59/365

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME

I actually like rain but this was kind of ridiculous. I like thunder too - lightning, not so much... we were kind of a little scared and thought of camping out under the bed but we couldn't fit.

I was up early again and tried to go back to sleep for hours but nothing was working... all I could think about was the downstairs flooding and all my boxes floating around down there. We went in the living room, as we usually do, to see if the change of scenery and location would get the job done. I like going to sleep with the lights on the Christmas Tree on... it worked.

I think it was the deepest sleep I've had in a very long time. I had a really nice dream that I thought was actually happening.

Then I heard thunder... and I was up.

Still wondering how my dream was going to end...

58/365

RAIN RAIN GO AWAY COME AGAIN ANOTHER DAY

I was wondering earlier if I'm the cause of all these weird occurrences that are happening around me or if I'm there because they are going to happen...

I'm exhausted.

Going to go to bed and listen to the rain.

57/365

IT HAD TO BE YOU

It was against my better judgement to say yes to this... The daughter of my dad's friend got married today.

There were a few reasons why I didn't want to go...

One - I didn't want to go and be my dad's date.... it's bad enough that he calls me JoAnn a couple times a day.

Two - I knew this would be a pretty fancy wedding comparable to ours.

Three - I wanted to break sharon's other ankle when I found out she fell in a hole at Costco and couldn't go! Just kidding. Well, not really. ;-)

Turns out I ended up on a double date...

... with my Dad and Brother. Well Brother and my Dad, I should say.

Also, turns out that sometime after the soup and salad Brother passed out at the table for about 5-10 minutes. We all thought he was dead - god forbid. I was shaking him and nothing - he was completely out cold. I called 911 and after coming to and about 10 paramedics trying to figure things out he was on a stretcher and off to Shadyside hospital...

It really was a nice wedding too...

It was full of the usual cast of characters and familiar names (and all their nicknames) including Aulicino, Tigano, Garofalo, Vitti, Girasole, Capozzoli, Insogna and Rulli even came in from Vegas! The talk of their boys night out get togethers and years past was all you heard.

Besides the whole ending up in the emergency room until 1 AM thing it turned out to be a really nice night.

I was rockin my professionally applied MAC makeup and my favorite Anthropologie dress with the flowers on it. There were lots of Italian Pastries and songs from every mob movie... As expected, though, there were a little too many reminders and people still talking about a day some 13+ years ago.

Wouldn't you know it, Steven Vance - strolling violinist - was there... He had a list of songs you could request as he came by table by table... There was one on the list that I had to choose - as difficult as it was... the song we danced to at our wedding.

Some others I've seen,

Might never be mean

Might never be cross,

Or try to be boss

But they wouldn't do

For nobody else, gave me a thrill

With all your faults, I love you still

It had to be you, wonderful you

It had to be you.

So much for that, I guess.

My feet hurt along with my heart.

I'm going to bed... It's 2:45 AM... just about my usual time to be getting up..

56/365

Gather Ye RoseBuds While Ye May

There is a subtle difference between these two pictures. I had a rose in the car and left it there overnight. When I got it the next day it was droopy and dry and the petals were falling off.

After I put it in some water for a little bit it started to come back to life.

{Sorry, Mum. We were supposed to go visit your grave the other day but didn't get around to it. The rose was for you. I would have bought a lily, too, but they didn't have any stems. ;-) }

55/365

TIME AFTER TIME

I was on some blog and the question for the day was "what makes your heart sing when you look around your house?"

I used to walk out of a room just so I could walk back in and look at everything around me. Does everyone do that? The simple little fabric tree that aunt joyce made and gave me when we moved in - it has stayed on the pig curio since she brought it over - in fact, it's still there. My calendar and chalkboards and the lazy susan on the dining room table... Our Christiana Candles! ♥ The tree I painted on the basement wall... My little shoes on the front porch! The picture of the disney brick that everyone signed at our wedding and the "True Companion" David had hand calligraphied from Nittany Quill - now turned over and cast aside. The woodwork around the windows... The mantle! I miss the mantle.

Many years ago I remember seeing a mantle in Country Living or Country Home magazine - similar to the photo above - and I loved it. Next time we go junking, I think I'm going to start searching for old beat up clocks and clock faces and maybe a basket or bin of pocket watches. That would be nice. And I don't want any of them to have the right time - all different. Except, maybe, for one - hidden somewhere in the group.

Then I'll have to find a mantle to put them on.

"Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you..."

~ Cyndi Lauper - Time after time video

{sorry Dixon House for not taking care of you... and thank you for being my home.}

54/365

CONNECT FOUR

The title of this post couldn't be funnier to me...

