Monday, February 7, 2011



I think it may be time to talk about the proverbial elephant in the room. One year ago today we conceived our third pregnancy. Yes, I know these things. Remember my love of dates and numbers? I have a yellow folder with YEARS of (now useless) data, numbers, charts, notes, etc... Ironically enough this pregnancy started in the happiest place on earth with what I thought were two willing participants... due on my 40th birthday... we stayed with Dad the night of the funeral and even got the positive test at the house the next morning. The perfect storm, I guess.

I have to say the whole baby thing was a big concern - consuming at times... frustrating at times... something we just brushed under the rug because it was easier at times. We did a lot of hoping for the best - which obviously didn't work out. Bad luck maybe... laziness some times... defeated month after month.

More than one person has told me to give it up recently... that my time is over. I'm done. I tried and it didn't work out so now it's time to forget about it. They said by the time I get settled it will be years from now and not worth it. I know they all mean well and it's probably good advice but it's not that easy to do. With everything in an uproar it's hard to process this but I have to... My obsession with TIME is obviously related to this. I don't know how it couldn't be. Like I said before... the world around us moved on and we stayed stuck in the very same spot just looking around at everything changing all around us. Again, David the eternal optimist trying hard to make it better... and me the realist knowing the truth yet grasping for straws... and we ended up here.

I got some news at my doctor's appointment last week and have to act on some things and I really don't know what to do. I always said that if I had to choose between a baby and him it would always be him. What do I do now, though? I can't help but feel alone again in an already lonely place. Tomorrow turns into next week and next week turns into next month and so on and so on. It's all getting to be too much.

I can probably talk about this for a week so I'll keep this brief for now. Just wanted to document the day.

No comments: