Wednesday, December 29, 2010


Or should I say White Christmas Trash
If it wasn't bad enough to have all those plastic play gyms next door and ghetto fabulous BBQ grill with lighter fluid sitting on top of it stacked by the garage... the neighbors put all their empty toy boxes and other garbage out Christmas morning (Saturday) and it's been blowing in the yard ever since. Pick up is Thursday just so you know. This morning I was picking up dirty diapers from the kids of these twenty year olds that live there. They were scattered around the front yard.

Let's just say... I'm a little agitated.

Yes, this whole baby/kid thing is a big part of it... I've been annoyed. I'll admit it. My chances are pretty much over... stress induced menopause, advanced maternal age, single parent adoption, no job, money or home...donors will be too expensive... IVF or insemination won't be an option without a husband... it's just really overwhelming. It's hard to just take it for what it is.

Maybe it's just the auld lang syne time of year but I've been thinking about a lot... You know I had the husband everyone wanted. The one that brought flowers home for no reason and did the laundry (better than most girls) and always kissed me goodnight... The one that always signed his emails with Love and didn't care if I cooked dinner because he would stop for it on the way home from work. I waited to go grocery shopping sometimes so we could go together because we went to eat first and (9 times out of 10) would skip the store because we were too full and tired from eating! ;-) We were just as content to stay home and watch tv because we wanted to lay around with the dog. Or at least that's what I thought. I feel bad if I wasn't appreciative enough or he didn't feel like I loved him. I did. I still do. It makes me mad seeing people fighting or talking bad about their husbands... I mean - be careful what you wish for... Not that I ever wished for this. It was just the opposite. I just wanted to be heard and I am feeling like it never really mattered what I thought. That makes me mad too... I mean things were not perfect at all... there was a lot that could and should have been changed. I thought we were different, though. I never hid anything from him and I don't think he did from me. At least for the majority of time... I was never the wife that had to "check up" on her husband because he always told me what he was doing. Somewhere along the way, though, he felt like he couldn't go get coffee when he wanted to... and, swear on my RoseBud, I don't know why.

Did I not appreciate him when I should have? Some times. Maybe. I thought I did. You know, Pat said that I didn't realize how much I was affected by all the losses... that I didn't have any more to give either and we never got to discuss that together... I wish we had. She talked about misperception and miscommunication and I think she was right but it just got worse because what communication we did have stopped too. You know we never grieved the loss of any of the babies or my mother-in-law or this marriage. It's hard to get over one "death" let alone multiple deaths in really just a few years... RoseBud - maybe. But I think we brushed the babies aside and just hoped for the best because it was easier that way... Me with the imaginary wishing star and him, the forever optimist. It just seems strange still. I think I've said this before - I was 23 when my mother died... I've been in this family, in one way or another, for the last 21 years. I knew my MIL almost as long as my own mother and it affected me just the same. I feel like I was plucked out of this family... She died, I was pregnant, I was on bedrest then not pregnant, there was a week in vegas and a week of not coming home and the weekend came and went and all was gone. That's pretty much it. Sort of.

It makes me mad that RoseBud never got to wear that big sister tank top and that my dad will never be a grandpa to a baby without paws and a tail. I feel cheated. I feel we were cheated because I know we would have been good parents. It makes me mad that we didn't have to juggle who was taking which kid to soccer or ballet. We didn't get to do the normal things and experience the normal life events 30-40 year olds do and we missed a lot. That can't be easy on anyone. It's not on me, at least. I was looking at some pictures and came across one from Disney with the two of us and the Deasy boys holding up their passports from Epcot and it could be the perfect facebook profile pic... the perfect family... when really EVERY SINGLE YEAR I walked through those gates and said NEXT YEAR we'll be pushing our own stroller. I will forever think of that. I should probably quit now. ;-( I don't know when to shut up, huh? I'm at Glo's and I can't sleep because I miss my puppy and I miss what could have been...

Did you know there was another version of this poem, the first that contains a form of the auld lang syne phrase? It's from poet Sir Robert Ayton (1570-1638)

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never thought upon,
The flames of love extinguished,
and freely past and gone?
Is thy kind heart now grown so cold
In that loving breast of thine,
That thous canst never once reflect
on old-long-syne...

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