said she peeked out and she was still there!

We stopped and picked up Lily and took her to get her nails done... I'm not sure how to upload videos on here so check out a couple of Lily through these links...

The first is Lily getting ready to go for a ride...
Lily Going Bye-Bye in the Car.

The second is when I went to the mac machine and she was crying for me... Glo said she didn't know what to sing to her to calm her down so she counted instead... this is a reenactment.
Lily's Countdown.

Seiously. Cutest. Dog. Ever.

Glo was a good dog sitter in the car back in Norfolk days... my links aren't that great on here - I can't find a pic at the moment. You can take my word for it.

Anyway, really bad day today - we came back to The Dad's to do laundry and all I remember is throwing towels in and going to bed.  I couldn't even keep my eyes open.

239/365

LET HER SLEEP FOR WHEN SHE WAKES SHE WILL MOVE MOUNTAINS
Early start to today... Glo spent the day at Betty's  - Betty's son calls her every Wednesday so she wanted to be home to get his call. I dropped Glo off at her house for a play date.

I ran to The Dad's to take care of The Bud - which has made me late every day this week. I had my radiation which was the longest appointment ever - they were getting too much lung so they had to re-xray everything-it was a big old mess... I met Paula and Chrissy for a marathon lunch and just made it back at 2:30 to pick up Glo and get her back to her apartment... the home health aide pulled up right next to me. This is starting to become a thing. I can't keep up with all these appointments.  My boy Barry, the nurse, came after that and stayed for three hours. He likes to talk.  Though some of that talk was about me...

Last week the strangest thing happened.  I hadn't been sleeping  - not like this past week - but from Glo's ER day on things were weird. Once I made the decision that I couldn't just place her somewhere quickly and decided I would stay with her until I found somewhere decent, I was finally able to breath a little better.  I remember getting into bed that night - knowing I was just going to take her home from the hospital the next day... I actually was kind of relieved. It was around 12:45 am or so which was the earliest I was in bed in a long time...

Next thing I remember - I looked at the clock and it was 1 AM and I was petrified in fear.  I was trying to scream out for The Dad but I couldn't do anything...couldn't make a sound, move, nothing... I had these visions flashing in front of me - a remember a clown, a scull with worms coming out of it, snakes, things flying around... It didn't make any sense - it was like things you would see in a horror movie.  I wasn't sure if I was awake or asleep but I knew it wasn't really a dream. I was in a total panic. It was the worst feeling ever. It was like I was wide awake but motionless. The visions didn't get to me - not being able to communicate or move did.

I called chrissy in the morning and told her because I wanted someone to know about it in case I dropped dead. I thought I was either going crazy or it was brain cancer (of course) or I had some sort of stroke - especially since I knew my BP has been really high.  I couldn't figure out what to search for on the computer so I had no idea what was going on but it's been bugging me... I asked Barry and he was all over it... He said it was hypnagogic sleep paralysis. He went on for about 45 minutes about it... his background is in neuropsychology and turns out he was very well informed on sleep.  He asked me some questions - he's big on his assessments - that would have pointed to a more serious condition... he just thinks it was related to my lack of sleep and extraordinary about of stress. He said my gold wonder woman cuffs fell off. ;-)

I found a lot of information on it now that I know what it is and I keep getting chills every time I read something. It definitely wasn't a good feeling but I'm finding it all pretty fascinating.

Click here for an article about it if you are interested in learning more...

Sleep well.

238/365

TOT- TEN ON TUESDAY (a glimpse into life with Glo)

1.  I can't even begin to tell you how incredibly tired I am... I did not sleep AT ALL last night - not for one minute. Today was my weekly xrays and dr visit... another high BP. 155/98. My nurse was like we don't want you to stroke out on us so you are going to have to get this stress out of your life. I don't know what she's talking about. ;-)

2.  Betty had to go to the convent to see her nun friends today so I got Babe from upstairs to come sit with Glo this morning while I checked in on The Lily Bud and went to radiation.  I was still in the bathroom when she got here - I came out to this... Babe was telling her to sit down because she probably didn't remember how to fold a sheet in her "condition" and she could do it herself.


