Saturday, June 4, 2011


I had a really bad night last night. I couldn't get comfortable - couldn't sleep at all... all that kept going through my head were cycle days and charts and all the stupid handouts and literature I started reading from the night before - I figured I was going to open a whole other can of worms by going there. I think I did. I started looking for some books and folders I had boxed up downstairs so I have that a complete mess again down there...I had the worst headache I think I've had in a long time. I thought I was going to have to call poison control because I kept taking all kinds of pills and nothing was working. At one point I didn't even know what I took so I kind of freaked myself out. Sadly, my headache still hasn't gone away.

I asked one of the doctors about donor embryos which I thought would have been an option but it turns out she said that the good programs are just as strict as adoption and the chances of doing that not married are slim to none. She said there was a lesbian couple that got turned down and they were devastated... she hasn't been recommending it to many. I don't know if she was trying to sway me away from it because it's a third party service (they don't actually do it) or she was telling me the truth but I started going into a panic thinking about it - needless to say I got a little numb... in all senses of the word.

Every brochure and article I read was the same thing... Same talk about how hard this is and how it is a life crisis for everyone involved yet "Infertility is a loss that couples share, but women mourn it differently. "It's the woman's body that sustains the pregnancy, delivers the baby, nurses the baby, and little girls are socialized from their youngest years to anticipate motherhood as an integral part of their lives..." I actually got that link for the article online in an email I got around mother's day. I guess we all have the same email subscriptions! The therapist had it printed out for everyone. I kind of wanted to tear everything up and throw it away but I just piled it all up to bring down with the rest of it... I'm just really confused - in so many ways.

And, of course, I got my period. ;-) I'm sure that made things worse. A therapist once told me that I didn't realize the effect of all of it and how even hormonally things came into play. There was no recovery period in between - just this roller coaster that kept going. I think she was right. I'm just having a hard time getting off the ride now.

I've always known what my shower favors would be... little baby shoes filled with flowers or my favorite - hens and chicks. ;-) For those of you that only know me as the crazy pug girl... I'm also the crazy plants in shoes girl as well. I couldn't find a photo of little ones but here's one of a big pair.
Somewhere in a bin in the garage of Dixon House are about a dozen pairs of baby shoes I started collecting from junk stores and yard sales... they've been sitting there waiting to be filled. Somewhere else in that house is a bunch of stuff collected through the years... a piglet frame to put your sonogram picture in... some outfits, books, pig stuff... and somewhere else boxes holding discharge papers and genetics results and random pictures like this - the caller id from one of the times my doctor called to say congratulations...
I'm big on documenting random shit if you haven't figured that out yet. Check out the time she called too. My mother's "number." Stupid things that at the time were the start of a lifetime of memories and now - they're kind of meaningless.

Yet they're all I have.

I need a hug or a kiss from my puppy or someone to bitch slap me out of this... or maybe some mashed potatoes! That may help. ;-)

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