We all look for connections... to belong, to feel like what we say or think or do matters... to feel like it's just "right." You know to be NSYNC.

I mean in sync.

Like attracts like - or is it opposites attract??? Anyway, birds of a feather flock together, right? It's human nature to gravitate towards someone that has so much in common. Someone with a volatile relationship or in the same boat with their spouse, a family member that recently passed away, a book club or class... Plus there's no conflict - it's safe and comfortable.

Sometimes you forget the one connection that linked you together in the first place.

I haven't.

There's a lot more I can add to this tonight... but I don't think any of you are ready for it.

53/365

TOT - Ten on Tuesday (Stochastic Thoughts... I was sick of saying "random" so I found a synonym.)

1. I forgot to post this picture - taken when it got warm... I was going to call it "I'll be back again someday..."

Willy Melt did, in fact, MELT. better days

2. I didn't think he would come back like this though!

I had an appointment in Oakland this morning. I took me 45 minutes to clean off the car and and hour and a half to get there. So much for 1-3 inches!

3. Passed by this on Sunday and wanted to kill myself... among other things it was complete with 9 over 6 windows and BARN!

4. From Wolfgang Puck's last year... As much as I want to jump in there and eat that french toast (omg - one of my favorite things ever...) I only see one thing.

5. Is it bad that my favorite show on tv and the only one I record is Top Shot on the History Channel... I'm kind of thinking of going for shooting lessons.

6. Come light the menorah.... this has been her favorite toy as of late... she found it downstairs and brought it up with her and has even been bringing it into bed with her!

7. Time for Christmas to go away (the menorah can stay.)

8. Computer problems... lost all my email on the laptop again and how do I keep taking a picture of my screen on the phone? I have no idea how or why this is happening. They just magically appear in my iphoto.

9. Why does she insist on going everywhere BUT where I shoveled???

10. It was a snow day so I ended up meeting for an impromptu lunch today... chicken and noodles ON mashed potatoes ON TOP OF a biscuit...

I thought I died and went to heaven.

52/365

DISNEY MEMORIES

I guess talking about warm Orlando the other day doesn't actually make you warm... I have been FREEZING the last couple days. Not sure if I'm getting sick or what. I took Glo to start her dental work and had to come right home and go to bed. I have two shirts, a sweater and two blankets on - and a dog on top of me! Still freezing.

I think I've seen one of those "Disney Memories" commercials at least three times in the last hour. I know HGTV is doing something with the garden show coming up but it seems like they've really been pushing the ads on here. As soon as I hear the song my heart sinks to the ground.

My Disney memories... it was the first place I ever flew to - the year we got engaged. I still have the outfit I wore on the plane packed in a box somewhere... the brick, of course, and the honeymoon and the private photo shoot around the park and Mickey telling us he's a "non-alcoholic" mouse... the spa day at the Floridian and the teas... My photos of all the doors in World Showcase... That Valentine's Day when we ate something in EVERY country! The Butcher shop and ALL the other places 2 or 12 or 20 of us went to eat every night. I could go on and on. Some people dream of going there just ONE time in their life and I, honestly, have lost track on how many times I've been there.

When I think of Disney I'll always remember my father-in-law getting off Tower of Terror and, like a sixteen year old, running back in line to ride it again... My Dad almost having a heart attack on the Dinosaur ride and Janel terrified that Epcot was going to burn to the ground during the Millenium Celebration! I'll remember Deanna on stage at the Hoop Dee Doo and singing happy birthday to my mother-in-law after being bombarded with a bunch of ketchup bottles at breakfast and the Deasy boys seeing Epcot a whole different way with their passports.

Every year I would think the same thing as we stood in front of whatever it was in one park or the other... under Spaceship Earth, in front of the Animal Kingdom sign, just inside the entrance to Magic Kingdom... Year after year my father-in-law would swing over the video camera and get his regular camera out and take that picture of the group of us. * ;-) The thought that would cross my mind each time he snapped that shot was that next year would be the year. The year that there would be another stroller to have to position in that picture.

I thought we would have been getting ready to bring a 4 month old on his or her first Disney trip this year - That will be my memory for this year. And there will be one thing I'll always think about when I think of Disney. I'll never get to say Surprise - we're going to Disney World to my own kids like they do in those commercials. I won't get to walk in holding the hand of my daughter while she twirls around wearing her Cinderella gown or buy my son his first set of ears. I did get to walk in holding David's hand so many times and the hands of a lot of nieces and nephews, though, which was just as special but it will never be the same. And that's why my heart sinks when I hear that song.

* I don't have any of those pictures here ;-( but I did have some I took of the castle...

