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HAPPY FOR YOU - SAD FOR ME

We were in Max and Erma's yesterday sitting almost where we were that night a couple years ago.. it was a typical family dinner night - probably ten or so of us at the table when a friend came over and told us that another friend was expecting twins. I remember David grabbing my hand under the table... telling me it was going to be ok. I knew it would be - but for that instant it wasn't. I'm going to be honest - my heart fell to the ground when I heard those words... Not that I didn't wish them well - because I did it. It just always seemed like a big slap in the face when I found out anyone was pregnant. If that's selfish, forgive me.

The other day I was in Miracle Mile and I sat in my car and was transported back to a different night... it was shortly after our second miscarriage. We were out shopping and still in the car in that same parking lot and my sister-in-law called and told us that she was expecting - she said it was still early but she was excited and wanted to tell everyone. Again I was so happy for her but couldn't help bursting into tears as soon as we got off speakerphone. Our kids would have been around the same age too - our first was a boy and would have been two months younger than her son and the second was a girl and would have been a month older than her daughter. It was always kind of fun (and heartbreaking) to see what could have been. Again, I never wanted to begrudge anyone else - I just wanted something for us. It was never all about having a baby, obviously. I can't say I was completely consumed in it. I would have always chosen my husband over a baby or anything else if I had the choice.

I had to pick Michael up from school one day a couple weeks ago and actually I did it again today. I told him I was going to pretend like he was my real son again - he laughed and played along as I asked him about his day, if he had homework and if he wanted a snack. ;-) Poor thing was probably thinking the whole time that I completely lost it!

I said yesterday that I didn't want to be the woe is me girl but everything is starting to collapse on top of itself day by day. There's just too many things to process. I've been avoiding some doctor's appointments thinking things would get better but it looks like I'm going to have to follow through on everything. My quicksand has turned into a landslide. And, this landslide may just bring me down.

I think I better get to bed while I can - so I'll leave with something that couldn't be any cuter. ;-)