Monday, September 5, 2011


{Just got home a little over an hour ago and I don't feel like downloading my camera so DC photos will have to wait until tomorrow - we worked our butts off and laughed them off too! It was fun but it's good to be home - well as "home" as it gets. It's good to see my PUPPY! I still always get a little sad because David and I would have had just as much fun too - and that is going to take a long time to get over... anyway I was thinking of this driving home from Chrissy's tonight.}
He's not really big on it but, on occasion, I ask for assignments from my therapist anyway - it's kind of our little joke... last week he wanted me to think about my life without my husband and what it would look like. I told him that was kind of stupid because I could have answered that right then but I'd do it anyway... we talked a little about it on thursday. I'm going to elaborate on it now.

Truthfully, I don't see my life - well myself - much different than it is now... I'm not going to join the circus or create a new persona. I am happy with who I am no matter who else thinks otherwise. I was never held back from doing anything I wanted to do. Though, sometimes, I think I would like to try rock climbing but I could have done that married. ;-) I just mean, I've always been who and how I am and I'm good with it - really.

I need to figure out what I can do as far as working and when I do I'll need to look for a house. It's very difficult where I am now. This was my home but it's not now. I can't see myself living in a townhouse though sometimes I think it would be nice because there are people around. I just don't think it's me. It does scare me to think about living alone but I know I can do it. I'll have an alarm and maybe get a gun. I'll still be afraid of the dark. ;-) I can picture a little house - white - with all my stuff - all my favorite things... There will be flowers and shoes and junk outside. I'll need a fence. I'll have one (or two or three!) mantles which I miss so much. I wish for sidewalks again and a tree lined street.

I hope to be organized and able to find something when I need it instead of having to re-buy because I can't get to it! I will probably fail miserably at that task but I would like to try. I want a garage that I can actually park in because I dread cleaning the snow off my car - especially if I'm running late for work. I'd like a used range rover in that garage... just saying.

There is no one I want to be with other than David at this time... I guess that feeling will go away and someone new may come in. I can't picture that now but maybe - I don't know. I'm sure the photos and things from my past will be close by - probably binned but near so I can look through them from time to time and remember.

I'll probably work constantly so I can come up with enough money to hopefully adopt - probably around 45 or so. I can't see myself really settled before then. I don't like the idea of being a single mother but I'll have no choice. I am still hoping for the Little Miss Liberty round crib that I've wanted for so many years now... every day that goes by I know that is further out of reach - Because of my age, chances are I'll never be able to adopt an infant and will have to take a toddler - the babies will go to the young ones and married couples - so I'll probably go straight to a bed. That will always make me sad. I still have a fondness for crib bedding.

Glo will more than likely be gone by then. Maybe my Dad too. I guess Lily will be around 7 so hopefully she'll still be by my side and we'll go for rides and snuggle on the couch and she'll lick away my tears when I cry. I still hope to have my stroller on the porch like I would see when I would pass all the houses I used to walk by but I don't know how I'll go for walks with one and a dog on a leash!

I'll resent my ex husband because, now, I'll have to get a "real job" to pay the bills and health insurance. I won't be fulfilled because of it. I'm not going to be happy because I now have a group of work people to go to happy hour with. I'll be annoyed because what would have fulfilled me was to create a family, some way, with the man I married - for better or worse - the one I love - what I thought we were doing right before he left.

I'll hate having to put my child in daycare... I'll be the mom that brings in the best treats for parties and I'll send out spectacular Christmas cards that I'll obsess about for months - well, who am I kidding? I'll only get to them the second week of December and hope everyone gets them before the holiday. No - I'll send out New Year's cards like Lily's first one... I'll love and embrace my lateness. I'll be that girl... The New Year's card girl. ;-)

I'll still want to be this indie artist that I know is inside of me and I'll try to do it on the weekends but be too tired from working and days will turn into months and months will turn into years and I'll have a lot of art on my walls - it will be fabulous but it will just be for me. I'll take way too many photographs and document every detail of my life. I'll make lists and lose them and make them again.

I'll still hate doing laundry. I'll forget to get gas in my car. I'll take naps and have too many magazines piled up to read some day. I'll still have the parties and host the Christmas dinners and put all the fall festivals on my calendar. I'll buy the gifts for everyone as I see them and put them away and forget where they are.

I hope by then I'll be able to watch HGTV again... that sounds stupid, I know. I just can't do it as much as I used to. It all makes me too sad. I think of the care and detail and the time we put into Dixon House and how we let it all fall apart. Those walls and floors and cloud painted ceilings were all a part of me and now - lost - like so many other things in my life.

I'll have fits and be mad at my self for having a failed marriage and then I'll go make mashed potatoes and decide I'm better off without him. I'll know what could have been, though, if we only tried - together - and no amount of mashed potatoes will make that go away...

I think I'll keep this topic open for awhile and add to it from time to time... my thoughts are all running together and I'm a mess now. Anyway, I'll get back to this later - my point is I think it's safe to say my life will be what it was always going to be - just without him.... and that sucks. ;-(

photos tomorrow... the pup and I are going to snuggle.

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