Friday, August 21, 2015

You know I haven't had time to get to  my own blog let alone any others... I've been working a lot - and working late nights and trying to get my class done - by the time I get back and do what I need here, I'm pooped.  I always used to check in on two blogs in particular - for years.  Lisa Leonard and Erin Cobb's Princess PigBear.  Lisa Leonard is the girl behind lisa leonard designs, the fab jewelry company  .  Erin Cobb is a super talented photographer in Alabama and started her blog when her baby was a finalist (and then winner) of a Baby Gap contest in '07.  Besides being inspiring and savvy business women they are moms and share the joy of family in their blogs which really is the appeal for me.  I still get their emails and see their facebook posts.  I saw one of Erin's studio/cottage the other day and had to spend some time looking around.  And then I cried for ten minutes. I haven't been on (either) blog for months.   All the kids seemed so grown up...  The cottage is adorable... I saw the summer trips they went on...

We would have had two kids around the same age as my ex-SIL. I always thought it was interesting to see them grow up - it was also heartbreaking.  I still, every time I pull into Miracle Mile, get a twinge in my heart because I remember sitting in the parking lot crying when we got the phone call she was pregnant.  It was shortly after one of my miscarriages.  It was not because I wasn't happy for her - I was just sad for me. For us.   I think this was told to her and got lost in translation somehow... "You don't know what he had to go through." What did that mean? I still want to know. There's still a lot I want to know.

You would think I would be settled by now. Truth is, I'm not.  I'm not sure I will ever be.  Some days are better than others.  Some days are really, really good.  Some are really, really bad. This is all that I wanted.  If I followed my bliss it would have been exactly what I was doing.

This divorce was a set back... not necessarily a new beginning but I see how that could be and eventually will be. I love what I'm doing and I think I'm super good at it but we all know what my first choice would have been.  It's still very, very difficult to know that that's not going to happen.  At times, it all becomes a little too much to think about.

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