152/365

LILY GRAHAMS

I felt like I was totally unprepared for today...I didn't wash my sheets and try to minimize the dog hair the night before like last time... I never vacuumed...I think there are still clothes in the washer... I didn't have a pork chop and applesauce last meal...It all kind of just snuck up on me! I had less than three hours sleep last night. The Bud cooperated and went right outside this morning... I had to kiss her a thousand times at the bottom of the steps and go back up to find my airplane traveling locket with both Buds pics and talk to Paul and tap Gypsy and RoseBud's urns... all the neurotic, OCD things I do! Somehow, we made it out of here early. It was a very weird ride... I don't remember the last one at all. Maybe Chrissy distracted me. I feel like I noticed every little thing around me this time...  

The Dad didn't have his seatbelt on which pissed me off to no end.  Not sure if I ever discussed that - BIG argument a few weeks ago...told him it was rude and inconsiderate.  I put my dog in a seat belt for HER safety and MINE if she goes flying into me in an accident.  I don't want his big ass head flying into me either so I told him if he refuses to wear one with me he can drive himself when we go somewhere.  Caveat this morning... HE was driving - so I didn't say anything. Well, you know me - I said something but didn't push the issue.

We left the house at 5:09 am and got to Magee at 5:25... there were 15 surgeries scheduled for 7:30.

We were in a different section of the pre-op this time - there were no other rooms across from us so The Dad didn't have anything else to focus on (though he tried.)  He was pretty observant too. He asked if I got those things in my hair (highlights) - said they looked nice. ;-) Then he fell asleep. So I was there for awhile just looking at the four walls - well, three walls and a curtain.

I had a really nice young nurse who also had the same thing done and went and found me her favorite ice packs to use after... she said they usually don't give them out for some reason so she put them in my clothes bag...  I did get my period and had to wear those pretty disposable panties they gave me.... I went in the bathroom and was mad I didn't have my phone to take a picture.  You know you take way too many pictures of random things when something like that upsets you! ;-)  Anyway, these fit more like boy shorts on me this time and honestly, I looked super cute in them...would have been great beach shorts besides being mesh and see through, that is. I took a picture of them when I got back to the house.

Uncle Tony got there while I was still waiting to be taken back...I had to yell at him and The Dad for being a little rowdy a couple times - at one point I had to tell them to HUSH because they were so loud  I couldn't even hear the anesthesiologist talking to me.  They brought me back at 7:05am and we rounded the corner and they gave me something in my IV... I felt like I was getting a little drowsy but remember entering the OR and scooting myself over to the operating room table. That was it. Next thing I know I was in recovery and it was 9:09am.  They told me I was already there for an hour and would be going to step down soon. I kind of wish I could have stayed there for a couple days to catch up on some sleep! I liked hearing them trying to wake everyone up. I was in a lot more pain than I was last time - maybe because I was more aware with the twilight...

The Dad brought me back and ran to the store for some banana popsicles -  he thinks banana popsicles cure all ails. So do I. though. He got pretzels and ginger ale too.  Which I found on the table when I got up to pee.

He left it there and got the hell out of dodge and went to work and left me all alone!

I dragged my little table in next to the bed and put all my life line supplies there - my laptop and phones, and water, etc...  including the graham crackers I brought home from the hospital...

Lily stared them down for about 15 minutes. She never touched them or went after them... She finally gave up -  exhausted and defeated and pushed me over to the middle of the bed to assume her position right by my side...

...and with two simultaneous sighs - we both went to sleep. 

Later, she woke me up to eat those graham crackers!   Love The Bud.

151/365

THIS LITTLE PIGGY
I was informed this morning that a little piggy was loose on the Parkway!  Did he really have a scarf on?  I wonder if it was our old neighbor pug Sosueme's piglet sibling?!?!? I think they moved to the East, though, so probably not.

It's funny, I've been thinking about all my this little piggy figurines lately... more that place - a hardware store, I think, where we got a lot of them on sale and all the displays...not sure if it was McMurray or somewhere out there. Waterdam maybe... there was a bean pot restaurant across the street??? I know that's been gone. These random places and events keep coming to mind... not sure why.  Maybe I'll get to that some day.  I've been keeping a list.

I really need to get to bed... busy day today... Chrissy picked me up and we went to pick up some auction items she won and said hi to some young boys...

Then we went to Glo's and fixed her pills for the next few weeks and the three of us went to lunch at the Cornerstone.

