I was asked to write something for a fertility site that was celebrating National Fertility Awareness Week awhile ago and I declined. I just didn't feel like dealing with it at the time. I had planned on writing about names for unborn babies... I was thinking about this yesterday again - got to it from a tee shirt, actually! Joe asked Lizzie what was on her shirt - it was a Warhol-esque portrait of Thomas Jefferson she got on our pre-beach vacation stop off trip to Charlottesville. We made a stop at Monticello. She was telling him about it and how much fun we had. I keep coming back to that place a lot... the bear in the woods in the Shenandoah Mountains and the D-Squared and Murphy-Cubed walkie talkie handles and Michael's coming of age when he got his "period" of sorts. And who can forget those big baby head biscuits. ;-) I keep coming back to all these weird places... the stop off at the alligator farm on the way to the airport from the Villages after Downtown Disney... that search for a Burger King on the way to the country living festival... the South Beach trip and the Cheesecake Factory in Sawgrass Mills... just weird, random moments that stop me in my tracks. I don't sleep much but when I do I often come out of it "in" those places but they are all dark and kind of blurry. I'm trying to figure out what that's trying to tell me.
Anyway, back to my story... I know people have different views on whether or not to "name" babies that were never born... some don't want the reminder and would rather pretend like it didn't happen - others want some sense of closure and some sense that what happened was real. Only a few people know this. We named all three miscarriages - which were early (between 10 and just over 12 weeks) but real all the same. We knew the first was a boy so we chose Gabriel (my husband's confirmation name) the second was a girl and David chose Charlotte after a trip we took ourselves to Charlottesville (mmmm - now I can't stop thinking about the pepper jack mac and cheese!) and the third - not being able to get good enough results from the genetic testing, was unknown - so I came up with CJ, Since the pregnancy was surrounded by my MILs illness and death I used the first initials of both of our deceased mothers. Charlotte was always my favorite but not so much anymore - for as special a place as that was it's just a big reminder of the web I'm in now. I'm not going to go into it in order to protect the innocent - though innocent may be the wrong choice of words. Regardless... it all kind of disgusts me now.
I'm cranky tonight. I had a bad day today. RoseBud is out of bones - I'm leaving that in - I mean LILY is out of bones so she is bored. I'm frustrated because I can't move my arm very well. I'm living in a room completely full of clothes, papers, bins, etc... and it's all closing in on me bit by bit. I may have done a bad thing a couple days ago. I sent in my rsvp for an open house for a fertility clinic/program I was thinking about. I debated for a month and finally said yes. I may be adding fuel to a fire that is already burning bright - I just don't know what to do. It's in a couple weeks and, honestly, I don't know if I'm going to make it that long. The thought of me walking in there by myself takes my breath away. Yet I just can't see myself giving up on this - even if it is just for me.