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LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE

Lily did not like it much last night...

I kept her up with the light on until the wee hours of the morning... I had a bunch of stuff to fill out and I had to get all my notes together for the doctor today... it was a little difficult to go through everything - some things I completely forgot about... it's funny what you remember and what you don't remember - or choose not to.

I never in a million years thought I would be at the doctors looking at things like this...

And never in a million years did I think I would be there alone...  it was kind of strange.  The office was full of couples - all with that same "look." Scared...  Hopeful... Frustrated... Excited... The guy that checked me in asked if there was a "male partner" in the picture.  I laughed and thought - I didn't even pick up a things to do in the gayborhood brochure so why are you asking me that? - but it was a perfectly legitimate question.

As the nurse was walking me back to the exam room, I felt a little strange and questioned what I was actually doing there... if I should just let sleeping dogs lie. Was this something I would be doing now if I didn't have cancer? Whould I be doing this now if my husband was there? How am I going to pay for this? I thought about telling her that I changed my mind and then run out as fast as I could.  She opened the door and I looked at the exam table and saw the disposable paper liner - with rosebuds on it - and decided to stay. ;-)

The doctor couldn't have been nicer but I'm a little overwhelmed with everything. I really thought he  was just going to tell me to forget about it... he didn't. We went over a ton of stuff... a lot depends on what happens in the next few weeks... lymph nodes, chemo, treatment plan, etc...  Today just so happened to be Cycle Day 3... the perfect day for blood work.  They were trying to be as optimistic as they could and said that was a really good sign. So I followed the nurse again down another hall and waited to have my blood drawn - Scared...Hopeful... Frustrated... and Excited.