3.  I came back and asked them if they wanted to take a ride to the bakery with me... Babe asked if it was near Sam's... I never made it to the bakery. I'll give you three guesses as to where we ended up!!!

I can't tell you how many head shakes and smiles and "god bless yous" I got from the people around me. I met all the guys - Babe introduced me to Nick the produce guy and Richard and the store manager... she knew everyone. Yes, we stopped for hot dogs.  I can sleep in 2013. I'm good. Really.

4. Glo goes through RoseBud's pictures daily... she keeps telling me Lily is nice but she liked RoseBud way better. Like WAY better.   MY POOR LILY BUD!!!

5. I have to put this on the door every night - not to stop anyone from coming in -  it's so I can hear if she tries to open it.  Babe gave it to me along with a blanket... she had about 7 throw blankets upstairs and wanted to thank me for taking her for a ride to Sam's... She's so cute. She's a QVCaholic - like Chrissy.  They met a couple months ago and they were like kindred spirits.  She loves her.  She said she is "jolly."

6. Glo keeps talking about these dish towels that David helped her buy. I have no idea what she's talking about but she said he brought her up to the counter to get them and she'll always remember that.  She keeps asking why he didn't come to the hospital.  Then in the next breath she says he doesn't have time for us because he's probably too busy going to a concert. I never said she was totally out of it! ;-)


7. The "hope you feel better" fist bump that rocked the world - from friday night.
 

8. I'm not one to park your "kid" in front of the tv but there's a game channel and cartoon channel and even a dog tv channel... I really don't know why there isn't a round the clock Jeopardy/Wheel of Fortune channel... it would be so convenient. When asked (multiple times) when it is on - you can respond - actually - right now! I think it would be wonderful. All Glo wants to do is watch that or the game - hopefully Steelers but she'll take what she can get... she pulls a dining room chair up to the tv every night to watch sports...


9. Bithday dinner tonight with Glo's crazy girls...She did a good job getting herself dressed to go out... even picked out a statement necklace. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CARA!


10. I have a busy day tomorrow so I am going to drop Glo off at Betty's house for a play date and go check on this girl... I can't believe it's been less than a week since I snuggled with her... seems like forever. I miss this face!

237/365

KEEP CALM AND EAT A BISCUIT
Well, The Dad gave me about a week before a tantrum... figured as much. That's about the time he gave me after surgery. He said he can't manage the dog - can't get her out and feed her so I had no choice but to get Betty over early and run to the house. Well, try to. I didn't judge my time correctly... By the time I got off the turnpike, I realized that wasn't going to happen.. It was 9:50 and I knew by the time I would have gotten to the house I would have had about five minutes to take care of the pup before I would have had to turn around and leave for the hospital. I had a little bit of time before my appointment and I knew if I stopped moving I would have probably fallen asleep in the car so I kept on going - straight to a plain biscuit...

I haven't had one of those in a very long time.

Unfortunately, biscuits aren't as magical as I remember.

I checked on The Lily Bud after radiation and she was waiting to go potty! We played with the frisbee for a minute and I fed her and packed up a few things... I had to be quick because I had to meet a social worker back at Glo's at 12:30.  I got there just in time... she pulled up 10 seconds after me and we actually walked in together to a full house.  There was an old lady party going on... Betty and Babe were both there and we walked in and the first thing they said was, "We had a man in the house - Dan the handyman." I told you these broads were crazy.

Anyway, the social worker could see how frazzled I was and I got the same song and dance... you need to take care of yourself... are you sleeping... etc...  I know everyone means well but, it's funny, I keep asking everyone that says that how they want me to do that and no one can actually come up with an answer. ;-)  Besides being a selfish little bitch and walking out on everyone - I can't come up with a way either.  Let me know if you have any suggestions.

236/365

TRUCK STOP
Glo wanted to go to Target this afternoon... on the way back I stopped at McDonald's for iced tea... we saw there was a tractor trailer in a ravine just off the Turnpike exit ramp... Glo asked if McDonald's had ice cream and said she wanted to get some and watch the accident!  The girl told me the driver had a seizure and broke his jaw. I don't know if anything else happened to him or anyone else... they were trying to tow the truck out when we got there.  Glo told me to park in a spot so we could watch... she said she'll probably never get to see something like this again so we should do it... she said it would be like going to the drive in movies.  How could I resist that proposition?  So I parked and for 45 minutes we sat in the car and watched the "show."



