Tuesday, September 25, 2012


I thought about Dumbo and this today... every day at my appointment when I go in to get changed I throw my bag down and put my velcro shirt on.  I got yelled at today for using my arm too much (I've been having a hard time raising it the past week or so) we were laughing and saying my purse is about 15 lbs. and that's half the problem. It's a Vera tote - the old pink elephants pattern... I have all the big totes and travel bags in it - which just so happens to be one of the breast cancer patterns. I didn't start buying every piece of it (years ago) because of that - my mother loved and collected elephants and I liked that it was black and pink.  It was as simple as that.

I know this whole baby thing has been heavy on my mind and heart but it seems like everything is a constant reminder...

Like this.

Am I the only one that thought of a mama and baby when I saw that?

I bet I am.

Yeah.  I know that's weird. ;-)

Anyway, after my treatment today I grabbed my bag and went in to meet with the doctor as I do every Tuesday. He told me to make the "chemo appointment" to start my drugs... now I have one month to make a decision on what I need to do fertility wise.

Already?  I was like can't I just have a minute to catch my breath?!?

A part of me feels a little cheated and feels like I haven't been entirely present in this whole treatment process. I wish I could have just had cancer and not had all these other things waiting in the wings. Maybe one day I'll be thankful for being distracted through this whole thing. I doubt it, though.

I feel like there have been little signs here and there that have been popping up - I'm hoping they will guide me in the right direction.  I've been writing them all down - trying to make sense of them. My Mother and Mum have been waking me up at night. Three times in the last couple weeks. I'm not sure what they are trying to say yet. I'm listening, though.

I guess I'll add another "favorite post" here... A MOM WANNABE

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