I told my therapist today about my ten vials of blood they took at the rheumatologist's office and my suspicious mammogram. He asked me what I thought about a potential cancer diagnosis. I just said whatever and more than likely rolled my eyes, I bet. I told him the "it is what it is" story from a few days ago and said I was hoping it was nothing but if it is something - there's not too much I can do about it. I told him when the radiologist came in (which I knew wasn't good) I wasn't even listening to her explain it to me - all that was going through my head was what am I going to do about insurance and would anyone hire me and what does "pre-exisiting condition" actually mean? I mean you hear that all the time but I really don't know how that factors into anything. He also asked me if I was freaking out over my Dad's new health issues and I said no - he was giving himself his own shots so it wasn't hurting me at all. He said that didn't matter - with the kidney failure and uncontrolled diabetes this could be the start of a lot of other problems. I thanked him for making me feel so much better. ;-) No, I knew what he was getting at and I just said we're going to have to see what happens when it happens. Part of me thinks everything is ok because how could yet another thing be added to my already long list of woes?!? Another part of me thinks something has to be wrong... why not? My track record isn't exactly the best. I don't predict anything anymore since I know, very well, anything can happen at any time. It's all good - until I find out more next week - so I'm sticking with that thought for the time being.
I had some time to kill between appointments so I headed over to East Liberty to go to Target to get a light bulb for the stove... some guy was collecting money in a bucket on Fifth Avenue - I grabbed a couple dollar bills I had in my cup holder and gave it to him through the passenger side window. He thanked me and kept walking. I saw him walking backwards out of the corner of my eye and he came back and stuck his head in and said "keep smiling... you have a nice smile - God loves you. "
I went to Target and just kind of walked around aimlessly and then (lucky me) found a parking space near Vanilla Pastry (always a good thing.) I smiled when I got in the car and thought I had a lot of guts coming out of there with a shopping bag full of stuff after I vowed to not make or bring any tempting things in the house because of The Dad (and me.)
So I ate 2 of the 3 pecan chocolate chip meringues so there would be less to bring home. ;-) The no sugar thing starts tomorrow.
Anyway, I went back to Oakland and then headed back to do some errands - I needed to go to the post office so I cut up Sycamore which I haven't done in a very long time - I turned just as Sullivan Street came on the radio... that song always gets to me for some reason. I passed the house and the sign to the park and cried until I got to the shopping center. I did what I needed to do and went home... As I got out of the car I realized I forgot to look for the light bulb I went to Target for in the first place and opened the box and saw my cupcakes all toppled over.
I wanted to cry again but I thought about the man with the bucket and smiled instead.