She thought everyone should have applauded when they got it on the tow truck and drove away... no one did.  She did give them a silent thumbs up but I missed it on camera... When we got home she pulled up a dining room chair and waited for the news to come on so she could watch it on tv...

I hope you all aren't jealous over the fun we are having.  ;-)

234/365

I MISS MY PUPPY!!!
I have been so tired the last couple days - not sure if it is from radiation or from running around like a crazy person... I totally feel like I'm spinning and going to fall asleep at any given moment... on the phone, driving, etc... We went to The Dad's yesterday to do laundry and have dinner. I don't like being away from my puppy! I really wish I would have trained her to be a therapy dog when I wanted to.  I think she would have liked it.

233/365

HEY, BETTY!
This is Betty.

She came over this morning in her house coat... She's always been twenty minutes early and bangs on the door when she gets here... I was in the bathroom getting dressed and told Glo to get the door... she went in the bedroom. I asked her where she was going and she said oh that's right and closed the bedroom door behind her. I finally pointed her to the front door and she opened it.

Betty said she met aunt gloria in church - she said she used to pass her dirty jokes in the pew.  She's been coming over when I go to my appointments - before I left for radiation the other day she said I want to tell you something before you go - it's related.  An old guy went up to this old broad and said show me your tits... she said she bent down and brushed off her shoes and pulled her skirt up - you know because they were old and saggy - then she said something else - let's just say dick was the tamest word she said. She told me she added that part herself. ;-)

232/365

TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN
We met Barry today - best nurse ever. He was here for over 3 hours... it's been 7000 degrees in the apartment.  I was about ready to burst into flames.  He actually took my temperature. It wasn't just me - the poor thing was sweating like a pig. He did some assessments... definitely advanced dementia.  He said he's surprised she lasted this long on her own. It's definitely way worse than I even thought.

As always, she wanted to go out so we went to Kings for apple pie and cinnamon ice cream.  My favorite.  Well not the pie (I'm a cake girl) but cinnamon ice cream is my fave... I think they changed it though - it's not the same. She enjoyed it.

I opted for cinnamon ice cream and a (caramel) frownie brownie.

Not liking the caramel and every time I see a Frownie I think of Steve. Just noticed the date of this pic - looks like the 20th anniversary of the PSU Eat N Park frownie cookie is coming up...

231/365

SO WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ASSISTED LIVING AND A PERSONAL HAIR COMB?
I was on the phone yesterday with someone and asked that question... yes, I said Hair Comb instead of Care Home! I still crack up when I think about it. This poor woman that was trying to help me probably thinks I'm nuts. She kept telling me to breathe and kept saying "this is too much for you, dear:" over and over again. I told her I was really good at this stuff I just had a lot going on and was getting things a little mixed up... kind of like Glo.  Maybe someone needs to place me somewhere for a short time so I can get my head together.  I came home the other day and grabbed my bag and got out of the car - while it was still running and in reverse. As I was walking to the garage, I finally realized I didn't have the keys with me and went back... luckily the railroad tie was there or the car probably would have been in the back yard.

Today was going home day... Glo wanted to go to Original Hot Dog...I knew it was Pitt move in day but figured what the hell... it was a little crazy and we were stuck a couple times and never found a parking space...

We ended up at Station Street... they were loving that it was the first stop after leaving the hospital - it was really cute.

We got home and an upstairs neighbor, Babe, came down while I went to the store to go shopping and get her pills.... We had dinner and she got ready for bed by herself - pajama pants from her drawer and a dress shirt from her closet. Around 12:45 am or so I found her in the bathroom taking everything out of the hamper - she said she was looking for the sunday paper and wanted to read the sale ads... I put her in bed and she got up a few minutes later and opened and closed every drawer and door in the dining room looking for something. She paced around the apartment the rest of the night. Neither one of us slept at all.

