120/365

THERE IS NO I IN QUALITY
Lizzie went on a bike ride awhile ago to Takoma Park... she thought we would like the town and suggested we stay there the next time we visited her.  There weren't many hotels listed so we took a deep breath and decided to just go with the Quality Inn. I know... no room service, no lounge area with revolving tv, no bellman or valet. There was a 24 hour IHOP right next door so we figured if the room was that bad we could just eat pancakes all night. I mean how bad could it be?

We checked in and were cracking up...  Let me tell you - there is no I in Quality! Seriously... look at the sign!

The "I" is missing! The next night when our keys didn't work we went back and the "I" was still missing so I had to snap this pic... the menacing looking backpack and that dude's ass are a bonus! You're welcome.

The room actually wasn't too bad... we had a microwave and a refrigerator and table and chairs... We were totally ballin. You kind of had to step in the tub to close the bathroom door but no biggie. ;-) It was reminiscent of the La Quinta stays before the beach - they had the waffle machines and everything... We did take Glo's door thing just in case we needed some extra protection.

The beds were surprisingly comfy and their literature noted that they had 200 thread count sheets!!!  Do they even make less than that?!? ;-)  When we left, I was packing the car and chrissy went to check out. She came out of the lobby laughing hysterically.  She said you're not going to believe this - the Q is gone now!   I went back to take a picture but the girl put it back up!

More on Takoma Park and the wisdom road trip tomorrow...

119/365

WELCOME BACK TO TOWN

I got a call this afternoon that there was an incident with Aunt Gloira... A women must have wheeled herself into Glo's room and told her she had to pee... Glo got mad and started yelling at her that she was in the wrong room... This happens quite often.  All the rooms pretty much look the same and a lot of the residents get a little confused. Glo thinks everyone is in there to do harm and gets really mad when someone screws up and comes in. The other day I had to get her next door neighbor out - he kept accusing her of getting in his bed... When she was on a different floor a man kept creeping into rooms and she said he was hovering over her while she was sleeping.  I'm sure that was creepy.  She kept saying that he was in there to rape her. I think he just got lost. Anyway, I guess she kept going to the nurses station today and told them how mad she was over this lady coming in and that her roommate keeps her up because she calls the nurses all the time. She said she hates it there and wants to leave and that she just wants to "go hang herself."  Yes. Go. Hang. Herself. Apparently, she said this right when a surveyor from the Department of Health was walking down the hall doing an assessment for something else!!!  Sooooooo - they had to call the re:solve crisis network to bring a team in... and guess who is on a 24 hour suicide watch?!?!?  Yep, The Glo-worm.  The nurses know it was her dry sense of humor but still... They have to go in every 30 minutes and check her mood and behavior. I should have just stayed with Lizzie.

118/365

I MISSED THE SNUGGLE BUD
DC photos later... going to snuggle with the lily bud.

117/365

LITTLE PINK HOUSES FOR YOU AND ME
Dear Universe... I want this house.  XO ~ J

116/365

ICE ICE BABY

115/365

CHEERS... TO WISDOM
Basil lemonade... My new favorite drink.

114/365

NONE IN THE OVEN
It's National Infertility Awareness Week... though for me (and so many others) it's an everyday event - not just a week of awareness...

These pills are still making me sick and I was throwing up all night last night. Lily and I were back and forth from the bed to the living room... finally, around 4 am, I carried her back into bed and it kind of struck me that this is as good as it's going to get... there isn't going to be a baby or a crib and honestly, at this point, I can't see an adoption happening any time soon.

I can't say I'm at peace with that yet... I know it is something that I will carry with me, in one way or another, until the day I die.

I still think about the lunches I'll never make and the PTA meetings I'll never go to... the birthday treats I'll never package up and never hearing my own kid call me mom.

I'm in a bit of a rush so here's a link to a post from a few years ago with one of my favorite poems regarding the situation and some photos of the women in my life. My thoughts are the same today as they were then so I'm not going to recreate the wheel on this topic.

Visit Resolve - the National Infertility Association for more information on infertility.

113/365

YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THIS...

There is a thing with social media and the internet I find fascinating... everyone has their soap box.  Their forum to speak. How many times have you seen a post from some random girl you went to high school with having yet another fight with her boyfriend??  They break up and you get another song lyric pop up on your wall from her...

I mean - whatever - if that's the boost of confidence one needs to get through their day than ok.  

I'm big on quotes...on this blog - which I might add - people have to choose to come to... on my Pinterest... in things I paint. Don't get me wrong, words are powerful and inspiring and healing... I want to be more than a collection of quotes, though... to actually embrace and speak and live my own words. 

