LET THERE BE LIGHT
I don't know if at least two of the three light bulbs in the dining room fixture have been out for awhile but all of a sudden all three were out.  I didn't really realize how dark it made everything when it wasn't on.  The Dad has been home so I was worried about that and him not being able to see and falling over something and I kept saying I would get to it... I was either working or exhausted or really sick and dizzy from these new meds that I couldn't even think about going to get a ladder to change the bulbs.  When I did - we didn't have the right bulbs anyway.

It didn't really matter because when they blew out - you know what The Dad said?!   That's ok - Chrissy will change them for me next time she comes over.

Really? I can change a damn lightbulb!  ;-)  She's his go to girl when he has a computer or internet or cable question.  We laugh about it all the time.  I did get a fist bump when I replaced the bulbs so I guess he knows that I do have some skills.

BLACK FRIDAY
I was never really a big Black Friday shopper - you're not going to find me waiting in line in the wee hours of the morn.  I think I did that once - for a wii or something for it.  We went with Aunt Gloria once awhile back too and all said never again!  I  got a text last week from Lizzie asking if we were still on for our annual early afternoon non - crazy shopping. We didn't really have a plan... no one had anything in particular they were looking for.  Ended up at our usuals... South Side... some of the little stores and the craft stuff... I'm really far behind this holiday season - I don't have a list or anything... just a few things in my amazon cart.  I thought of something on our Sur la Table stop... one of my favorite kitchen things from my married past.

(The reason for the dramatic photo is because all the light bulbs have been out in the dining room fixture for the last few days and I've been using our lanterns... more tomorrow about that.)

CATSGIVING
My Dad keeps saying he wants a cat and a Great Dane in addition to his Italian Greyhound he's always wanted. He's really been on the cat bandwagon. Unless Grumpy Cat is looking for a new home - I don't think that's going to happen.  We get our cat fix at The Knapp's.

It's not that I don't like cats - I kind of do - not sure I like them walking all over everything... I know that they are always pleasant and lovable... ;-)

I'm not sure how Lily would handle having a cat sister... she torments these poor kitty cats (and Sabrina) and just wants to chase them and play with them. I think she would like their toys, though.

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving!  We had another delicious dinner with good friends and furry creatures... and turkey butter - of course.

BACK IN THE DAY

Remember these photos?  Those sepia boy and girl ones from the 90s.. kids on railroad tracks with suitcases... little ones at the beach... I have a bazillion cards and things with those kinds of photos on them.  I went to St. Vincent's and this was there for $4.99. I was so going to buy it. This one was always my favorite.

LIGHT IT UP
My boss and I were in charge of putting lights up all around the building.

STORAGE WARS
Had to make up some storage time... I met Chrissy and we built this shelf and added it to the one unit.

I don't know why but it took us way longer than it should have.  Part of me feels like locking them up and throwing away the keys and never going back.  It's so depressing and irritating having your things somewhere else.  Save the "it's only stuff" routine - I'm over that.  You all know how I feel.  At this point I don't think I'm ever going to get down to one unit.  We made a big mistake by putting all the garage stuff in the game room.  It literally takes my breath away when I see everything in there. I feel like I'm drowning.  I actually thought about getting another (little) unit just to put that stuff in it for a short time. I don't know what to do. It's not fair to my dad to have to live in this chaos either.  That really bothers me. Every time I close the door on the units my heart breaks a little more.

HOME COOKING
I was off this weekend, thankfully.  I should have gotten something done or paid bills or did laundry or slept or something... what did I do?  I had a Friday.  On Saturday.  Just a small one.  I made chili stuffed peppers and mashed potatoes and a Caesar salad.  Pretty simple. No chaos.  I had everything ready before anyone got here AND the whole kitchen was clean!  Nothing in the sink!

Anyway,  I was thinking about something... My mother died when I was 23 and I was away at college before that so I really got most of my entertaining know-how from my mother-in-law.  I still question which ham I'm supposed to get when I go to the store - the one with the point or not??? And every time I make a pork roast I want to call her up...My mom had her special things too - beefaroni, beef stew, the potatoes on the grill, that chicken with the cheese and bacon that no one can remember how she made it!

I remember all those Christmas dinners and other get togethers when my MIL would have some side dishes prepared in advance and heat them...I never mastered that - that's why I'm always scrambling. I still don't know how she ever did everything with that little oven!  I made the mashed potatoes a little before and as I covered them I thought to myself... look at me - I'm just like Mum.  She probably would have had saran wrap on them, though. ;-)

WAITING FOR DEPARTURE
Does the Universe just not want me to get storage done?  I talked to the doctor yesterday and he said The Dad probably won't be discharged until Friday or even Monday so (on my day off) we were going to go to storage today...  then I get the call that he can go.  Yay... and Damn.   Waiting to leave...