230/365

PAY IT FORWARD
We were coming out of Tessaro's tonight and this girl approached us - looked innocent enough... said she had a question... she asked if we knew where Wexford was... said she worked in Oakland - told us where and said she left her wallet there or at home, something like that. She was talking really fast and I was loosing track of what she was saying. Long drawn out story later, she said she needed gas money and could give it back... she told us what street she lived on ... 3rd house from the police station...  I handed her what I had left in my wallet. I either gave $17 to a wackadoodle to go buy drugs or she's on her way home. We'll never know.  I told her not to worry about it and just to do something nice for someone else and she went on her way.

After my treatment today (which is the long one - X-rays, etc...) I met with the doctor - a Hindu woman... I've never seen her before - she was filling in for the regular guys. The nurses briefed her on my "situation" and let her know what's been going on with me - independent of the BC. My blood pressure was 166/99 and they were concerned...  she checked my boob and proceeded to tell me about growing up and going to med school...taking a rickshaw and walking there - she was rich but some of the other girls had drivers and got to school that way... she thought they were so lucky but they didn't appreciate anything... bad things started to happen to them... she went on and on and actually had me a little mesmerized.

She went through a meditation and asked if I knew where the meditation room was at the hospital.  I knew there was one but didn't think it was completed yet... she brought me there. She was speaking really fast and was hard to understand.  This is the closest thing I can find to what she told me... Meditation of Heaven and Earth.

I had to make a decision today on what to do with Aunt Gloria... I decided to take her home. One, because I thought she shouldn't be plucked out of her own house without ever going back and two, because I wasn't comfortable making a decision in 12 hours on where she should be for the rest of her life.  I'm just going to have to make it work somehow until I can check some places out. I still don't know how I'm going to do this but I feel like it's the best thing for all concerned.

"... even chance meetings are the result of karma... things in life are fated by our previous lives. That even in the smallest events there's no such thing as coincidence..." ~ Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

229/365

PERKINS - REVISITED
I officially went all Perkins on the nurse case manager and social service girl today...  I have no idea what to do or where Glo needs to be - I can't even think clearly. I thought I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but I was wrong...

(NOTE TO SELF: Someone really needs to STOP taking pictures while she's driving.)

228/365

"DON'T WASTE MY TIME"
All I wanted to do this weekend was clean the house a little and get organized with everything. I've either been running back and forth so much or completely exhausted that I haven't had a minute to do anything. The Dad was away for the weekend on a fishing trip and I would have the house to myself... I was probably a little too excited for that. When I got the strange call from Glo in the middle of the night on Thursday/Friday, I knew that wasn't going to happen. I didn't think I'd be up all night the past 2 nights, though.

I've always had an obsession with time... proverbial clock ticking for a bunch of things. Strangely, though, I'm never really quick to do anything. I made this girl a couple years ago to try to get the ticking out of my head...

By the time I got home last night all I wanted to do was sleep... I fed the Bud, took her out  - no ghost kids! - made some phone calls and came to the conclusion I couldn't do any more. I carried the pup into bed and about ten minutes later she was whimpering for her bone... then she got off the bed and was barking at her toys and the stuffed pug and just being really jumpy. I don't think it was a ghost kid (or dog) though at that point I tried to make a deal with them and told them they could do whatever they wanted - just don't kill me. I walked around and did notice that there were places that were really, really cold but, without an EMF detector, I just decided to turn the air up!

We hunkered down on the couch and watched the movie In Time... I saw a few minutes of it last week and recorded it because I didn't have time to watch it  - yes I said I didn't have time, it's true though.  ;-) It was slightly hard to get over JT - No matter what that boy does, I can't stop thinking of Model Behavior when I see him act - but I actually liked this movie. Lots of time references, so for a time junkie such as myself, it was good... lots of little word play - switching out money for time and it was just enough in the future to be strangely possible.

Weird running aside, we gave it two thumbs and two dew claws up. Watch it if you can.

I have to get out of here and get to the hospital... I got a call from the doctor this morning that Glo was wandering the halls with no clothes on...it looks like things aren't going to get better. I honestly don't know how I'm going to do this today... I can hardly keep my eyes open.

