Several months ago, after about the fourth consecutive day of Ted coming home to Lake Ridge to find me with tape in one hand and a Sharpie in the other, I joked with him and told him he could consider me his fifth child or second wife. I didn't care which one he chose. ;-) Riding in the car yesterday, listening to all things Chrissy & Ted, I couldn't help thinking about the many, many craft shows and festivals and day trips we all went on through the years. All of them turned into one big blur and I think it kind of put me in some sort of fog that followed me around for most of the day.
I sat outside on the swing this morning (at 4:30 am) and was thinking about something. (I woke up to Lily Bud whimpering to get off the bed to go potty. Only one time this week I found her in bed herself because I was up too late for her... so she obviously did it on her own then. Other than that she's been crying to get on or off the bed. Still have to figure out what to do about that!) Anyway... I remembered a picture I came across the other day when I was cleaning up Iphoto and was thinking about how Carey and I were never allowed to have boogie boards. Our parents were too afraid they would flip up and hit us in the head and we would sink to our deaths in the middle of the ocean. That's probably, in part, why we are both so neurotic today. ;-)
Katherine was getting a little (pretend) mad that her childhood was being sold at a yard sale back in the summer. I kind of agreed with her. I always thought our kids would be using these boogie boards...
Maybe not these exactly but the ones in the family that were always around. Katherine was saying Chrissy was selling all her kid memories and I agreed because they were my memories too! ;-) It seems like it was just a little while ago that they all were just babies and now they are in college or working or getting married.
I remember picking Christopher and Nicole up on one of their trips to Pittsburgh. They came off the plane all dressed up looking so cute...
...and taking Tony's girls to the zoo when we were just dating.
... all the loud Uno games played with the Murphy kids on hotel beds on our way to the beach.
...the Deasy boys biting my nose.
Even Matthew - all of 9 or 10 - chasing gypsy dog around my pool and playing the Game of Life.
It's not just a husband I lost and a future... it's a family too.
I stopped by the cemetery the other day and looked at the tombstone I sketched out with a name that I thought would always be mine. I know that's not who I am but it is/was a family and a name and an identity of sorts. Lost. That's hard to comprehend sometimes.
I still get teary eyed when I think of a conversation I had with Katherine over a year ago - it was a Facebook chat and, among other things, she said no matter what I'll always be her aunt. About a month ago, that same little girl that would sleep with us when we were on vacation and take a really good photo with her eyes, talked me down from an imaginary bridge I was about to jump off of. Here she was - all grown up giving me advice. Crazy.
I don't even remember what year this was taken but it still cracks me up every time I see it. ;-)
kiss kiss, girl.