Thursday, June 2, 2011


ALL BY MYSELF... don't wanna be - all by myself... anymore.

I'm a little depressed tonight.
I went to a fertility clinic for an open house... wanted to see what my options were and to get back on track with what I've been trying to do. There were a lot of newbies. You could tell they were uneasy and scared and excited. Everyone was paired up - all walking around hand in hand.
I, of course, was all by myself - uneasy and scared and excited... I was uncomfortable being alone. You wouldn't have known it, though. I walked in there like I owned the place. In fact, I had to stop myself and just let them show me around and tell me what they did where. I think I could have probably done the tour myself. The place was really nice. They had a bunch of other people there... a social worker well versed in fertility issues, a really young life coach talking about reiki and family constellations, acupuncturists - Sydnie and Jessica who I always wanted to meet. They were really nice girls - they knew Mo. I really liked the yoga girl too - she was telling me about the Pulling Down the Moon group (from Chicago) and their book she had as part of her presentation - which I have (because I have everything!) I told her I was very familiar with them and she was excited to meet someone that knew about it so we talked for awhile.

Every couple and I had our own escort - someone that worked there - and we went room by room looking at the whole practice, the labs, operating rooms, etc... Then it was time to talk to the doctors...I thought about making up some story that my husband was out of town on business - in Bangkok or somewhere exciting... and was sorry he couldn't make it. Then I thought that would be a lot of explainging to do if I came back looking for donors so I just told the truth.... my husband and I struggled for many years trying to get pregnant... I've done fertility treatments, acupuncture, inseminations, injections, etc... and only been successful a few times - none resulted in a live birth. He decided he no longer wanted to be married and left me the morning of our third miscarriage, a month after his mom passed away and here I am now - almost 41... Help me have a baby with no money, no husband and, more than likely, no viable eggs. It wasn't necessarily a soft sell.

After the tour, I talked to two of the doctors for about 20 minutes... of course I got the same song and dance. Age, past failures, stress, etc... If you can afford it - perfect candidate for IVF. If you can't - try to do it the old fashioned way - find a friend, save some money and hope for the best... you are wasting time and running out of time! Well, they are truthful!! By the end we were just joking because there was nothing else we could do. They were worried about stress and how this would add to it. They questioned if I could make it through another loss? I questioned if I could make it through giving up after all of this. I had one of the coordinators in tears.

I walked out and got in the car the same way I got out of it. Not really knowing what the hell I was going to do! I pulled out of the parking lot and didn't know what to do with myself. I just drove around for awhile. I was driving down 22 and saw this guy and what I thought was a pony following behind him - it ended up being two dogs. I even turned around and went by again and was going to stop if I could but there were too many cars everywhere and I didn't want to scare the dogs. I took a really bad picture of them.
I wish I would have stopped to talk to them. I came home and googled it and found out it was Michael Walks America. Needless to say, from what went down at the open house and seeing those dogs walking on that crazy road, I came in the house with my eyes all puffy!

I wanted to just put on my after school clothes and lay under a blanket on the couch with my puppy and sit there by the light of the christmas tree... I just can't seem to do that here. ;-(

I think I'm calling it a night.

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