I'm officially putting the TOTs to bed - no more ten on tuesdays! I've been toying with the idea of the TBTs for awhile now and I think it's time. Not sure if I will make it TBT Tuesdays or Thursdays or even both but I may as well start now...
I was out today and met my friend, Mary Pat for dinner tonight. I called Glo-worm on my way to dinner and asked what was going on... she said she heard something beeping and didn't know what it was. She told me she walked around for a couple hours and couldn't figure out where it was coming from - never called me or told me the couple times I checked in to see how she was. She said she finally called Bill or Dan or the other Dan and told me they said it was the carbon monoxide detector. I don't really know what happened yet until I talk to one or all of them in the morning but she said "he" replaced it and put a big stick in the fireplace and near the furnace and he sat on the couch for 2 hours - I'm not sure any of that is true but the sliding glass door is open just in case.
Actually, it's 4:20 am. I just heard her fall in her bedroom. Not sure why. She said she got up to go to the bathroom and just fell. I don't know if she was wandering and didn't know where she was and ran into the nightstand but when I went in she and the lamp were on the floor and the nightstand was pushed to the wall.
My truth for today (which is now tomorrow because I never got to this last night) is that I can't handle any of this anymore... I was going to voluntary commit myself over the weekend but didn't know how that would look on a job application at the time so I talked to my therapist on monday about it...Among other things, he said I had to stop pretending I was ok... I told him I didn't like that wording. ;-) I'm not "pretending" anything. I don't do that. I thought I was doing a good job of doing what I had to do with all of this. Until now. The meltdown last week was it.
I don't really like using what is going on as an excuse because everyone has shit going on in their own lives... jobs and children to take care of... bills to pay... things to do. Everyone has stress in their life and can usually mange to function on a day to day basis. He reminded me of all of my stressors - my mother's death which I yelled at him for because it was so long ago but he was trying to get to the point of being diagnosed at the same age and her being dead now...miscarriages and loss of fertility... losing my home and my husband... the stress of divorce and taking care of my dad and aunt - trying to place her in a home... not having a job or health insurance, even being away from Lily! Add the cancer diagnosis and new medicine and not feeling well on top of it. I think there's a couple more but I can't think clearly right now. The point is - one of those things, alone, would be and could be enough to send someone spinning. It's pretty obvious I have an extraordinary amount of stress and grief on my plate.
Making do with everything is not proving to be beneficial...
So... I canceled Christmas. Not the entire Holiday - just my part of it. I never thought I would be here for over 3 months and I'm behind on a lot of things... As I told the family, in order for me to not have a meltdown (well who the hell am I kidding - I probably will regardless) I think it's best if I bow out now. The house is too small, I haven't cleaned, I don't have a menu or anything else together yet and it's too hard to be doing all of this back and forth. I had to go over the other day to move boxes in the garage back into the game room so The Dad could get his car in before it snows. My life is too disrupted to do this so my decision is made. It really makes me sad because Christmas was always my thing and, this probably sounds stupid, but it seems like another loss to me. I just don't know what else to do.
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