She dropped me off at Sandy's to get my hair washed and flat ironed..  I still can't use my one arm that well so I needed some help! Aunt Jeannie wouldn't have wanted me to go to the hospital with dirty hair! That was the extent of me being prepared for tomorrow.  I still need to pack my bag and take a shower. I really wanted to be in bed by now but no such luck... so I think it's time to shut everything down and get to business.  Morning will be here soon and I want to snuggle with the puppy for awhile.

I guess I should document this pic for today... a family photo - of sorts.

Send good thoughts my way tomorrow morning... love to all ~ J

150/365

TOT (TEN ON TUESDAY) Thoughts in my head...

1. Shit, It's already Tuesday!

2. I am 17 weeks behind on LifeBook.  Yes - 17!!! I really need to make some room down there and find all my supplies and see if I can catch up!

3. Carey and I made indoor superburner smores last night when we couldn't get the grill to cooperate. Neither one of us were girl scouts and it shows. ;-)

4. I can't believe I haven't put flowers up at the cemetery since Christmas!  Not even on Mother's Day! Terrible terrible terrible.  I did a drive by before the surgery but that was it. I really need to get up there.

5. I've been talking to the doctor all weekend.. my incision opened and now she doesn't know if we can do the second surgery... I really don't think I should be the one to make the call on whether or not it's infected. Is the universe telling me not to do this?????

6. I feel like I'm going to get my period now too... so if we do the re-excision I'm probably going to have to wear those paper panties! Yay!

7. I think I want to see this movie - Seeking a Friend for the End of the World... trailer here.

8. Goal for next week: go get flowers to plant in the pots... I really miss being out in the yard.  It's still not the same here but I miss digging in the dirt.

9. Put the damn camera down and pick me up!  Sorry, Pup.  Not yet.

10. Kelly Rae Roberts recently did a repost of one of her posts from september 2010 - which I remember... for some reason I kept it on my desktop... I liked the other birds squeaking and cheering the knocked out one on... I went to get the mail this morning and there was too much in the box.. I had to go outside and get it from there instead of struggling while holding the door open with one foot and reaching out... not very comfortable - especially now! Anyway, I didn't notice anything - came back in - looked at the mail - by this time Lily was at the door looking out... that's when I saw it.

I thought maybe it was just knocked out but as I got closer it wasn't. It looked like it was going to storm too so I tried to dig a hole in the back but couldn't - I was afraid I was going to tumble down the hill...   Lily and I sat by the door and said the Hail Mary and sang Rockin' Robin (I couldn't think of any other bird songs!) and I got a big dustpan and brought him to the back and put him there.

This isn't my first dead animal post... poor chipmunk and poor bunny come to mind. I think there may be more.  I turned him over and there was no blood so not sure if he died of natural causes or a cat got him or he fell from a nest???  I don't know if this was an offering or a sacrifice or a sign of what's to come.  I think we all know what a dead bird at your doorstep means.  Rest in peace your little birdie soul.

... every little swallow, every chick-a-dee... every little bird in the tall oak tree... the wise old owl, the big black crow, flappin' their wings singing go bird go...

149/365

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY

148/365

SHOP TILL YOU DROP
I was paying bills this morning and saw a couple fraudulent charges on one of my statements... I looked at my account online and saw another one... I went through the previous statements and discovered that these charges have been going on, monthly, since DECEMBER! Ok, so I'm not very observant

Anyway, it's being looked into - but, in the meantime, the guy on the phone had a question for me...

So, are all these Amazon and Etsy charges fraudulent too? 

No, sadly, they are all mine, I said! Nothing like being called out on my spending habits by the account representative.  ;-)

147/365

THINK FOR YOURSELF

Few are those who see with your own eyes and feel with their own hearts. ~ Albert Einstein
--------------------
boob update: blood in my bra! Had to call the Dr. tonight and tell her "I told you so" (see yesterday's post) -  the steri strips weren't ready to come off yet!!! ;-) 

146/365

BREAST CASE SCENERIO

My doctor definitely has a sense of humor... and deserves a medal for putting up with the three of us today.

J: My appointment was really for NEXT week... are you SURE you should be taking those (steri strips) off NOW?

Dr. B: Umm... NO - I'm not sure (sarcastically) as she rips them off. ;-)

Note to self: Don't question the doctor - she knows what she's doing.

Not sure I should have agreed to do this re-excision... margins were negative... some doctors would say we're done...are we just looking for trouble??? Best case - pathology all clear... worst case - find more... then "we talk" (mastectomy.)  Uggh... Confused. Father Tom did say to trust... maybe it was for this??? IDK... going to bed - braless!

