Friday, December 31, 2010


Or is it?

For the record, just as much as I was proud to be a DeLuca, I was proud to be a DiGioia and be "in" the family in some way or another for over 20 years. I am going to be honest here, though. I'm a little disappointed and insulted that few have bothered to ask me anything about all of this. Those that have - thank you.

Does it matter? Probably not. I do feel like I'm being made out to be something that I am not, though, at least in the eyes of some. That hurts.
This was my family too. Like I said before, I feel like I was just plucked right out of it. Father Sam said that one of the last things Mum told him was that she was "at peace" because "all the kids had someone" and that "made her happy..." I do feel like I let her down. At the conclusion of the circle of love, when the circle broke apart, we gave each other a hug. My father-in-law came to me, gave me a hug and said "we all just need to stick together." I found that weird even at that time. What did that mean? And why did he say it to me? I think that statement will haunt me forever. For 16 years I've looked for messages from my mother as she did before me and I don't think I ever really got one. I'll always think that that was Mum speaking through him because she knew I would be the only one that would or could listen at that moment. I know we all try to make sense of something in some way to make it easier for ourselves. We try to find a sign. We see what we want to see. We'll never know, though, if it's the right interpretation of the message.

As this last day of the old year ends and the first one of the new year is about to begin, I've been questioning what makes one marriage over another more worthy of trying to rescue? Why is it ok to try to work on some, even with infidelity or neglect or abuse or any other stressor, and not others? And what does forever really mean?

"...forever always seems to be around when it begins, but forever never seems to be around when it ends.." ~ Ben Harper

Happy New Year's Eve.

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