I don't know...

We can scream from the rooftops or anywhere else...if you don't live what you say and let those around you do the same... what good is it?

112/365

PEACE ON EARTH

Those that contemplate the beauty of the Earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts. There is something infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature -- the assurance that dawn comes after night, and spring after winter.  ~ Rachel Carson, Silent Spring

111/365

AND THE PUG RAN AWAY WITH THE BRUSH
Loving these paints from Claudine! I've had them since they first came out and never used them... Lily thought it was fun to run around in the yard with paint brushes she would steal out of my bag.

110/365

YOU GOT TO KNOW WHEN TO HOLD 'EM... KNOW WHEN TO FOLD 'EM
We walked into Glo's yesterday and we got the usual greeting - I'm so glad you girls are here - I hate it here - can you get  me out of here. Morning, noon or night... she's usually in the dark. No tv on... no lights... just sitting there waiting for the medication cart to come.  Her roommate is really nice but she sleeps a lot - like all the time. There are a couple ladies down the hall that she kind of made friends with but she's still not that social or interested in doing any of the activities.  We were talking and she asked what we were doing and if she could just come with us... she said she wanted to get out of there for awhile so we thought we could take her to get ice cream or something... I went down to the nurses and cleared everything with them... Five minutes later I got back to the room and told her to get dressed - she's always in capri pants so I told her she needed to put long pants on.  She said she didn't want to go anywhere now because it was too windy. We're starting to think she's just saying she wants out when she really doesn't and she's just, basically, saying it to say it... I think she thinks she's going to get in trouble if she's not there too... We took her down to the big room on the first floor and played cards for a little while instead of going anywhere... I think she liked the change of scenery but you can tell she was anxious to get back up to the room. I know it can't be easy... living in close quarters... most of your belongings are gone.. grieving for the life you once had.  Wait. Mmmm. Nevermind. Sometimes I think I would enjoy the routine and structure and do you know - you could get mashed potatoes every day if you want to? Every. Friggin. Day.  Sounds pretty good to me. ;-)

109/365

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

108/365

HERE'S THE DEAL
I loved my husband and never wanted a divorce... we didn't have a perfect relationship... we didn't have a bad one. There's not much more to say. Shortly before he walked out on us, though, we discussed a lot of things - about moving forward... being better than ever.  With Mum's death and the third miscarriage (just weeks after we discussed the future we wanted) - things changed for him.  I assume.  Ask him why he left.  The text messages and emotional affair with Jen and the professed love for Sheri and everything else that came to the surface changed things for me.... During this whole time, though, there was one thing that never changed. There was one thing that I wanted.  I wanted him to acknowledge what I was saying. Right, Pat?

He didn't.  It was all about him... no concern or compassion for anyone else. So much for letting people be who they are... for empowering them and letting them be empowered...  for not judging... Come on.   Maybe I threatened him. I think strong women intimidate him. He always liked the ones he thought he could rescue and well, I've said it before - I ain't no damsel in distress.  In fact, that's the one thing that Pat said was the problem. He resented me for knowing who I was. For speaking up for myself - speaking my truth.

I'm not going to put up with being told I "sat on my ass for a year" and didn't sign the separation agreement. He didn't pursue it either - this past year or the two years prior. That's one part of the equation that needs to be addressed. If he says it was because of my health situation that's bullshit. The last time we met I asked him why he rarely even asked how I was.  That even an old classmate or a person you don't know well - let alone someone you've spent half your life with - you would ask how they are doing if you knew they were dealing with cancer the past year... he said because when he did I would tell him I wasn't feeling good. Well, yeah.  Sometimes reality isn't filled with rainbows and unicorns! Maybe I'll lie so you'll feel better. Seriously?!

My husband has either ignored me or harassed me as of late - when HE was ready to do it.  Often weeks - even months - would go by in between conversations... it was all what he wanted with no regard for anything I asked for.  I don't have time to go into any more right now... I''m just saying -  I'm not going to apologize to anyone about contacting a lawyer. I have and had every right to do so and, honestly, anyone that is reading this - can you honestly say YOU wouldn't have???

I need to get this off my plate.  I just want everything to be right and I'm not capable of deciding what that should be. This isn't going to be easy. I know it's the right thing to do.  I'm not going to pretend to know the law or what is fair and think we should leave that up to the professionals. I'm also done being ignored and done being bullied. I wish the only thing on my plate was waiting for the DMB tickets to go on sale or picking out a nice bottle of cabernet sauvignon or convincing myself it's right to not pay my obligations.  I have real world problems and life to deal with... my family, my dog, my health...