145/365

"OH MY EFFING G. NO.WAY."
I'm not a good tv watcher.  I have multiple tvs on at one time but I rarely just sit and watch something - if I do, I'm typically doing something else along with it.  Since I'm unable to drive for awhile and home bound, I was kind of looking forward to just sitting and doing nothing for once.  That didn't happen as planned.  Cara made me dvr the Sherlock series - watched the first one which was good but I never made it through the others yet. Can't stay focused enough with it. I did make it through all of the new GIRLS show on HBO which is more my demographic.  The "up and comers" (as well as the "on their way outs") are totally my peeps. So if you are around 25 or 75 I'm with you. My generation - the 40+ year olds that whine about the life they chose to live not turning out as expected - really put me off these days.  Anyway, love, love, love the show. You should watch it.

Speaking of up and comers... I got the most adorable card and note in the mail... I reached in the mailbox and pulled it out and saw a State College return address... for a brief second I was transported back to 1989 getting mail from there. Kind of weird.  Anyway, how cute is this little puggy with the boo boo on his leg?

Thanks, Grace. ;-)

144/365

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS OUT... THEY PULL ME BACK IN.

I guess the doctor could have said that the margins were not clear at all and both lymph nodes she removed were positive.  That would have been the worst case in my situation.

 It was almost that bad...

One of the lymph nodes was positive and the margins were "close." So, back next week to do this all again.

Maybe...

Really didn't expect this.

143/365

TOT - TEN ON TUESDAY (surgery stuff)

1. I was here a couple times before but only had twilight - not general anesthesia - so I was a little concerned. One of the doctors gave me the old "safer than riding in an airplane or a car" speech. I still wasn't buying it.

2. I made arrangements on Mother's Day with Lizzie...  I told her I wasn't sure if I should have my childhood teddy bear Paul buried with me if anything happened.  Lizzie promised me she would watch him if need be and he would live with her bear, Bob, per my request.  He hasn't been living in DC - so when she brought him downstairs to put in the car to take back with her I questioned if it was a sign. Hello, Bob.

BTW - Paul Bear - who the hell let me name my bear that? Really? No one put the sound of that together?!?   ;-)

3.The Dad finally decided to go to the surgery... he drove himself in case they "needed him at work" or "the dog needed him."  I don't know if he secretly taught her to dial the phone or what - didn't matter - he ended up forgetting his phone anyway. He was (annoyingly) intrigued by everyone else in the pre-op holding tank... talked to all the nurses (especially the one that looked like Kelly Clarkson) and there was a woman prisoner - in shackles - across from me with two armed guards... That kept him busy for awhile.

4. I was watching QVC while they put my IV in... best IV placement ever. I questioned whether it was actually in at all.

5. It's impossible to type on this desk.  Still can't lift my arm that high... I am now typing with one hand. I never took the pain medicine they gave me - just tylenol. Don't really want to start now. I shouldn't complain b/c I think I once saw a girl who had NO arms on one of those night time entertainment shows and she did the dishes and changed her baby's diaper with her feet... I'm assuming I could have it worse but it was very difficult to wash my hair with one arm.  Just saying.

6. YUM!  Thanks Stephen and Sue!

And Gina and Joanna!

7. The Dad has officially had it. It lasted about 24 hours - he took the dog out, made dinner and folded towels. He's over it already.  I sent him to the store last night with a pretty big list.  He probably hasn't done that much shopping at one time ever. He came back and all he said was never again.

8. After the seed placement - the day before surgery... I went to Giant Eagle to get stuff for dinner... it was funny - I was back (almost 2 months later) at the same parking lot where I got the call telling me the results from the original biopsy.  Now I was there planning what could have been my last meal.  There really was no question as to what it would be.  None.  PORKCHOPS AND APPLESAUCE.  My fave. ;-)

9. I was stopped at a light on my way to the store and looked down and saw this and made a wish. 

10. Lily's favorite spot to sleep is right next to me in my arm... I haven't been letting her do that so she is now hunkering down right between my legs.  At least one of us is comfortable! True Companion = Little Miss Lily Bud.

YOU BETTER SHAPE UP

There are these really simple exercises I'm supposed to be doing... I watched the dvd last night and I was surprised at how much I couldn't do!  I thought I was moving my arm pretty well but I guess not. I didn't have one of those squeezy balls so I'm using one of Lily's fish toys... Every time she sees me with it she starts wagging her tail because she thinks we're going to play!