51/365

HOUSE HUNTERS

Not feeling so great tonight... went to see some houses today with Chrissy and Ted. Got a little depressed in the game room of a model house.

Don't have much to say. Considered ODing on my Xanax when I got home but Lily stopped me. I think I came to the conclusion, though, that I do NOT want to be a realtor so accomplished something tonight - oh and the chicken fingers at Dick's Diner are good too! Been meaning to try them and always chicken out (pun intended) and go with the hot turkey sandwich. ;-)

Going to take a nap...

50/365

THE SUNSHINE STATE

I have a zillion things to do tonight but I just don't feel like doing any. I've been out all day with no coat on (and I should have had one on) so I'm freezing... all I want to do is put on comfy clothes and lay on the couch with a blanket and my dog but that never works out for me here so I made some coffee and figured I would add to my list of where I would move to if I had to. Since I'm cold - I thought I would talk about somewhere warm. So I pick Orlando, FL.

A few years ago, when we considered moving there, we had a house shopping extravaganza in Orlando - I can't remember everywhere we visited... Longwood, Ocoee, Clermont, Windermere... there were others. I often wonder what would have happened if we moved there. I think it would have been good - besides being away from everyone. I think we needed a change - something different... a fresh start. Like I said before, we were just stuck in the same place. Why can't I remember that one area... it had something to do with wine... the PBS&J guy lived there??? What would have happened if we all moved there to that big five bedroom with the little yard? Daddy included. Maybe he would have been a little nicer to me. I wonder. He probably would have been because of Dave... and I wonder what would have happened with RB? I can't stop thinking about what would have happened if we put her in that oxygen chamber too - I don't know why that's been on my mind lately. Anyway, I kind of wish we would have moved there. We would have been close to Disney, had an annual pass and could have gone to Epcot for dinner whenever we wanted. ;-) Win - win for everyone! There would have been a lot of places to work at I bet too. Didn't like the bugs and the thought of spraying for them with all that toxic stuff, and the baby lizards in the house and the hard grass though. But overall, I think I could have handled it.

I don't have any pictures here of that trip to post but when I think about that time, besides that really nice room we stayed in, I think about those live oak trees along a lot of the roads we were on... so I googled some random trees. ;-)

On a side note - just wanted to document the day... they say when you turn 40 your eyes start to go... they are right, I guess. Had to buy these today.

49/365

HEART IN HAND

I often think about this photo of Mum. It's one of my favorites. Atia was handing out candy hearts to everyone and I had to take this picture. I think it says a lot.

The Amish and Shakers have a symbol: heart-in-hand - representing charity, giving with the hands and from the heart and implies a loving welcome. Which is always what she had for everyone.

I never thought there would be a day without her let alone all that has happened after that.

That we would be dealing with the death of a mother, the death of a baby, and the death of a marriage in just a short time... none of which were properly addressed by the two of us. I'm glad I spoke at her funeral and talked about how David always said he "married his mother." I hope along with some of her other qualities, good and bad, it was because of her dedication and love of family.

I've said this before that I feel like that was Mum's final message to us. When we were all brought together in that circle of love... that family is forever. I'm sad that we didn't try to honor that. A year ago, I wrote in my journal that she was the light in this family and the room got dim the night she died. I don't think it's been as bright ever since.

The day after she died we both wrote to her in RoseBud's journal - this was my entry.

Happy Birthday, Mum.

You probably really don't want to but, if you can, give The Bud a kiss for me. ;-)

I miss you.

48/365

BLOOM WHERE YOU'RE PLANTED

I would be highly surprised if I haven't used that title already... Anyway, this weather makes me want to go out and pull weeds... I know it's still February and I always plant way too early - it's just something about that first chance to get started. As soon as it gets nice I see this...

... and just want to fill it up with loveliness. Oh, how I LOVE all my tonka trucks!!!

I'm not the best gardner in the world. I'm usually too lazy to water and some things die. I don't know what kind of plants are what or which direction the sun comes from. I just plant whatever I like - usually in junk. The more rusty and old the better. And I don't want to forget my shoes... I love my shoes just as much as my trucks.

I remember talking to pat about this and she liked it. We are kindred spirits when it comes to metaphors... I think I looked at my planting (and other, dare I say, functional stuff) as a way to see something grow... from start to finish. The baby thing never worked out and all the failed attempts and failed pregnancies and things turned out like this... (my post for the day after the miscarriage/when David left.) We missed seeing things to completion - the normal progression of what comes next. My flowers were a way to fill that void... I never use gloves because I like to feel the dirt and suggest you do the same. Didn't think I was a dirty kind of girl, did you? ;-) I'm in a hurry so I'll quit now. There's more to this topic, though - I'll have to get back to it later.

