Thursday, February 9, 2012



I saw this and my first thought was that it was adorable! My second thought was how did they get them to sit for that?!? Then, I got sad. I just thought of the siblings all lined up for their family portrait and all the photos I'll never get to take on a tree, a canon, in the ocean, etc... You know, even though I was soon approaching forty and it was the third miscarriage in four years, I still was hopeful then. I know that's kind of weird. ;-) Honestly, though, when we left Florida I thought that was the year... somehow, a baby would be in the picture. It may not have been how we thought or originally planned but we would make it happen nonetheless. We walked around Celebration talking about the future and a possible adoption...not knowing we actually conceived then. It all turned out to be different - not too much later. I never thought there would be the death of a mother and a baby and a marriage, to process and grieve, in such a short amount of time.

A very good friend of my husband's sent me an email one day. We knew there was no heartbeat and decided to just wait for it to happen. She sent me a really nice note and told me about what she went through and said to not give up. Because of that, I really did think that one day we would all be sitting around with our kids. That it was still possible. She probably doesn't know how much that meant to me. I'm not sure I ever got the chance to tell her.

I know it's water under the bridge now but I'm thinking that one day I'll forget all of this and I'm going to want to remember what I was feeling when. I just sent my first year of these words off to print. My constant need to document everything forced me to get a pretty little book made.

I think I'm just having a pity party tonight and should probably shut up now. The Bud went in the other room, annoyed, because I still have the lights on and I'm making too much noise for her going from resumes to Pinterest to words with friends with Carey. It's just jobs and money were never that important to me. All I wanted was the husband and the family and the photos and the colored drawings on the refrigerator.... I'm slightly addicted to kid's hand, foot and finger print art!

As much as I love those four little feet, it's just not the same with paw prints. ;-(

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