ALL BY MYSELF
I made stuffed shells at 10 o'clock at night.  There's something kind of nice about being by yourself.  You can have dinner whenever you want to... You can leave things laying around and they aren't going to be in the way of anyone but yourself... I can see the appeal of this.   It's nice to have someone to say goodnight too - it's also nice to be alone.  Either way, I still have to take care of the dog - who in these last few days (while I had to work and was at the hospital) only went potty in the house once. Sorry, pup. I think she is confused as to why The Dad isn't around... Her allergies are bad again, too. I hate leaving her alone. She wouldn't leave my side when I got back. We snuggled on the couch after dinner and caught up on New Girl and The Mindy Project.

DISORDERLY CONDUCT
Well all the nurses are loving The Dad.  It's known as the fun room and they are coming in and hanging out.  They brought him a laptop so he could play solitaire...  If he's not on the phone talking to all his peeps...

...he's getting a little rowdy with his company.

We are so loud.  So very loud. ;-)

VISITING HOURS
So I signed the Bud up to pay a little visit.

Follow the light puppy dog... it's the last room on the left.

She was happy to see him.

She makes herself at home no matter where she is...

She is a little kissing machine...

Here she is giving high cinques!

I bet I have more pics of my dogs peeing than anyone...

DRINKING PROBLEM
I have a problem. I can't just have one drink.

I also have another problem. I always have to have my phone charger on me at all times. I have this irrational fear that I will be somewhere in a hostage situation and my phone dies.  I don't really care about the phone or talking to anyone I'm just really concerned I'm not going to have the camera capabilities!  Why I think my captors would let me charge my phone anyway is beyond me. ;-)

ONE AND ONLY
So, I was up for 23+ hours... I was so tired the night before last that I just kind of passed out - I got up at 6 am yesterday morning so I could wash my hair and get ready for my onc appointment... little did I know I would be up in the ER all night.

After going to storage and loading and unloading everything I had a giant hematoma at my injection site. I was so uncomfortable from the shot that all I wanted to do was get in another bed. To make matters worse, they said this was the first time it ever happened, but around midnight the server went down in the hospital... so they couldn't do ANYTHING - they moved some people to other facilities and everyone was just stuck... I knew he was being admitted but didn't know when - hour by hour went by. The server didn't come on until 4 am!  By the time we got up to the room and they did the assessment, I ended up leaving the hospital at 5 am.

I was texting everyone what was going on so that was the only thing that kept me up.  Carey said she had a dream about my Mother...

Pretty weird.

It's also weird that the day before this all happened I had a long conversation with Needle about it.  It was like I knew something was going to go down. I told him that I finally realized - on my birthday -  that The Dad was getting old.  He was having a hard time getting down the steps at Cara's house and it just struck me funny... I think that's one of the only things that gets a little tricky with being an only child.  Everything falls on you. I questioned how I would handle it - if something happened. Though I should of known I would be perfectly ok.  It's hard though - especially when you're not feeling well yourself.

DOWN GOES THE DAD
I had an appointment with my medical oncologist today... the appointment was early (first time slot) and I still ended up waiting three hours! Again, as usual, I was the only one there in the waiting room by myself.  Don't get me wrong I'm not 100% opposed to that  - I just think it's kind of funny.  There are all different people there - those waiting for a consult for their treatment plan, those getting chemo, ones just visiting the doctor for followup... There had to be 10 patients in there already by the time I got there at 9 am.  Everyone had one, two, three, even four people with them - just along for the ride.  Or giving them a ride or just there to support them and go to lunch after. ;-)

Then there was me.

An older lady went back to get her vitals taken and left her friend or sister or whoever she brought sitting next to me.  She looked over and asked who I was there with... who I was waiting for.  I told her I was actually the patient and she made a big fuss asking why I came by myself.  Out of all the people that I could have sat next to I questioned why I actually sat by her.

They brought me back to the patient rooms and this was my view for the next 2 1/2 hours.

After the appointment, I met Chrissy at Mohan's for lunch and then we went to The Dad's - we got everything out of the garage... loaded it into both cars, put everything else in the gameroom and threw some stuff away... Still can't get to the work bench and don't look in the gameroom  but we did it!

The Dad came home and seemed ok... He gave Chrissy a hug and told her she was a fucking genius (a term he fondly used for her brother) and he went up to get changed. I put the car in the garage... which to his defense - is harder than I thought it was - I think this was only the second time I did it.