Poor Lily is having troubles again with her allergies... I don't know what to do about it. I may take her to a doggie acupuncturist next... Totally regretting getting new carpet too and should have replaced the hard wood. She wasn't this bad at Dixon House so I'm thinking the carpet may have something to do with it. I'm afraid it's only going to get worse for her when the weather gets nice so thought she should get some fresh air now...

Let's Play!

I'm sure I have the exact picture of RB somewhere... for now this will have to do. ;-)

"The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers."

~ Thich Nhat Hanh

47/365

GRATEFUL DEAD

I'm going to call this photo date night.

46/365

TOT - Ten on Tueday (not so deep thoughts)

1. I was having deja vu a few days ago when I was returning some things from Christmas (yes - I still have Christmas returns.) Anyway, I thought I had already returned something and was looking at the receipt. I didn't, but the name of the original cashier... DEYJA (weird!)

2. I saw this on the parkway a couple weeks ago... The Terrible Tanker.

3. I was watching the Cee Lo/Elton comparison in bed on my laptop - Lily was at the bottom of the bed and heard it and came up and sat next to me. She watched the whole thing (Elton) and when it was over she licked the screen and went back to the bottom of the bed. I swear.

4. You know my dad HAD to say it... "LUKE I'M YOUR FATHER." The respitory therapist said (in his best sarcastic tone) that that was the FIRST time anyone EVER said that to him. ;-)

5. I saw this journal in Wild Card the other day but Chrissy wouldn't let me get it because she said I had too many notebooks half started already with all my ramblings in them.

6. Chrissy is right.

7. I don't even like Harry Potter that much but I really want to see this.

8. We parked in a handicap spot for the first time on monday!

9. I don't have the picture I was looking for on my laptop so this will have to do... Happy Birthday to my favorite pug drawing little girl that somehow turned 18 today...

10. NO MORE PICTURES - thank you very much.

45/365

ALL YOU NEED IS PUG, PUG...

PUG IS ALL YOU NEED.

♥♥♥ HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY ♥♥♥

I'm not going to pretend like I'm not sad today... my first valentine's day in many, many years without David. A year ago today we were flying home from Orlando not quite knowing what was going to happen next. When he was here last Lily fell asleep on his chest while he was holding her... when she and I went to bed that night she got under the covers with me and she smelled like him. I miss the smell of his cologne when I would hug him and him whispering in my ear and so many other things...

I miss him and I miss us. Lily misses him too.

44/365

PARADISE LOST

Is there an animal that stores up all it's sleep and sleeps at one time? If so, I'm that animal! I fell asleep last night watching HGTV so I did nap - then I got up and was up until around 2. I fell asleep again and the next thing I knew it was after 8 am so I slept for a long time! I don't really feel much better from it, though. In fact, I might actually feel worse. ;-( There's a wood pecker out there that woke me up. And I went to sleep to the hooting of an owl. Is that what it's called - hooting? I took Lily out late and the owl was talking... I've been on top of Lily when she goes potty because I'm afraid the owl is going to swoop down and take her away. Do owls even do that? I'm not sure.

I was thinking about that when I went to bed. I kept seeing shadows near my window and envisioned the imaginary big black dinosaur bird that my dad "saw" in North Carolina before he got life flighted to Norfolk. I kept waiting for it to crash through the window and take us away in it's claws. Then I fell asleep - I guess from exhaustion and/or fear!

I woke up this morning to the Bud in my arms - as usual... head under my chin twisted under the covers with me. She likes to put her paw on me - I think to trap me and make me feel guilty for getting out of bed. I haven't figured out what side of the bed I like so I'm just all over the place. Wherever I am, though, she's right there next to me.

Whenever I try to move or roll over she gets mad. She either goes to the end of the bed and sleepily circles around and comes back up and plops down next to me again or she just "stretches the doggy bones" and looks at me like stop it - you're being unreasonable getting out of bed this early. Either way she does it with a little annoyed growl - grunt and then sighs as she's getting comfy again.

The sighs get to me.

I was presented with a question awhile ago... and took it seriously. It asked about what I wanted in our relationship. I came up with all my responses... then I waited and waited and got nothing in return. The start of my response went like this - " You know when Lily gets comfy in bed and sighs before putting her head on the pillow? That's what I want... I don't want to guess or assume or wonder what's going on..." I'm still wondering. Like I said before I went from what I was led to believe was a renewal to being pushed aside more than I already was. I still don't get it.

That's not trying.

At all.

And it makes me mad.

