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THEY SEE ME ROLLIN...

I used to take Pepper up to the reservoir in this doll stroller. She was a little tiny Pekingnese. We would walk around Highland Park like mama and baby.

I'd probably look a little weird up there now with Lily, huh?  Though I still do want that Jeep doggy stroller!

When I first met with the oncologist she asked me what I wanted to do about fertility preservation. I told her I've been meeting with the fertility doctor. I really like him and wish I would have seen him long ago. My doctor referred me too him and I was supposed to go after the last miscarriage but we all know how that turned out.  Here I am now with a couple days to figure out what I want/need/can do. Down to the wire, as always.

I'm over the age limit (40) to harvest my eggs and buy some time that way... find a donor on my own time and not delay starting treatment.  He suggested I freeze embryos instead but, ethically, to do that - it has to be with my husband.  The oncologist is not opposed at all to me getting pregnant.  I was surprised by that and thought it might be an issue (hormonally) but it's not. I guess there's always the option of some injections and finding some random person in a bar!

The clock is definitely ticking - in more ways than one - and it's hard to hit the snooze button after wanting this for so long. At the radiation consultation last week they called a social worker in after I told them my story. She was concerned I had too much on my plate. Not even grieving the other loss(es) at the end is a lot to swallow by itself without the actual cancer diagnosis and treatment. I pretty much had to calm her down and told her the only way to deal with this was to be adaptable and and do what I had to do. I just haven't figure that part out yet! Everyone is trying to make me feel better with talk of adoption - and that's not out of the question - but that doesn't negate the want to have your own baby and the ability to see someone grow up with your nose or your husband's ears and so on and so on. I think I will always feel the loss of that.

Just another thing to worry about in a big girl life.

I just discovered that picture of me and pepper on my computer and made it my screen saver (the original is somewhere at DH) but every time I came in the room my heart hurt a little more.  I changed it to one of my very favorite pieces by Gorjuss... the last rose.

That's better. Hmmm, I think.