Today was not a good day to drive to the procedure myself. ;-( I should have known better. Had a little meltdown in more ways than one. I guess I'll start from the beginning... I gave myself a lot of time... I'm glad I did because they were tar and feathering Sandy Creek and there was a ton of traffic.
I wanted to be early because I got to Magee on Monday and couldn't find a parking space... the outside lot is where the tall cars are supposed to park so I like to go there... I gave up (because I was running late) and parked in the employee lot and was a nervous wreck that I was going to get towed... Well, SAME thing today... A poor unfortunate parking guy was unlucky enough to be passing by - he told me to park in the employee lot again after I told him how crazy it was that you can never get a parking space here because all these little cars are taking it all up! I wrote a note this time and left it on the dashboard... We'll get back to the parking situation later...
I was walking in and I got a call from Debbie - she surprised me and was in the lobby. ;-) Perfect timing, because honestly I was feeling a little frazzled. Driving there - all I could hear were the words "I can't take care of you anymore, Jeannine" over and over... I don't know if it was because I was feeling all alone or just wanted my husband there... it was just a constant sound in the back of my head and it made matters worse and things very sad. Anyway, Debbie stayed with me until they brought me back and they did the radioactive seed localization.. it wasn't without issues though. It was the same radiologist from the biopsy and he remembered me so that was nice... they did TWO which I was a little surprised about - they did it in the atypical cell part and then the cancer part... one went smoothly - the other not so much... I put up a good front but it was killing me... the four of them (2 dr and 2 techs) worked their butts off to get everything right but it consisted of probably 20+ mammogram views - full compression and then some - I was in every position possible... the bad part is in way deep and far back so it's hard to get a good view... and they did it all standing up - the seeds too - which they said was unusual... I really wanted to walk out. I was in for about an hour and a half but it was a lot to take. When I started seeing the blood dripping all over my shoes I was done. Not because of the blood - just the whole thing. I'm not sure how much I can take if something else is found or goes wrong. I'm a really good patient and do what I'm told...at this point (funny because I didn't really start) I'm already done. I'm committed now because the seeds have to come out - after that, I'm thinking I'll take my chances.
I got into an argument with Barbie tonight... she said I sounded like I was giving up - which I'm not in ANY way shape or form. You all may thing I'm little miss doomsday but I'm the most hopeful person I know. If this is another test, though - I'm done with them. Let someone else be tested. I'm just saying - I've done the everything will be fine thing and lost my marriage and my home and my chances of having a baby... every time I walked into a dr appointment I thought this would be it and it didn't happen... so I know that sometimes things DON'T work out and it's possible that this will not work out either. IF SO, and big IF... I may or may not CHOOSE to be done - completely. I would much rather die of this than live with it... if that makes any sense. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life going to doctor's appointments. Call it whatever you like but I think I have every right to question - WHY ME? After everything else... now this? I think anyone would. Acting like it's all good doesn't really make me feel better or make it any easier. Hard to explain and honestly getting aggravated again so I'm done with that too. I'm hoping for the best but prepared that it may not be all rosey. Hence my pic title yesterday... Take time to stop and smell the dandelions.
It's funny - the last couple appointments with the fertility doctor and the pre-op clearance... the dr and nurses said I was in for a long road... and it won't be easy. I was like whatev... you don't know me - I'll be fine. I always am. As I was driving in this morning, things were different. I think I started down "the road" today.
To make matters worse - after the procedure, I walk to the parking lot and see a car blocking me in. I tried a couple times but there was no way I was going to be able to back out myself ever let alone with what they just did...so I hunted some people down and they got me out...it took them ten minutes so I probably would have still been there!
I have so much more to say... I have some posts scheduled in case something happens... I have some notes around the house too... and some lists... never finished what I wanted to but I guess that's the story of my life. Why change now? I have to do some laundry and pay some bills and get ready for tomorrow - morning is going to come quick. So wish me luck and whatever else you see fit.
Love, J
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