My mother died in 1994… almost 21 years ago. David and I were sleeping, here, in my parent's bed when we got the call. My Dad said we should get down there. I remember getting dressed and getting another call from him shortly after. He said I think she's gone. We went down and she was already dead. I can't remember if we brought Gypsy down again or not at that time. It's things like that that I wish I could ask DCD - though he probably doesn't remember either. My mother was in the hospice that night and the two nights prior. Was she there 2 or 3 nights?? Geez, IDK. I kept asking if she wanted me to bring the dog and she said no - until that last day. She kept saying she wasn't ready. That last day she said she was. I brought the dog that afternoon and chocolate chip cookies that I made. I think I went myself. Did I? I can't remember that now either...
When my mother-in-law died, 5 years ago, we were all together in the hospital room. All the siblings and their spouses. I remember, clear as day, Tony sitting by her side checking her pulse and Paula, by the bed, saying the Act of Contrition. ;-) I remember her last breath. Even though it was a sad day, I'll always say that going out on your birthday is beyond magical… Also, clear as day, I remember all of us giving hugs and my FIL came up to me and saying, in my ear, we all just have to stick together now. Words, along with some others, that will haunt me 'till I die. I always thought that was coming from Mum. Who knows...
I remember the mother's days at the engineers club. I remember the last one (or was it the second to the last one) that my mother was alive. She was mad, jealous even, that I was going and she threw the remote at me as I was walking out of the room. She was upset and frustrated because she wasn't feeling well. Probably much like I feel right now…
I remember all the brunches and someone pregnant (usually!) and I remember one, early on, when June pulled me aside and asked me if I was pregnant. ;-) I wasn't at the time but that's when flowy shirts were in and I had one on - with culottes I think. Oh, God. I actually have that shirt in my box of clothes I want to keep - along with the dress I wore to PSU graduation, the outfit I wore the first time I flew, and other utterly ridiculous things to keep. I know, crazy...
I remember the table we were sitting at at Max and Erma's when Doug came over and spilled the beans that M&L were having twins. I remember Dave grabbing my hand under the table and the ride home. I was happy for them, really, just sad for us. I remember the baby shower too - I got all this stuff and made this cute basket with PGH hats and everything and it was time to go and I just couldn't do it. DCD got mad at me. I guess he just didn't understand how hard it was.
I remember sitting in the parking lot of Miracle Mile shopping center - I had just had the second miscarriage. We had Deanna on speaker phone - she called all excited and said she was pregnant. I remember Dave saying it was going to be ok. I remember saying something about our kids would have been the same age as hers… Somehow, years later, I found out that conversation turned into me saying I didn't like her kids or something ridiculous - which is so far from the truth. That saddens my heart, still. ;-(
I remember the three pregnancies… well the first two and the boxes of ovulation strips and pregnancy tests and hospital bands and pictures that were in the furniture I hand carved and painted that was to go in the nursery - the furniture which is now broken (and probably wet) in storage… I remember the third pregnancy and getting mad at DCD b/c S had shingles and he drank from his glass at the Central benefit and I was scared something was going to happen... And that night of the big bleed and the look on his face. Everything turned out to be ok then but a couple weeks later it wasn't. It's a weird thing going in and not seeing the heartbeat anymore on that screen. There's a hush you can feel. I remember the first time when the doctor called and said sorry for your loss and I was like it's ok and then being hopeful and then not. I remember the second time - I was by myself after the appointment in the bottom part of the parking lot of the south hills village Kohl's looking at the sonogram picture. And the third that we never really talked about and then he was gone. I remember going to the fertility clinic - alone - right after we separated... All those acupuncture treatments and all that money. God. For what?
Sometimes it seems like it was a lifetime ago and sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday.
Mother's Day isn't usually happy for me and I know it isn't for a lot of other people too. Those I care for at work that have children that don't visit often or at all, those that regret never having children, those that were abused, those that were the abusers, those that lost their moms tragically or didn't know them at all… everyone has their story.
This is part of mine.
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