I'm trying not to think about this all the time but my boobs hurt - well one of them - so it's hard to think of anything else. All steri strips are off... my bruise has gotten bigger and has some added colors to it. I have an appointment tomorrow - not really sure what that's going to be about... It's just all boobs - all the time. ;-)
The Booby Trap was the title of Giuliana & Bill's episode tonight.... The Style Channel tends to air an episode to death, so I've seen this one three times already... beyond the breast cancer is the fertility side of their story. When I met with the genetic counselor last week she told me I wouldn't me able to do certain treatments if I still wanted to have a family... I've been thinking about it since. Believe it or not, before all of this, I was still planning on having (my own) baby - somehow, someway. It's not something I'm comfortable forgetting about. Maybe my decision will be made for me but - for now - I don't know what I'm going to do. It's just a lot to think about. I think I need to start making my pros and cons lists out. I'm a list maker... and kind of surprised myself that these lists aren't already finished... and typed out... complete with flower doodle headings. ;-) Sometimes I feel like I'm not taking this seriously... most of the time I'm like whatev... part of me could care less about it. I'm not even google doctoring much. I know - surprising, huh?
There was one moment in the show tonight that I keep replaying in my head... it was in the car after they got the pathology report that the one lumpectomy was not successful and Guiliana questioned how this was happening... and asked where the finish line was... and repeated it never ends (now this along with the baby thing.) All things I questioned myself. There was a shot in the car - filmed from the back... Bill reaches his hand out and she puts hers in his and he says they have to stay together... we're a team... this is going to require team work... That got to me.
I know I have a good team behind me... family and friends and hopefully doctors.
There's just one hand that I'll always miss holding.
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