Thursday, May 5, 2011


I'm not going to last much longer tonight... kind of feel really terrible... there are a thousand things running through my head and I'm having a hard time processing it all. I wish I could just go to sleep for the next 30 years but someone has to let the dog out! She decided to go on a poopie strike and won't go potty and she threw up her amoxicillin this morning. I don't know what I'm going to do with this poor little thing. ;-(

I was coming back from the airport today - I had to drop a friend off for a flight. The clouds were really pretty - almost cartoony.
On my way home, driving down that same road, I was transported to that day we came home from Florida last year. I knew we were going to be in for a white out when we got to the house - knowing the snow storm that came while we were away. I don't think we knew what we were in for as far as my mother-in-law and what was going to transpire those next few days... I've been thinking about that night - the circle of love - the last breath.

I wasn't there for my mother's final breath. Dave and I were here at this house with Gypsy. I remember my Dad calling and saying he thought it was happening and then calling shortly after and saying she was gone. We never made it in in time. Something makes me think she wanted it that way.

I told Dave the other day that I think my mother-in-law dying was worse for me than my own mother's death. We never got to grieve for her as we should have. It's been so long (almost 17 years) for my own mother. I can't remember that much anymore after all these years. Just moments - little flashes of things. I remember calling my friend from the hospital and saying that they gave my mother two weeks to live. I really don't remember how long it was after that. There were 2 or 3 days in the hospice, I think, but that's it. I do remember making chocolate chip cookies for her and bringing them to her in a tin... I remember trying to bring Gypsy in and she kept saying that she "wasn't ready" yet - until the last day when she told me she wanted to see her. She died that night. I still remember Uncle Jim standing in the kitchen telling me he lost his best friend. I think I know how he felt.

I feel bad thinking about people that die alone... that was my biggest fear when Daddy was in Norfolk... "I don't want him to die alone." I remember those words coming out of my mouth when they said we needed to get there as soon as we could and we had a three hour drive ahead of us. Honestly, I didn't think we would make it. I still think it's great that my MIL was born and died on the same day. I was honored to be there for her last breath. That night will both haunt me and make me smile... knowing that she was surrounded by everyone - all together. With her too, something makes me think she wanted it that way.

I just have to say out loud that I don't like what's going on... I love my husband and don't want a divorce. I know there's nothing I can do to change anything and bit by bit everything will come together... soon Dixon House will no longer be ours and I'll be an ex wife and the boxes of stuff filled with decades of memories will sit with no reason to open them...

I always liked being an only child and would never trade that for anything but I've been thinking that, when I wake up in 30 years, I'll more than likely end up like the people I feel so badly for. No siblings, no husband, no children... alone - with no one to be there for MY last breath.

No comments: