Thursday, May 26, 2011


I posted this before... this is definitely my favorite picture of me and my dad... in Wildwood, NJ at the Caprice. I don't know 1976 or so. It was the first time I swam MYSELF all the way to 8 1/2 feet. I was a little fish when I was little. I was just thinking about my dog Pepper floating in her little canoe while I would swim in our pool - morning, noon and night. I think I would have slept in there if I could have and if we didn't have all those Japanese Beetles.

We all have our stories of The Dad... the crazy hats and the food... the jokes... Katherine was just talking about how she remembers him always trying to feed her meatballs and give her freeze pops when she would come over.

He annoys me at times, though...

He stresses the cream instead of the ice in ice cream - for some reason that rubs me the wrong way. Just like how he calls his cell phone a radio. That gets to me too.

I can't stand when he blows on his soup and he blows on me at the dinner table. Pisses me off.

He repeats things over and over... just random stuff: will do - will do - will do... will smith - will smith - will smith... will i am - will I am - will I am. And that damn Comcast commercial! "It's fun for you... it's fun for me... everyone do Xfinity..." or something like that. I must hear that 10 times a day.

He makes up crazy names for the dog - like BUDrow Wilson. OK - some of them are kind of funny!

I'll stop now.

I spent most of the morning at a doctors appointment with him today. I don't usually go to appointments with him but his regular doctor called last week and said,"Jeannine, your dad is in serious trouble." I thought she was kidding but it turns out it's true. I never thought I would be dealing with him, now, in kidney failure. We were at the specialist this morning. It's not awful but it's not good. Stage 3. Has to see a diabetic opthamologist next week and a ton of other tests and bloodwork so it's going to be a fun filled next few weeks. I knew something was up with the size of his legs - but he just kept shaking his head with that bull dog face and told me I was crazy. The doctor said he probably has over 10 lbs of fluid because the kidneys aren't working enough to get rid of it.

I felt bed because you could tell he was nervous (his outrageous blood pressure proved that) and I know he thought he was taking me away from what I needed to do with yet another thing added to my long list of things to get done. He actually thanked me for going with him which surprised me in a way - not that I wouldn't have known it to be true - just that he said it. The doctor needs him to go to a nutritionist and we talked about Laura and he got real sad and said he didn't know if he could go because it was the last place he went to with Dave. He was throwing away clothes the other day too and I asked why he was getting rid of good shirts and he said because they were "his." The other day was the first time I heard him mention his name in a long time, actually - we made something for dinner and he said something like Dave would have really liked this. He was "his champion" and a "fucking genius" and definitely thought of him as a son. I think he feels abandoned too. Out one day talking about the future and a few days later - gone. I know this has been just has hard for him. They were, ummm, close. ;-)

It is so difficult being here for lots of reasons. I feel like he has become totally dependent. Today in the doctors office he wanted me to put his belt on him because he couldn't see the hole. I told him NO. That was kind of crazy. ;-) I feel like I have become totally trapped... and this talk about diabetic retinopathy and blindness and possible dialysis down the line didn't make me feel any better. I know a lot of this comes with being an only child but I'm feeling a little like that bendy guy being pulled in all different directions all at the same time.

I can not even keep my head up tonight - it hurts so bad - and along with that it's just full of things like jobs and houses and appointments and stuff. It's never ending and I am completely exhausted - I can't even keep my eyes open. I have a trillion things to get to that should have been done way before now. I know - suck it up and deal with it... I'm plugging away trying to weed though as much as I can and it just keeps getting deeper and deeper. If you are in quicksand and have an avalanche come down on top of you are you sure to drown? I may find out.

I need a dark room to sleep in for just a couple days.

And a massage.

And maybe a freeze pop. ;-)

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