 I don't know what's going to happen with all of this. I think the statement only time will tell applies perfectly here.

227/365

CIRCLE OF FRIENDS
Glo is still in the hospital.  At least I left the Food Channel on tonight.  I left yesterday and had the Travel Channel on by mistake and came home to ghost hunters or something.  Poor Bud had to watch shaky hand held footage of some abandoned property all night!

Have I talked about the circle of children I fear I will see in the backyard - holding hands and spinning around? It's not a hard visual... It's like this but with real ghostly beings laughing and playing.

When I was little I would think that a spaceship would land on our pool and snatch me and Pepper up and we would play on the spaceship with all the alien kids...  Who knows?  Maybe it happened... and I think I saw those ghost kids once or twice, too. At least my hallucinations are happy people - Glo's seem to be hooligans!

I think I'm officially at the end of my rope. I actually have no idea how I got home tonight... I don't even remember driving here. This has been an exhausting two days on top of my own stuff - and I haven't even finished week 2 yet!  I need to get to bed.

Goodnight, ghost kids, whoever you are.

226/365

GUESS WHO GOT THE SUPER DUPER, BEST DOG EVER, I DIDN'T GO PEE PEE IN THE HOUSE WHILE I WAS ALONE FOR ALMOST 14 HOURS AWARD?

YES - it was Lily!  She is such a good girl... I wonder if she thought I abandoned her like her daddy did???

It was a pretty eventful day...   You would think the most interesting thing I encountered today would have been finding out the sexual escapades of a certain someone... turns out it wasn't.  Glo called me at 3:30 in the morning and thought she was to take her evening pills... I told her she was way off and to call me at her usual 8 am... She did and told me the people were there but they were going to leave...  I went to lunch... cups were thrown...

I went to radiation all stressed and distraught and actually a little proud of myself because my higher self  rocks and knows a liar and a hypocrite when she sees one. After treatment I went on a search for what turned out to be the super duper, best dog ever, I didn't go pee pee in the house while I was alone for almost 14 hours award. I called Glo to check on her and she was yelling at the people. While I was in the car, she described them to me and was talking to them and telling them they had to leave. She said her tv wasn't working and the remote needed batteries... So I got batteries and headed over to her house. I get there and she is PISSED OFF... these kids were throwing the cushions off the couch and eating chocolate right from the wrapper... the elderly couple wasn't even stopping them... some lady put a cup right on her wood table.  She was furious. I called the doctor again and the whole damn group of us waited for him to call me back...  Long story short - well maybe not that short - Chrissy met us and we were off to the ER.

Blood, Pee, CT, Chest Xray, EKG and a few other things didn't show very much... her BP was 220 over 98 and let's just say, we weren't the only people in the room... 5 hours later she was admitted and bitched at every single person she saw and said that if she wasn't going out to eat with us they had to get her something to eat NOW... it took about an hour for them to find her a turkey sandwich that she ate in about 17 seconds... We left when she was done and Glo said there was one good thing... at least we wouldn't hit any traffic! 

Chrissy and I ended up at Eat N Park at 2 am with the most interesting cast of characters I've seen. While his gray haired friend got up to go to the bathroom, a leather wearing casanova with a ponytail got up and asked us what we've been doing all night...  he said it was cold in there - which it was - and asked if we wanted him to "warm us up." Just then our hot chocolate came and his friend came and got the check.  Can't blame the guy for trying... he probably just thought we were lesbians that eat too much dessert. Maybe he's into that. I mean, come on, Chrissy did have Birkenstocks on. ;-)

225/365

CLASS HAS ENDED...

Tascha's drawing class is over... ;-(  I was happy to be part of her first class and in the company of a such a special and talented group. I have a ton of sketches I need to fine tune... She was literally the best teacher ever!

Visit Tascha's blog here.

224/365

MY VERY OWN KONG!
I got Lily her first Kong today - or Bong as The Dad calls it.

Now she doesn't have to steal from her unsuspecting, very nice Doberman friend anymore. She was pretty excited!

There are a lot of freaky concoctions you can fill it with listed on their website... not sure I'm up for some of those combos but we'll see... I just bought the hard treats for now. I'm not sure if I should have gone up a size for the Kong so we'll have to test it out for awhile...

