Sunday, June 21, 2015

I understand that some people just don't want kids and prefer to remain child free. I find that weird but that's their choice. This question is not for them. I sometimes wonder, though, do men that never had children regret it? I wonder what the statistics are. Is there a longing and a loss like women have?  I would think so. I would think there is some sense of loss and grief… Even questions like who do you pass your belongings down too?  I suppose it's different, in a way, because men can have children later and the loss of, literally, not having them is different… still, I wonder.

I think I'll always have a problem - every mother's day, every father's day. Pretty much - every day. IDK, I think that anyone that has dealt with infertility for so long will still have that sadness  - never  seeing your husband play with your baby or see him grow up with his eyes or his smile…

Someone actually told me to just get over it - and I know the ship has sailed and maybe I make people uncomfortable because I talk too much. I hear things like I wish you could take mine or I can't deal with the ones I have.  Who says that? It's the same as the fighting couples in sam's club. Just annoys me to no end.

This last miscarriage would have knocked anyone down.  Finding out about the pregnancy right after my MIL died, being blamed, being ignored while I was waiting to miscarry, being abandoned the day it happened.  It's a lot to deal with. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy and it was never dealt with properly. This isn't just coming out of the blue.

I plant flowers in all kinds of shoes. I always had baby shoes in the yard and on the porch.  The ones from the house were thrown in a bucket and brought to storage (not by me) and I brought them to the house here. I have my favorite pair on the bottom of a table outside. Nothing in it. I can still see them, though, if I look.  The rest have just been sitting around. I haven't been able to re-plant in them. I had a bunch of others in a bin in storage. I already took care of them.  I was always going to use them as favors for my baby shower if I ever had one - with hens and chicks planted in them, of course.  Today, I gathered the ones outside…

… and I threw them all away. 

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