We left to go to storage and he was getting changed in the bedroom... I told him I had some leftovers from lunch so if he wanted a snack to have that... When I called later, he said it was nasty.

It wasn't.

I called a couple more times through the night - between 4-7,  I guess... he told me to bring back a salad for him...

I got back to the house and he was back in the bedroom sitting on the chair trying to put his pants on... I asked if he was ok  - he bull dog grumbled something and blew me off. I thought it was a little weird that he was back where I left him...though he did tell me he went in to shave and got dizzy.

After about 20 minutes he went in the bathroom where he was for about the same amount of time... I was checking my email and I heard him come out of the bathroom and take a few steps and BOOM... I heard him fall to the ground -  by the time I got in the living room he was kind of rolling over on the floor asking how he got there.

I think the fucking giant teddy bear broke his fall... he must have fallen on it b/c all of the toys I went through to give to the orphan dogs were all over the place - they were on the teddy bear waiting to be bagged up.

Putting the pieces together that he seemed weird when I got back, the (what he called nasty) food was still on the dining room table and he just seemed a little out of it -  I told him to stay on the floor, stepped over him and called 911.

Those that know him well know one of his favorite sayings is "I'm going down."

Well, he did.

BREAK TIME

Lily in my office - taking a little break...

DUDE, WHERE'S MY LADDER?
The Dad keeps asking me where his ladder is.  He gave us a ladder - it says "Ron De" on it.  I really didn't know if it was in storage or not but when we were there last we couldn't find it so I guess DCD kept it.  I can't find it in the storage unit so I guess it was never brought over.  All he does is ask me where it is and where his tool bag is.  There was a lot of stuff that we never really got around dividing.  I had a list that was sent from my lawyer - stuff that we were supposed to go through and decide upon.  When we last met the wii was gone - and all my games - my dog one - everything!  And my wii/miis or whatever they were.  My lawyer said I could go after it - it was basically stolen.  He also said I could just go buy another one, too.  I didn't do either one of those options.  Still, even though it's been a long while since separation and a little bit since the actual divorce, there are still things that didn't go down properly. That will never sit right with me.  Never.

WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
I have a bunch of fabulous pug prints from Tascha.  I haven't framed them yet because I don't know where I want them to go.  When I see them in my head I actually see them in a different house.  Not here, not Dixon House but in a house we had looked at a very long time ago on Florida Avenue in Mt. Lebanon... it had a cute little nook with benches and a table and there was one wall that I see these pictures on.  I don't have that house so I know they have to go somewhere else but I still "see" them there for some odd reason.

Today would have been our 17th wedding anniversary.  I'm not sure when you stop counting the would have beens. I'm ok with it - I'm a numbers girl... I do the RoseBud would have been and babies would have been and my mom would have been... Why not? I mean if they were that important to you - why would you just brush them aside?

I was never that girl that dreamed about my wedding when I was younger though I think we planned and had a very good one... I guess I should be happy for what I had or thought I had for so many years because I truly had very little complaints - even up until the end.

I have this other print in the same bin of pug prints.  Not Tashca - it's from Danita. Everything is perfect about it... the colors and the odd little big eyed subjects and the hands stretched out to "home."  It's a bittersweet feeling when I see it because I love it so much yet when I see it I just see what would have been... and I still don't know where to put it.

THIS REALLY HAS TO STOP
I had an appointment with my radiation oncologist today...which meant I would be up bright eyed and bushy tailed and very close by to storage. So the plan was to get some breakfast and get to the job ahead of cleaning out the one unit. BUT... Roadman's was having their Holiday Open House so we thought we could go there for a bit... and maybe stop at a few other places along the way.

So, hello pancakes and friends...

Sorry I was too full to even eat you.  No offense. You know I love you.

A few of our stops...

I actually got some Christmas shopping started.  I'll probably lose everything in the house by the time December comes but still - it's a start.  And I found some lovely Halloween friends on sale... Yes, I'm the girl scavenging through the fall merch at all the Christmas open houses.

I found this lovely lady, below, hiding behind a bunch of things on the floor... at first I thought she didn't want to be found and then I thought she was just playing with me.  I took her out and threw back her cloak and knew I was hooked... She was half off but still a little pricey. I debated for a bit and then just said you're coming with me, girlfriend.

She was good with that.  Her fab style doesn't really shine through in the pic.  IRL she is stunning.

After all that shopping we had to have dinner...