Kong's tag line is "You're dog will love you for it."  I think they are right. She seemed pretty pleased with it. ;-)

Though, soon after her treat was gone she jumped on the bed and cried for her bone.

223/365

TOT - TEN ON TUESDAY (random thoughts)

1. MAN DOWN!!! Lily loves playing with the big pug Sharon and Carey got me. She played with it for about 45 minutes last night.  By played I mean barked at and pushed over. She's very confused as to why that thing doesn't chase her around the dining room table.  That's all she wants it to do.

2. I didn't know Marvin Hamlisch was the youngest person accepted by The Julliard School at age 7... He also had 3 Oscars, 4 Emmys, 4 Grammys, a Tony, a Pulitzer and 2 Golden Globes. Bravo, Mr. Hamlisch.

3. Cara and I went to Aunt Gloria's to fix her pills on Sunday. On our way to breakfast I saw this out of the corner of my eye...

Glo just thought it was a lady, Cara immediately profiled him and said he probably smelled because of  his dreadlocks and, at first glance, I was just hoping it was Adam Duritz lost after his show and he and I and his big giant rain stick could run off into the sunset... We were all wrong. Well, I can't guarantee he didn't smell. 

4. Do you remember the book Simple Abundance?  It just came to me in a dream this morning. That seems like a billion years ago. I woke up and ran in the other room and got it and brought it in bed with me.  That was it - that was the dream. 

5. Lily is super bored. I don't know what to do with her. I gave her a (rawhide) bone in DCL but I've been resisting and I'm out anyway... she's goes crazy with it. I may try a Kong??? She snatched Sabrina's away from her so maybe she'll like it... The rubber kind of freaks me out though. I found her in my bed whimpering at the desk where I keep her bone. How do other single mothers manage their high maintenance "children?"  Look at her poor face. I can't keep up with her! This is her bored / please just make a bone magically appear face.


6. I came across this picture recently. I loved the birds that would come to Dixon House... these are two of my favorites.


7. My blood pressure was too high today... 142/101.  They were concerned. It's been high for awhile - higher than that. The only time it seemed to be ok was with Tighe...I'm wondering if all that acupuncture kept it in check. I really need to see her but with all these medical expenses I don't know if I can. Next stop - heart attack?

8. Check out this website and story and give if you can... love front porch.


9. I'm not a big fan of pizza unless it's what I call "school" pizza like from a craft show (which I know is weird) or Mineos but I've been seeing the pizza at the hospital and had to get it... it was terrible.  I actually threw it away after one bite.  Side note: Do you blot your pizza? I always do.

10. That elephant in the Eat N Park parking lot?!? Turns out it was a tribute to the elephant breeding ranch in Somerset County. Thanks, Roadside America.

222/365

...AND IN BETWEEN THE MOON AND YOU THE ANGELS GET A BETTER VIEW OF THE CRUMBLING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WRONG AND RIGHT...

221/365

HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW?

I have a little box I made...

Every time I see the trailer for The Odd Life of Timothy Green I think about it. It was our version of this...

This isn't the first time Disney touched on infertility and loss - most recently with the opening montage in the movie UP... it's not a new concept, really - it's even in old fairy tales nicely explained here.

People have been very vocal on a lot of IF blogs about this and I've read a lot of unfavorable things about making light of this... burying your dreams and then impossible magic happens because you planted your dream child...

I don't know - I think there's something lovely and symbolic about it...  I'm still not sure I'm going to see it. I don't know yet. It's not because I think it's unrealistic... I'm a fan of impossible magic. Honestly, it's because I never got to bury my box with my husband...just saying.

If you could write wishes and plant them in your garden... what would you want to grow?

