You know - I really shouldn't give a shit about this. It's been on my mind, though... I don't know who else shares this sentiment but I've been silent about this for awhile now and it's starting to piss me off.
I found that funny because every time I go to the doctors I don't really feel like it's gone...
And every morning when I wake up with pain in every joint, you know, I don't feel like it's gone...
Or every time my alarm goes off to take my medicine...
Or when I look in the mirror and see my incisions...
Or... I think you get where I'm coming from.
Once you get a cancer diagnosis, my dear, it's never really over.
I don't know. Maybe I'm supposed to just blow it off so it will be easier for others to deal with. Or maybe I don't have cancer "enough" because I haven't had a spaghetti dinner or a 5K or started a kickstarter to pay for my medical bills. I'm not asking for a pity party. I just don't know why my cancer isn't taken seriously - by some. Maybe it's because I've done extraordinarily well, given the circumstances.
FYI - I've done extraordinarily well because you do what you have to do. That doesn't mean it's over.
It's been slightly over a year since I finished my radiation treatments... I'm STILL having effects from it.
It will be a year, on November 13th, since I started my daily medication - something I will be on for the next 10 years and has been causing me problems since I started it. That doesn't sound over to me.
I had the same genetic testing that Angelina Jolie had. I bet you think she's really brave. I've lost track of the tests and procedures I had. I had two surgeries and two weeks after that I had to go back for another. I chose to NOT do chemo. Even more testing showed I probably wouldn't have responded to it so, against normal protocol, I opted to go a different route and every month that I go in to get an implant from a giant needle in my stomach - you can say it with me - I don't feel like it's over.
I saw a girl on one of the morning shows the other day - she's a nurse that was diagnosed with breast cancer... she started a blog... the silver pen. She had something on there today for National Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day. Sometimes I can literally see myself in the hospital at the pay phone 19 years ago. It was on the right side of the hall. I remember, clear as anything, calling Tara and telling her my mother had two weeks. I remember her asking me 2 weeks for what? I said to live. Her breast cancer, even after it was "gone," came back and went to bone and brain... I think that will always play in my mind.
I was diagnosed at 41 years old - the same age as my mother. 8 years later she was dead - even after the 5 year NED (no evidence of disease.) My therapist asked me the other day if I was a fatalist. If I thought I would end up like my mother. I told him the thought crosses my mind from time to time, especially now, but not really. I said that, honestly, I'm more concerned about living longer... like the women in the nursing home. That may be more of a death sentence to me than the other option. We'll save that issue for another day, though.
I guess, after all that, what I'm trying to say is I'm fully aware that my Stage 2b IDC and DCIS, ER+/PR+, HER2-, 1/2 node positive cancer could have been worse. Way worse. Thankfully, it wasn't.
Just remember, friends, it could have been better, too.
Regardless... it's not over.
Just making you aware of that.
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