Wednesday, May 18, 2011



I was surprised to hear the one girl do If I Die Young from The Band Perry on Idol tonight. I really like those guys - it's one of the few country albums I have.

Grief and dying have been heavy on mind lately. I'm not a big fan of hers but I heard Shania Twain on The Talk this afternoon talk about all that has happened to her... she was 22 when her mom (at 42) died in a car crash. She was talking about how her mother never got to tell her about herself and that's why she wrote these memoirs for her son in her new book - so he would know her story. I was 23 when my mother died (at 49) so I have a similar feeling of not having enough time with my mother and I look at my father who lost a wife too - and me losing my husband in a way. I know it's not the same but it's still a loss.

I know there's no one to really care what I have to say so I should just suck it up, cut my losses and move on.
Moving on is hard to do. Or is that breaking up is hard to do? I loved Neil Sedaka. ;-) Anyway, I have a hard time leaving out parts of my story just because they don't matter to anyone but me. I need to say "I love you and I don't want a divorce" for me and because I do. It's like I have to say it out loud or on paper - in really cute font, sometimes. ;-) Why do I care? Shania was talking about all she experienced without her mother - wedding, pregnancy, musical success, etc... the questions she has for her that will never be answered directly by her... silly things like recipes she'll never get and advice when her husband left her and ran away with her friend... it all became too much and she literally lost her voice from the culmination of grief. I don't want to lose my voice - figuratively or otherwise.

With everything going on with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver as well, every two minutes they've been showing the obvious Kennedy tragedies and the clip of her talking about her mother's death - "grief cracks your heart into little pieces..." I read this article about Maria and compounded grief and thought it was good. I never thought my mother's death was a problem - I mean besides the obvious and not being here for certain life moments, etc... I do think, though, that these most recent deaths were and still are a problem. I've said it before that we didn't get to grieve together for my mother-in-law's death or the last miscarriage or even the ones before and we never grieved for this marriage. It was one right after the other - not coming up for air at all in between.

I'm sick of dismissing all that has happened and just moving on like nothing else matters. Honestly, I don't know how many more times I can meet at a restaurant to plan the rest of my life. It's a distraction, to say the least, to have a party of 12 seated next to you and an overly friendly waitress ask if you're there to celebrate something special. Honestly, I don't care very much about money (that was never an issue for me) or anything else anymore. Silly, I know. I'm just not sure how much more I can take. I should probably just be happy for what I have and call it a day.
I got a phone call tonight from my Dad's doctor that may change everything. Maybe now is the time to start drinking! I've been collecting some that look good. I've been wanting to try the Seductive Swan for awhile now... it's so pretty. ;-) put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls...

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