...and somehow, I know it's hard to believe, we never made it to storage.  ;-(

BABY GET YOUR SHINE ON
My Mariana bracelet love all started with this purchase... a bracelet that I thought was so me - perfect colors, etc...  I think it was even $126.00 if I remember correctly. If you click on the link you can read my story on it. Cara ended up buying it off of me and gave it to her mother.  I hear she loves it and I'm so glad it went to a good home.  I have bought several other pieces since then and Chrissy got me a new bracelet for my birthday this year... turns out I have the same one! Well a similar one - my old one doesn't have the flowers so I actually like the one she got me better but it's the same family.  We were laughing saying that she obviously knows what I like...

We went back to exchange it and I had a bit of a hard time... first you have to rule out the opal-y ones... then any pearls... I'm not too crazy on black and white anything... plain crystals and ABs are too sparkly for me... I always gravitate to the warm topaz-y ones... My birthstone.  November holds my birthday and what was my wedding anniversary... RoseBud's birthday... Thanksgiving...  There was no other one to pick than this one. Plus I already had the matching earrings.  ;-)

SWEET AND SPOOKY
We had a birthday celebration Monday at work... my boss and coworkers that were there took me out to lunch for my birthday since she wasn't going to be there for my actual work lunch on Wednesday.  All the girls brought something and we had a really good time. I can't believe I didn't take any pictures of anything either day...  I even got a dozen roses left on my desk (leftover from the memorial service we had last week) but still!  LOL

I have a pretty big obsession with creepy halloween dolls... They may have exceeded my snowman collection.  I have to say - I might even like them better.  I actually put a few out this year on top of the china closet...

One of my co-workers dismembered a thrift store doll baby and made me this beauty...

There was a period of about two years - maybe ten years ago, I bet, when Marshall's and TJMaxx had these exquisite folk art halloween/christmas dolls. I really think I got the best of the bunch.  I haven't seen any of that quality since... Cara and I were at HomeGoods and she scooped up this one for me for my birthday.  Nice heavy clothing, good face painting and great attention to detail.  I love you pumpkin head.

ROOM WITH A VIEW
It's kind of frustrating that I'm consumed with where my stuff is going pretty much twenty four hours a day...  We tried to get the stuff out of the garage so The Dad could get his car in before it snows but it's still not quite ready. What we did do - with no other choice - was bring the stuff that was in the garage back into the game room - where it came from... so it's a never ending battle and never ending movable puzzle.  It didn't make sense to bring it to storage when we are in the middle of going through all of that there. It's also the holding ground for things I'm re-discovering from storage... either stuff I didn't realize was there or stuff I just found that was packed up for me.  It's just really, really hard and frustrating and makes me sick. And it's making my Dad sick too.

Even if I had the money - say a little more than our original mortgage -  to get a place of my own... you know with a spectacular view of the city, perhaps - I still wouldn't have the space for everything.  Yeah, I have too much stuff. We all know that.  I love it all, though.  Well, most of it. I'm trying to weed through it little by little and get rid of some of the things I don't want but I don't have the time to sort how I would like to. Anyway, the things I have make me happy. They are mine. I like surrounding myself with them. I like looking at them. I think that's a really good thing too.

I see some of the residents everyday in their space - usually shared - no bigger than a dorm room.  All their possessions in that tiny place.  It breaks my heart and I'm envious all at the same time.   I couldn't host a party here if I wanted to.  It was already loaded to begin with and bringing another house into it is next to impossible. That's not fair to me. It's depressing and makes me mad.

One day I'll be able to put my head on the pillow at night and be calm...

I hope.

For now, I have to look at this.

CHA CHA CHA
Whew - what a day/night.  I officially just had a 15 hour birthday party!  Cara and Chrissy planned the day - we went to Volant for lunch and some shopping...

Aunt Joyce and Uncle Jimmy, Deb and George and Ted and The Dad came over Cara's later for dinner. We had a soup fest... and almond torte, of course.  I brought over the candles which I bought on my way. Why should kids just have the number candles? Embrace your age.

Katherine and I were joking and saying she was always by my side for all the parties..

We were going to have a crafter-noon but it ended up being a crafter-evening.

We were up late painting sugar skulls.

Remember these old school masks? We found them for 25 cents.

And the night wouldn't be complete without this happening - seriously, at all my halloween/birthday dinners  - my Dad always ends up with a pot on his head!

Thank you girls (and family) for a great day and for celebrating with me!

PS - thanks to the big strapping Army dude at Cara's Giant Eagle for reaching way up high to get me the 4s or this 44 year old would have been climbing the shelves to get them herself!