220/365

FEARFUL
I couldn't sleep last night... I got home pretty late after Chrissy and I were out all day and night... we had lunch and dinner (with dessert each time) so maybe I was just on a sugar high but I had no interest in going to bed. FYI -  I'm not supposed to lose or gain weight in the next coming weeks so I better rethink the desserts at every meal thing.  ;-)

Anyway, I was up even later watching Tascha's class and Lily was a nervous wreck... wanting to be held, going from room to room, crying for her bone, trying to lick me...  I finally gave up and went to bed.  It didn't get much better - she kept going to the end of the bed and whimpering and then would jump down and go to the living room... I thought she wanted a drink but she just sat there. I don't know if she was looking for David or she just couldn't get comfortable.  This happened a couple times and finally she gave up on me and went in with The Dad.

I tried to go to sleep but every time I did I heard a strange noise or just felt somehting weird.  I finally fell asleep and woke up in a panic over this dream...

It was my birthday - we were in this interesting building with a loft in a big town somewhere - not sure where. There were people there I couldn't make out in the darkness...  I did see Lizzie's friend Aubrey  and Carey and JoAnn - a girl I went to school with... never saw her face but she was sitting on a windowsill looking out - kind of rocking back and forth and shaking her head...Everyone took all my presents - they would ask - can I have this?  Then they would put them in their bags/purses. They ate my cupcakes too. Then the lights went out and there was all kinds of chaos going on ... everyone running - being chased by something but I never saw what/who it was.  The lights went out and I heard this big giant BOOM - almost like a cannon going off but probably a gun shot -which I'm not entirely sure didn't really happen. I hear things on the hill at night in the back yard... After the boom, the lights came on and there was a loud scream.  We all went running from wherever we were hiding back into the cupcake room and I could hear each person scream as they went in... still with JoAnn rocking back and forth on the windowsill... I hesitated for a minute and then I walked into the room and I woke up.

I've been having nightmares every night for the last few nights... I know when you are pregnant your dreams are more vivid from the changes in hormone levels... not sure if radiation has anything to do with that... I searched but couldn't find anything.

I'm starting to get more afraid of the dark, though.

219/365

YOU NEVER KNOW HOW STRONG YOU ARE UNTIL BEING STRONG IS THE ONLY CHOICE YOU HAVE

David came over today to get the tent for Sheri's son's graduation party... he cleaned the Bud's face and told me to stay strong...

I'd be lying if I said this whole thing was easy... of course I miss the man that vowed to stay with me, among other things, through sickness and in health.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

I don't know about that.

218/365

ADVENTURE DOG
I missed this picture in the downloads... Here's Lily watching the fun at ASCI at Wisp... She hopped up on that rock and was ready to jump in...

She already has the life vest... I swear if she could have found a little doggy helmet and oar she would have been right there in the water!

There's other fun stuff too at Wisp/ASCI.. I wanted to do the zip line but I wasn't sure my arm could take it! They have segways and geocaching and rock climbing and hiking, etc... Terry did the Mountain Buggy and I kind of wish I did it now... I wonder if they will let me take Lily on as a passenger next time?!?  She's used to wearing a seat belt in the car. ;-)

If you don't know about this place check them out here...
ASCI - Adventure Sports Center International and Wisp Resort .

217/365

EVERYTHING BUT THE CRIB
I heard through the grapevine that there would be something in the mail when I got home... Word on the street was the new IKEA catalog was out! It may be a little weird that I get such joy out of that but I do. One of my many quirks, I guess.  I've always had a special fondness for that place... so did my Mother - she was a big fan from many, many years ago.  It must be genetic.

I actually kept the last few catalogs... I can't seem to get rid of them. Hoarding tendencies aside, there's a reason for it.  Out of the ones I kept,  the first is from 2006... which was the first pregnancy.  I have every one after that... and all have the pages with the cribs marked in one way or another.

I always debated on them because I was a Little Miss Liberty fan but I have a few pieces from IKEA, still at DH, that I carved and painted (sticks style) which were meant for a nursery. One of the pieces (always being hopeful) with the optional changing table accessories bought for it...

They were well thought out, personal and perfect for what would have been a very wanted addition.  Instead, in the armoire are photos and boxes with every ovulation and pregnancy test, cards and notes, hospital bands, etc...

This was to go on the crib:

I'm not going to lie - the morning of the third miscarriage, the same day he left,  is still a lot to handle.  If it wasn't maybe this would be easier...  and maybe I could throw those old catalogs away.