The Wishing Star Blog: 129/365

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

Me and my Mother. Maid of the Mist - Niagara Falls, Canada

All of the mothers in my life are gone now - my own, my mother-in-law, my grandmothers... Needless to say, Mother's Day isn't one of my favorite holidays... I thought this year would be different. I thought I'd be trying to squeeze my belly into a cute little dress today while I was getting ready to go to brunch. That didn't work out how I thought. Instead, I'm right where I have been (actually worse, I guess.) Still...

A MOM WANNABE - poem by Alison Kathleen Whitney

I want to be a Mom. But I can't. Instead, I am a Mom Wannabe.

I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child, naturally, with my
husband, in the privacy of our home, in the spirit of love and passion,
in the way God intended. But I can't.

I want to discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a
pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see a + sign. I want to cry
tears of joy for the news we'd discovered. But I can't. Instead, I cry
tears of pain at random, for no reason and with no warning.

I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire. I want the "pregnant glow." I want to have my husband talk to my belly. But I can't. Instead, I try not to look pregnant. I don't buy clearance clothes for next year, "just in case". I try to keep my emotions from going haywire.

I want to take prenatal vitamins. I want to eat for two. I want to schedule my first doctor's visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I can't. Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving. I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I've never met.

I want to hear the doctor say "You're Pregnant. Your progress is right on schedule." But I can't. I want to surprise my parents with a new grandchild. I want to tell my friends and family our good news. I want my life to change overnight. I want to read "What to Expect When You're Expecting." But I can't. Instead, I have no news to tell. I realize my life hasn't changed in years. I read "When Empty Arms become a Heavy Burden".

I want to monitor the progress. I want to see ultrasounds. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the kicks, but I can't. I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to shop at Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby's future. Instead, I imagine a crib in an empty room down the hall. I avoid baby stores in the mall. We spend our money on doctor's appointments, tests and high-tech procedures. We spend our money on a dream. We are left with an empty bank account. We are left with empty arms.

I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But I can't. Instead, I watch my friends get pregnant quickly. I watch their bellies grow, attend their showers, see their pictures and try to be a good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in front of my eyes.

I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions. I want an epidural. I want my husband by my side and my family in the waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the cry. But I can't. Instead, I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry. Yes, I even hear the cry of my husband which hurts more than I had ever imagined.

I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces. I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking "We did it," but knowing that God did it. But I can't. Instead, I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wondering what God's plan is for us and why we have to go through this.

I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope this time He answers. I pray for the miracle of life that only God can give. I pray that someday soon He will give it to us.

I want to be a mom, but I can't. Instead, I am right where God wants me to be: thankful for our blessings, searching out His will, basking in His grace, trusting in His perfect plan, praying for a change in status... From a mom wannabe, to the mom I WANT to be.

Me and Mummy: I remember my mother sitting on the kitchen floor playing jacks and playing with my Barbies and baby dolls. I liked my stuffed animals better than the dolls. ;-) She was always having fun (I didn't take after her too much with that, I guess!) This is one of my favorite pictures of us. Circa 1976-1977, I think. It's in Kennywood on The Whip - she loved that ride!

Me and Mum: I remember any time we would have an event at her house (dinner, holiday, etc...) she always said she never had to tell me what to do - I just jumped in and helped and she knew it would be just like she wanted it. A lot of what I "do" when it comes to parties and things like that, I learned from her.

Me and Little Munaw: (My Dad's Mom...) I remember going down the house with all my cousins and all the fun we had down there together. There was always lots of food on the table and lots of love around it. I can still see her sitting on the porch and taking money out of her cleavage and giving me a little something. I think I got my love of leopard from her. ;-)

Me and Grandma: (My Mom's Mom...) She lived with us from the day I was born. She would hide under the dining room table during thunderstorms because it reminded her of an earthquake in Italy when she was little - she told me the ground opened up and her pet pigs on the farm fell into the ground. I wonder if that's why I like pigs so much? ;-) She would watch me on Saturday nights when my parents went out and sing and talk to me in Italian.