Thanks for the advice, David, about being a "big girl." I'll take that into consideration. I think you're the one, though, that has some growing up to do.

107/365

GRAPES OF WRATH
Thats kind of a funny post title now that I think about it... anyway, when my mother was having chemo, etc... and really sick the one thing she loved was frozen grapes. They've been my BFF lately. Yum-yum.

106/365

THEY SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY
If you ask The Glo-worm when her birthday is she always says April 16, 1928 but she really didn't know it was "today." She seemed a little surprised that we were there to go to lunch.  We got there and she told me to write how old she was inside one of her cards so she would remember.

We opened gifts before we left. Out of all the gifts she opened she started crying when she looked in this bag.

This bear was inside... I took a little video - watch here.

Five years ago RoseBud collapsed in my arms on Glo's birthday.  We were having a big party for her 80th birthday a few days later.  She didn't mention that today but she always used to.... that little bugger died on my birthday!  Anyway, these bears were her centerpieces for her party tables...  when we were packing up her things from her apartment I kept this one out to give to her today.  She didn't remember it from the party. She's been saying that she hasn't been able to cry - for years.  I'm not sure what made her cry today when she saw it. She couldn't really explain.

I've been asking her for weeks where she wanted to go to lunch... All I knew was she didn't want pasta!  I asked if she wanted Chinese - she said she's never had Chinese food before (she has) or if she wanted a hamburger from Burgatory - she said she likes hamburgers but hasn't been there (we've been there a zillion times!) Then she said she wanted to go where she got those crab cakes so we went to Walnut Grill.  We were there after an appointment awhile back and she kept asking for more like she was in a crab cake eating contest!  She ordered two right off the bat today... This was her I'm so excited it's my birthday and I'm eating crab cakes face! ;-)

We were going to go to Glen's for ice cream but they brought her a pecan ball after lunch so we skipped it...

We probably should have skipped the baby pies at Oakmont Bakery too!

We got back to her room and someone (not sure who) tied a balloon to her chair.  Whether you remember it's your birthday or not I guess they're good words to live by... it's not the years in your life - it's the life in your years!  Who's counting?!?  Happy Birthday Glo!

105/365

DEATH AND TAXES

I didn't even know about the marathon bombing until The Dad came home... I was consumed in last minute tax stuff which proved more difficult than I thought (thanks to a certain someone who shall remain nameless.)  I turned on the television and finally got a visual of what was going on... I can't say I was shocked... I'm always slightly concerned when it comes to important days or high profile events... I always hated flying anywhere on a holiday for fear and anticipation of what the headlines would read if the plane went down. There's no denying that this was a horrible day for so many when it should have been one of the most joyful marking a great accomplishment for themselves or their friends and family. What I loved about the footage was seeing all the people (some just ordinary people) that were running towards the ones that were hurt and the fences being torn down to get to them... not knowing if a third, fourth, fifth... bomb would go off at any moment. I know there were reports of runners that kept running to get to the hospital to give blood... people taking off their belts to use as tourniquets... And those flags... was anyone else taken by those flags all blowing in the wind? This isn't a new method of evil to some and, I'll be honest, I'm afraid there will be more events like this everywhere. What would you do if you were in the middle of this chaos?  Would you run away from it or towards it?

104/365

THEY'LL ALWAYS BE DAVEY EGGS TO ME
Cara told me the other day that she hopes I don't kill Lily in the middle of the night while I'm going off this medicine so now I'm paranoid and feel like I should be in solitary confinement for a little bit... I went in the kitchen to make coffee and decided I wanted eggs and toast...and then I cried because I'm never going to have a baby shower or pack school lunches. I think my mind might be a little scrambled. Ba dum tss.

103/365

EYES WIDE OPEN

102/365

KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF
Glo can't seem to figure out what's up with her socks... she doesn't realize the gripper socks are for when she does NOT have shoes on... so 9 times out of 10 she usually looks like this - socks, grippers, shoes!

I haven't been able to make it up there because I've been feeling so sick and still don't have the car back so she's been calling me from the nurses station... she refuses to have a phone of her own so that's the only option. When she wants me she has to have the nurse call.  Anyway, she asked if I was coming up and said if I wasn't she was going to bingo! She was a winner...

The "gift shop" is actually a glass doored cabinet in the lobby that sells candy and other junk. She usually doesn't go to the activities because she said they are just full of old people in their carts (wheelchairs) and they all have weird expressions on their faces.