141/365

BREAST FRIENDS FOREVER
I don't think I ever posted this picture of The Milk Truck... it's from awhile ago - outside an event at Bakery Square. ;-) 

By my last count, I have 67 pictures of my boobs in Photo Booth on my laptop - during every stage of this whole thing... prior to, during, bruised, battered, taped, stitched... I'm thinking of making one of those little old timey flip books of all the photos. It's still kind of hard to believe I left the house on Thursday around 5AM and was back in bed before noon.  It's all a little crazy.

Lily Bud has been a good little nurse.  I only got one HRRUMMPH when I told her she couldn't lay in my arm the first night. She didn't like it much but she adjusted. If  I could just get her a little ladder  to get me ice out of the freezer we would be good!

140/365

REST IN PEACE, VINNIE
You were Lily's first big dog friend.  We'll miss you, Vinnie. ;-(

139/365

COMFY DOG
I'm having a hard time getting comfortable and just want to go to sleep!  Lily, on the other hand, can get comfy anywhere...

... and has had no trouble sleeping! :-)

138/365

BACK FROM SURGERY... I'M ALIVE

137/365

NOT A GOOD DAY

Today was not a good day to drive to the procedure myself. ;-(  I should have known better.  Had a little meltdown in more ways than one.  I guess I'll start from the beginning... I gave myself a lot of time... I'm glad I did because they were tar and feathering Sandy Creek and there was a ton of traffic.

I wanted to be early because I got to Magee on Monday and couldn't find a parking space... the outside lot is where the tall cars are supposed to park so I like to go there... I gave up (because I was running late) and parked in the employee lot and was a nervous wreck that I was going to get towed... Well, SAME thing today... A poor unfortunate parking guy was unlucky enough to be passing by - he told me to park in the employee lot again after I told him how crazy it was that you can never get a parking space here because all these little cars are taking it all up!  I wrote a note this time and left it on the dashboard...  We'll get back to the parking situation later...

I was walking in and I got a call from Debbie - she surprised me and was in the lobby. ;-)  Perfect timing, because honestly I was feeling a little frazzled.  Driving there - all I could hear were the words "I can't take care of you anymore, Jeannine" over and over... I don't know if it was because I was feeling all alone or just wanted my husband there... it was just a constant sound in the back of my head and it made matters worse and things very sad. Anyway, Debbie stayed with me until they brought me back and they did the radioactive seed localization.. it wasn't without issues though.  It was the same radiologist from the biopsy and he remembered me so that was nice... they did TWO which I was a little surprised about - they did it in the atypical cell part and then the cancer part... one went smoothly - the other not so much... I put up a good front but it was killing me... the four of them (2 dr and 2 techs) worked their butts off to get everything right but it consisted of probably 20+ mammogram views - full compression and then some - I was in every position possible... the bad part is in way deep and far back so it's hard to get a good view... and they did it all standing up - the seeds too - which they said was unusual... I really wanted to walk out. I was in for about an hour and a half but it was a lot to take.  When I started seeing the blood dripping all over my shoes I was done.  Not because of the blood - just the whole thing.  I'm not sure how much I can take if something else is found or goes wrong. I'm a really good patient and do what I'm told...at this point (funny because I didn't really start) I'm already done.  I'm committed now because the seeds have to come out - after that, I'm thinking I'll take my chances.

I got into an argument with Barbie tonight... she said I sounded like I was giving up - which I'm not in ANY way shape or form.  You all may thing I'm little miss doomsday but I'm the most hopeful person I know. If this is another test, though - I'm done with them. Let someone else be tested. I'm just saying - I've done the everything will be fine thing and lost my marriage and my home and my chances of having a baby... every time I walked into a dr appointment I thought this would be it and it didn't happen... so I know that sometimes things DON'T work out and it's possible that this will not work out either.  IF SO, and big IF... I may or may not CHOOSE to be done - completely.  I would much rather die of this than live with it... if that makes any sense. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life going to doctor's appointments. Call it whatever you like but I think I have every right to question - WHY ME?  After everything else... now this? I think anyone would.  Acting like it's all good doesn't really make me feel better or make it any easier.  Hard to explain and honestly getting aggravated again so I'm done with that too.  I'm hoping for the best but prepared that it may not be all rosey.  Hence my pic title yesterday... Take time to stop and smell the dandelions.

It's funny - the last couple appointments with the fertility doctor and the pre-op clearance... the dr and nurses said I was in for a long road... and it won't be easy.  I was like whatev... you don't know me - I'll be fine.  I always am. As I was driving in this morning, things were different. I think I started down "the road" today.

