I want to thank Debbie for helping me yesterday... it was a (partly self -induced) hectic day but hopefully it turned out ok for everyone else - thanks to her. Even she said this wasn't me... no dishes... no post-its... no plan... I think I came to the conclusion that that should go down as my last Christmas. Hopefully in more ways than one.
I can't believe it's actually over. I don't know when I went to bed last night - I'm thinking a little after midnight. It was 11:30 when I got back from taking Glo home and I poured a cup of coffee (my favorite thing of late night Christmas) and got on the phone and forgot to drink it. In fact, it's still on the table right now.
I fell asleep last night on top of the bed and I woke up after 2 in the afternoon. Exhausted to say the least!
It has not been easy staying here and I should have known better than to think that things would just fall into place. My Dad has been on his own (so to speak) for a long time and doesn't like change... I have brought (the majority of) my 13 years of things into a lifetime of stuff and we are to capacity in all ways... it was bound to explode.
I just overheard him talking to a guy he works with about last night... bits and pieces... "we're doing it over here now..." " yeah, he was my champion..." My Dad lost a son in all of this too. It's like he just disappeared. I guess I should have known it would be hard on him but it would be nice if someone just acknowledged that I have a lot going on too. I am not my father's wife and, as we thought, that's what I have become here. I can't do it anymore. It's been a complete setback being here for me and has brought him down as well. You can tell he really doesn't want us here too. Plus everything with Glo this last week just made the whole pot boil over.
The Christmas presents were opened around 10:30 last night. Well, mine are still in an unopened pile on the floor. It was full of guilty appreciation...
and Glo was so out of it she kept putting unopened presents in her bag - saying she "forgot that's what we were doing."
If it wasn't for Lily I wouldn't have even bothered.
What would happen if I abandoned everyone now? If it wasn't for the puppy I would just go... life goes on. They'll be fine.