I forgot that the monthly birthday party was this week.  She told me they came to the room and got her and they were introduced by birth date and then they had soft drinks and cake.  She said the cake was good but she was surprised because she didn't realize it was her birthday. She said she thought it was Christmas soon.

101/365

BUZZ KILL
I had this really strange sensation in my head... I was by myself downstairs and the first thing I thought was I'm glad I showed Cara and Debbie where my funeral file was on the computer the other day because I really thought my head was going to explode and I was going to die.  I didn't know if it was a blood clot or what... I googled it (of course) and figured out it was kind of normal...  I didn't have my phone with me to take a selfie but this is kind of what I looked like. ;-)

100/365

YOU'VE HAD THE POWER ALL ALONG, MY DEAR...

I think I will always wish we could have lived happily ever after together... at least for awhile.

It's time to be done now.

Thanks for the memories, David.

♥J

99/365

SOMEBODY KILL ME

98/365

2 UP
Went to visit The Glo-worm yesterday and she said watch this...  She chugs her Ensure.

97/365

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS
I was a Wild Card junkie - a local card store at Penn State. I think I talked about it before - they had an adults only / over 21 section there my Mom was quite fond of... I remember her and Sharon buying some novelties there when they would visit... I'm sure there's still a bag of penis shaped pasta somewhere in this house!  That's why it wasn't a shock to find this when I was cleaning out The Dad's armoire.

I found all kinds of stuff in there including these guys...

I was never a big fan of those things and am wondering why I even bought them... Maybe it's because of what they say -  look at the back of the shirt. It says LOINS not lions!  WTF?  It would make sense if they were from the adult only section at the card store but there's a PSU bookstore tag on them! ;-) I don't remember now if I knew they were spelled wrong! I heart the Nittany LOINS!

To rebut all the dirty merchandise in the armoire I found a couple boxes of rosary beads...

 ... as well as multiple items blessed by the Pope - all kinds of healing oils and prayers... The wife of my dad's friend was always back and forth to Italy and would bring us stuff back...

Then it started getting creepy... My hair that was cut when I got my Dorothy Hamill hair cut...

... my baby teeth!

A 20 year old bottle of Marijuana Pills...

If that's not a hodge-podge of treasures I don't know what is!

96/365

IT SHOULD SAY FRUSTRATED PARKING ONLY
I had a zillion things to do yesterday... I had an appointment and got there fine... when I got back in the car it wouldn't start.  Well, it wouldn't stay on!  I called AAA and waited for them and for Chrissy to get out of the damn woods with Robin... nice day to go hiking be-otch. ;-)

The tow truck driver wasn't the nicest guy in the world... we noticed he was going the wrong way... thought he was going for coffee but turns out he just made a wrong turn. He was slightly reckless going over all the curbs.

He finally did turn around and we ended up behind him cracking up... I have a bunch of photos of things that are going to fall off the back of a truck and come through the windshield and kill me and now I have this one!

95/365

WINNER WINNER (GENERAL TSO'S) CHICKEN DINNER
We had the first planning meeting for Janel's graduation party... we've been planning this planning meeting for awhile and knew The General would be present.

I never even got a picture... George requested Cara-misu for dessert and I only got a picture of that when it was half gone.  The deliciousness of everything got the best of us!

We had the Cake Boss cake The Dad got in town... It was actually better than I thought it was going to be.  I've paid $6.00 + a slice for bad chocolate cake in a restaurant.  I would have been happy if I got this for dessert somewhere.  It was just ordinary though... nothing special but good enough. You could fancy it up with some berries, etc... There's still half of it downstairs that will have to be thrown away so it obviously wasn't that great. I probably wouldn't buy it - not because of the price - just because there are other cakes that I'm more impressed with.

94/365

THE SHADOW KNOWS
One of the instagram photo prompts today was silhouette... there's one silhouette picture that always comes to mind...

It really is lovely. It was used for RoseBud's memorial card.  I debated on posting the original but it didn't feel right.  David doesn't deserve to be in it anymore.  It was an easy crop...
I hope every time he goes on a hike or sees a rosebud or a pug he thinks about that last hike she was on... If he didn't force her to go on when she clearly wanted to stop she never would have died when she did.

I wonder if that's why he hates Lily as much as he seems to.  When we last met he didn't even ask about her.  He abandoned her just as much as he did me. I guess that's what you do when being "self centered" is your main objective. Job well done with that.

Love the Buds.

93/365

JUST DO IT
We planned for a Magical and Majestic March but it didn't happen.  The dedication wasn't there and there was just too much going on... currently going for an Awesome and Amazing April. Who's in?

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