"Forth reaching to the fruit, she pluck'd, she eat: Earth felt the wound, and Nature from her seat - sighing through all her works, gave signs of woe that all was lost..." ~ John Milton, Paradise Lost.

43/365

JUST SATURDAY
Something really strange happened last night. I went into bed a little before 2 and shortly after I heard a noise like all the power went out but when I checked everything was still on. Actually, I never really "heard" a noise at all - it was just a feeling like everything stopped. I got up and went to the living room thinking maybe the furnace blew up and a ball of fire was going to come up the steps. Nothing happened. I thought maybe I was pushed into another realm - there was just complete silence - no noise at all... until I came back in and heard the BiPap machine. ;-) I finally got back to sleep and woke up at my usual little after 3 (with the worst leg pain I ever had for some reason) and have been up ever since.

I decided to venture out to LoLa still - a little groggy and limping.

We had to stop to eat first - so Tessaro's for burgers...

Divertido had a flood a little while ago and the showroom got destroyed so they were having a sale - that was our "reason" to go down. We followed the ducks to the Back Room of the store...

Had to stop at our usuals... Page Boy (can I live here?)

Dandelions and Wild Card and, of course, Dozen... for a bouquet of valentine cupcakes.

And a last minute stop at the I Made It Market in the Glass Lofts - LOVE the glass garage doors in each unit that open up to the balcony.

FUN day but feeling a little out of it. I think I need a nap (and some motrin) before I go to bed!

42/365

CONTINUED

So what got us from here...

... to where we are now?

I think it depends on who you ask. I'm not going to lie and say everything was perfect. It wasn't. How is your marriage? I thought that trip last year was a new beginning. The visit to the brick and everything else we did and talked about. I can't believe it was all fake and when asked I was told it wasn't so I want to believe that.

A lot went on after that walk down that path to get to W17 663... FYI - If you look closely at the others you will see most are all W16... it was a rush order to get it in so they put it in that section... we always were able to find it that way.

Anyway...

8 days later Mum was gone...

5 days after that we saw a little plus sign...

Just under two weeks after that I was in the ER...

A week after that I was laying on a table and looked over at my husband and found out there was no heart beat - in more ways than one...

David left for Vegas with Dad the very next day...

When he got back it was a crazy week after that, just waiting for something to happen, we got a kiss goodbye and a I love you - be home soon and after a trip to Primanti's the avoiding being home began...

Finally, 2 weeks after that last ultrasound they were gone... the morning for one and the same evening for the other.

We went from a new beginning to an end in under 2 months.

It was a whirlwind to say the least.

I have a lot to say about this but only one person should hear it so I'll end this with that... as I said before - unfortunately too much was said to others while I was - as I recently found out - intentionally ignored.

That's not right for a lot of reasons.

I have this weird craving for an apple.

41/365

IT ALL STARTED WITH A MOUSE

We have four of these bricks all around Disney World. This was the one that started it all, though - almost 15 years ago. I knew what was up that day - kind of. ;-) I remember him on the phone in the room... I remember going to the park and sitting and waiting while he went to talk to some one. I remember the brick tent guy escorting us down that path. I remember what I had on - in fact, I still have it! I remember the whole family going back to see it and take pictures. I don't have my photos here but it's as plain as day in my mind.

I saved this in my art journal - click to enlarge. This was posted a year ago today from our phones standing right there at that brick.

I had a lot more written here and I just deleted it all... I can't do this right now. So, as hard as is it for me, I'm going to shut my mouth. I'll have to get back to this later. Just wanted to document the day - and the year.

40/365

57 CHANNELS AND NOTHIN ON

I've been feeling like an old tv lately... with bits and pieces of my life flickering on and off before my eyes. Reminded by little moments in time - a piece of paper found with an old list of stuff to do at Dixon House... imaginary house plans and sketches for the cd cabinet doors... a card never sent... Bits and pieces of a life unfinished stacked in folders and thrown in boxes. As much that is here is there... it's too much and none of it means anything.

I don't know where to begin with all of it... or end.

* Since valentine's day is fast approaching I thought I would post the picture of Lily above... click to enlarge to see the ♥ she would make on her forehead when she scrunched her face up just so. ;-) I'm embarrassed to say that there was a time when I kind of didn't want her... she was really dark when she was a puppy - she had a lot of black in her for being a fawn pug.

I thought she was a freak dog and a little weird looking and kind of wanted to send her back. She wasn't exactly what I thought she would be. I'm glad I didn't give up on her though. She's such a good puppy dog. She lightened up a lot and some of the darkness faded - it's hard to find the heart anymore but every time I look at her I still see it.