To make matters worse - after the procedure,  I walk to the parking lot and see a car blocking me in.  I tried a couple times but there was no way I was going to be able to back out myself ever let alone with what they just did...so I hunted some people down and they got me out...it took them ten minutes so I probably would have still been there!

I have so much more to say... I have some posts scheduled in case something happens... I have some notes around the house too... and some lists... never finished what I wanted to but I guess that's the story of my life.  Why change now?  I have to do some laundry and pay some bills and get ready for tomorrow - morning is going to come quick.  So wish me luck and whatever else you see fit.

Love, J

136/365

TOT - TEN+ ON TUESDAY (King of Prussia edition)

1. Katherine asked if we wanted to go on a road trip and take her and Lauren to a concert in Upper Darby, PA.

I debated for about one second since it was so close to surgery week but other than that - no arms were twisted in the making of this trip. We decided to stay in King of Prussia - we were familiar with it and it is wasn't in "ho-ville" - as Chrissy called the other areas  - plus then we had to go shopping.  Had to.

2. I got some fun things at the mall... a carved face eye glass holder for my dad b/c he's always losing his glasses... a space pen for me... a cookie jar for the bud.  She has a bunch of toys like this that have things inside.. a tree with birds, bees in a hive... she LOVES these cookies!


3. I wanted to stop in Bass Pro on our way down and say hi to the fishy but we were under time constraints.  Turns out my GPS was set to avoid traffic - which was fine with me... I'd much rather take the back roads than the highway.

Katherine had us cracking up and said it was set to "Life Experiences."  We wouldn't have all the stories we had if it was set differently.  When we ended up in the ghetto I told Chrissy we just had to act like we knew where we were and to remember that the priest told me to "trust" so maybe it was for directions... she didn't agree and didn't like that I kept putting the window down to take pictures of random street art and other things that caught my fancy.

She did, however, act like she knew where she was when the "GPS Bitch" brought us into a new (giant) townhouse development and we drove for miles until the street just ended. We all were about ready to pee our pants from laughing so hard.  She kept screaming you told me to trust and act like I knew where I was!

4. The original plan was to go into Philadelphia all day Saturday and have adventures there but the girls wanted to do more shopping... so they missed out on seeing the town. ;-(


5.  I think I totally could have stayed in the room all weekend... love the Hyatt Place rooms with the spinnable tv to the beds on one side and the lounge on the other...


6. We dropped the girls off for the show and drove to The Piazza in Northern Liberties.  NoLibs! Our route was a little sketchy but once we started seeing the outdoor seating we knew we were ok.  Chrissy is a pro at backing into the good parking spots on the trendy streets of this land. "We are so urban." ;-)  Went to Darling's Diner.  Best Hot Turkey Sandwich ever.  Seriously. Ever.


7. Come hell or high water - I was going to go to Wegman's... I was reminiscing about all the grocery stores I've been too.. a lot were in that area on visits to the Turnpike/Harrisburg, etc... (BTW - Harrisburg, Hershey, Gettysburg - still up there for my favorite places.) I would love when David would go to a meeting and I would scout out the local grocery store. Anyway, I saw that the Wegman's just opened up in King of Prussia last week so I was super excited... luckily we all had the munchies after we picked the girls up and it was open 24 hours! I heart you, Wegmans!


8. I get silly in the car if I don't eat constantly - silly or I want to fall asleep.  There were some big birds flying above... I called the first one (and every other) I saw EAGLEbert Humperdinck and there just so happened to be a statue in his honor right outside our window...

9. Plus after Chrissy showed me her black and blue mark on her leg - that got christened BRUISE Springsteen... I had Bruce on my mind after seeing this on our way there...

10. Speaking of license plates... this little piggy was near Drexel...

11. Speaking of pigs I got a little chanchito three legged pig from Chili in the 10,000 villages store... (and another in the Chinese store)  let's hope his luck rubs off on me... he was sent to market but he didn't have enough meat on him because he only had three legs... nobody wanted him so he got to live.  I felt a special connection to him.


12. We had a late dinner Friday night and for the meals that the girls and I got they give you another or the same to take home... so we had our leftovers and the take home dinners and two desserts to take back with us - 9 containers!  We actually bought coolers at Wegmans and brought it home and it was just as good.

13. The good thing about being a passenger on a road trip... you can eat mashed potatoes in the car.  Very enjoyable.  ;-)

14. RoadSide America has always been a favorite app of mine and I introduced the girls to it... I was surprised at how many things I've seen all these years... Next time we are using it and not caring how long of a "detour" we take.

It's not the destination - it's the journey (and the "life experiences.")  Good trip.